FAMILY!

 

That Dr. Seuss is a smart one.

 

Seriously, though, this perfectly expresses something I've been feeling lately.  I ADORE my family.  There are times that we talk several times a week.  Other times it's just once a week.  But we keep in constant communication between emails, texts, calls, and Skype.  But even still it's not the same as being with them, being involved with the everyday of each other's lives, living life together.

 

But in His infinite wisdom and love, God gave me an amazing group of people who, in their own ways, fill that void of knowing and being known.  When I sit and think about it, I'm not completely sure what keeps us together.  Some are musical, others are better with tools, some are better with logistics, still another with encouragement.  We don't have the same dreams, goals, or plans.  Our pasts are varied and our insecurities are many.  We have different opinions on politics.

 

But I love them.  And they love me.

 

It's easy to throw around the word "love" without really understand it's meaning.  Especially among friends.  But I truly love these people with my whole heart.  I miss them when they aren't around.  I pray for them, for their days, their jobs, their appointments.  I know their likes and dislikes.  I know their hurts and fears.  But what speaks to my heart the most is knowing acceptance when I'm with them.

 

When my fear causes me to withdraw, I get a sweet message.  Not pressuring or yelling, but gently reminding me to trust them.  When I'm in a bad mood, I get called out, but then encouraged to find the root of my attitude.  I get sound advice.  I've had lots of groups of friends that I've cared for, but never really felt completely comfortable around.  A lot of that has had to do with my reticence to be open and vulnerable and was no fault of anyone else's other than my own.  But I feel like I've finally gotten to the place of being willing to share my burdens with others, to walk alongside them and help carry theirs, to be a part of something bigger, something more.

 

I've found those whose weirdness is compatible to mine.  And it's wonderful and scary and just about the best thing ever!

I don't know about this...

Dating.

Why?  Just why?

I want to get married and have kids. But I've decided I want to do it without having to date.

Don't get me wrong.  I like dates.  I enjoy the flirting that leads to the asking out, the looking for a new outfit or dressing up one I already have, the free coffee/meal/dessert or whatever it is that the date entails, the getting to know someone.

But more often than not, any date I go on isn't like that.  The initial flirting often breeds insecurity and confusion of "is he really flirting or is he just nice?" or I'll pull the awkward 13 year old thing of "he's really attractive so I'm going to sit here and not say a blasted thing" until hours later when all the flirty and chatty things THEN come to mind.  Or the stress of what to wear that causes a breakout which causes more stress which makes me drink Dr Pepper like it's my job...and perpetuates the breakout.  And the overwhelming stress of what to say and how to keep the conversation moving and interesting while trying to be attractive, open without being "that" girl who is too open while working to keep my weird habits under wraps that keeps me from fully enjoying the evening.

And this isn't insecurity or me being girl cray and letting my imagination run away with me.  It's literal real world experience because nothing in my life is normal.

There's the black guy who I honest to goodness thought was white guy...and actually made a comment about him having a "black" name...because I thought he was white.  I didn't find out until the next morning that he was born with no skin pigmentation so he looked white.  In my defense, it was quite dim in my apartment, but still.

Or the guy who I was emailing who in the middle of the email gave a shout out to his dead grandparents.  Um, what!?!  I respect the fact that you love and miss them, but please don't RIP Grandmom and Pops in the middle of an email to me. Too far.

There was the Christian guy who said although he believed in waiting until after marriage for sex, he wouldn't be upset if we "accidently" had sex.  Huh?  An accident is batheing with conditioner instead of body wash (don't judge, it happens).  I may not have had a lot of sex, but I'm pretty sure there's no accident to getting undressed and jumping in the sack with someone.

And there was the Italian guy who moved from NY, we met in college, and went out one night.  He said when his family moved out of NY his dad legally changed their last name.  An Italian from NY who legally got his last name changed?  Very sweet guy, but probably not a good idea to get mixed up in that.  Especially after he got the nickname Caddy and showed up the next semester driving a Cadillac.  Not normal for a college student.  Moving on...

And let us not forget the baseball catcher, who I should've stayed far away from because, let's be honest, baseball players are always trouble.  We'd flirted and hung out and just had fun...no worries though.  I'm not that kind of girl.  He asked me to go out with him one night after a game, but the next day was going to be a long one so I decided to stay in.  The next morning he wasn't at the game.  Why?  He'd gotten pulled over for a missing tail light and then TAKEN TO JAIL when the cop smelled weed.  I cannot nor do I even want to begin to imagine what that night could've looked like for me.

So, yeah.  It's pretty pathetic.  These weren't even relationships.  Heck, the were barely dates and still they were disasters.  Clearly dating isn't my thing.  So I've decided to go the way of Oona here and wait until someone can implant me with a timer.  Or my parents get fed up of my not adding to the grandchild posse and arrange a marriage.

Either one will work for me.

Too Fast!!!

I'm still not sure it happened.  Or when.  But from what I've been told, my little pal here started Kindergarten Monday.  And I might have been 1400 miles away from him.  And still cried.

I vividly remember when and where I was when my brother called to say my SIL was pregnant.  I remember the changed plans and unneeded trip to Fayetteville because we were sure this was the night (it wasn't!).

And I remember actually holding him for the first time.

I don't know about romantic love at first sight, but I do know about aunt/nephew love at first sight. I love both of my nieces and my nephew unconditionally and without question, but this boy and I will always have a special bond.  He is my first nephew.  From the moment we met there was mutual adoration.  He's the first person who has ever actually jumped and clapped from excitement when he sees me.

He has my heart.

And he's growing up.  And it's super scary.  I've heard having kids is like taking your heart out and having it walk around while giving others the ability to hurt it.  I'm not even his parent, but I can relate to that.  I worry about this kid.  I pray for this kid.  I adore this kid.  And I'm super proud of this kid.  I can't imagine my life without him in it.  I love him with a fierceness I didn't even know was possible.

And now that I miss him all over again, I'm gonna go Skype my favorite Kindergartener and find out how his week is going!

More Specks and Planks

I came back like I promised!

Through everything that happened with S, acknowledging and verbalizing what I was feeling, owning up to my faults, repenting and seeking forgiveness, etc. my personal life has also been changed and for the better. Through this wonderfully painful process Matthew 7:1-5 has been running through my head (hence the title of these blog posts).

"Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye." (emphasis mine)

I'm guilty of being that person who says something that I shouldn't, but follow it up with "so let's be praying for him/her" as if that absolves me of the sin of gossip. Or use my frustrations as a way to gossip and then ask for advice about how to deal with him/her and think that makes it permissible. It doesn't. It's nothing more than pettiness, slander, gossip, and insecurity on my part. And as Jesus has been calling me out and illuminating several things in my life, He also pointed to this.

Society says this addressing of more sin, laying myself bear before another is unfortunate or shows weakness, but I don't see it that way at all! I truly truly rejoice in this! I mean, let's be honest, I don't rejoice EVERY time Jesus points out sin, but this time it had such a wonderful resolution! And by uncovering the sin I'm growing closer to Him and more like Him and in this case closer to another.

Long story short, I sat down with AC, random initials that don't actually have anything to do with this person's name, and apologized for some serious ugliness in me that has been directed at them. Side note: My parents always taught us to be specific in our prayers and apologies. They believed just saying sorry doesn't address what you're apologizing for and can invalidate another's feelings if they feel you're just throwing around the words "I'm sorry". So as I sat there somewhat afraid this person would hate me for the extreme ugliness I've displayed, I laid out various attitudes and situations for which I was apologizing. I can tell you it wasn't fun. Seeing and acknowledging your sin is hard enough, especially in an age when everyone is striving to seem more professional, put together, rich, secure, etc than they really are, but laying it all out before another is just straight up excruciating.

But then they uttered the words that I didn't deserve..."I forgive you." I cannot even begin to describe the healing and lightness that flooded my heart at that moment. I know I tend to be dramatic, but even as I type I still feel that giddiness of sitting across from AC and hearing those words and seeing the truth in their eyes. I spent far too much time looking at what I felt was a speck in them to notice what really was a plank in me.

As with my work situation, this change in mine and AC's relationship will have effects in other relationships. We've discussed some areas in which we can grow together and challenge those around us. I'm very excited about the changes taking place in my life, AC's life, our relationship, and the relationships of our little familial unit. It would be so easy to stop here and be content with the positive changes I've made, but I want to keep going. I want Jesus to continue to show me areas that need to be changed, to dig out the ugliness, to be more like Him. It scares me more than a little, but I'm so excited to continue to grow in my relationship with the Lord!

Praise God, from Whom all blessings flow;

Praise Him, all creatures here below;

Praise Him above, ye heavenly host;

Praise Father, Son, and Holy Ghost.

Specks and Planks

It never ceases to amaze me how it feels like I just posted when in actuality it's been a month.  Time flies when you're having fun, right!?!  Eh, I'll go with it.

I've had lots of different things rolling around in my head of late.  It sometimes seems like nothing and everything in particular.  But this time it was and blog worthy.  Well, in my estimation anyway :)

I had a chat with a co-worker about a month ago.  I adore T!  Her attitude, her work ethic, how she treats others...you can just tell that she's a great person.  So I was excited to learn that she was a Christian as well because one thing I've always wanted was a work mentor, but so many people are all about the money or stepping on others to get what you want.  T isn't like that was I was super excited to FINALLY have someone I can talk to, vent to, model myself after.  Anyway, as much as I love love love my job, there was a period of it being ridiculously stressful.  S and I job share the admin position (I work mornings and she does afternoons) and then I do special projects and other stuff the rest of the day.  When I interviewed and was hired I knew this would be the way things are, but I needed a job so bad I didn't care if it was part time.  But then they needed me full time.  So for two months I covered it all myself and then suddenly I was having to share what I had been doing alone.  It was a very difficult transition for me.  Made even more so by another person trying to be all involved when they weren't at all.

Stressed didn't even begin to describe what I was feeling.  I felt that my job was in jeopardy.  I was working so hard to try to be the best and not get forgotten in the newness of S.  And I was competitive.  Like whoa.  I didn't want anyone to like her more than they liked me so I was finding all sorts of public things to do that would make people realize how vital and needed I was.  And S was doing the same.  It was bad.

But by the grace of God, T stepped in.  We sat down to talk about some work stuff one day and the conversation flowed to what she was noticing.  She saw how extra person was all up in our, mine and S's, business, she saw S and I both working hard to out do each other and the strain it was putting on me.  Side note: it sometimes takes me a while to process my thoughts and feelings.  I can recognize what I'm feeling, but I need time to dig through it all to figure out the root of it and how to deal with it.  That said, even though I was stressed out I was so busy trying to stay ahead that I wasn't taking the time to process what was driving those feelings.  T was able to express what she was seeing and what was concerning her and it perfectly described what I was feeling, but unable to verbalize.  Long story short, after talking with T, I was able to go to S, who is also a Christian, and apologize for my behavior.  She had been feeling much the same way that I had and we were able to find an amazing balance.  Since then S and I have experienced a level of honesty and vulnerability that I've shared in very few relationships.  It's been wonderful!  That's not to say we don't get on each other's nerves, but I literally thank God quite often for bringing T and S into my life.

It's late.  More tomorrow...

Love Covers All

This week has been rough.  Professionally and personally things have been cray and it's left me very hurt and angry.  Like I'm not sure who I can or should trust.  It's this same feeling that causes me to pull back from people because just as I think I can trust someone something happens that leaves me hurting, insecure, and confused.

But I also realize I'm capable of causing that same kind of hurt to others.

And just as I need and desire their forgiveness, I'm choosing to do the same.  It's quite unintuitive.  My feelings call out for revenge and recompense.  But I know that's not right by any stretch of the imagination.  So I'm choosing to walk in forgiveness and not let these feelings take over.  I'm choosing to acknowledge the hurt and pain so that I don't do the same to another.  I'm choosing to love because I can see their actions, though ugly, stem from hurt and insecurity.

Let the past sleep, but let it sleep on the bosom of Christ. Leave the Irreparable Past in His hands, and step out into the Irresistible Future with Him. -Oswald Chambers

Yesterday kicked off the official start of my 30 Before 30 list.  And I promptly did nothing from the list.  I mean, come on it was my birthday! :)

Without further ado here is my list.  I'm sure I'll probably adjust things as my goals change, time gets short, I become more realistic and can't get things done, but for the moment here she is!

1. Run a half marathon.  (Completed April 2012)

2. Be conversational in Spanish. (After growing up in TX and having taken tons of Spanish classes from 6th through college, I'm still not fluent.  That. Will. Change.)

3. Own a pair of bona fide natural pearls. (I love mine, but they're cultured not natural.)

4. Read the entire Bible.  (I've done this once in high school, but I admit it was a little suspect.  I think I skimmed more than I actually read and understood.  And I definitely don't remember enough to warrant claiming having done this.)

5. Host a legit movie marathon.  And convince my friends to make it a full fledged slumber party :)

6. Get certified to carry a concealed handgun.

7. Learn how to pick a lock and break into somewhere.  (It'll probably be a friend's house as I don't want to go to jail, but break in I will!)

8. Crash a stranger's wedding.  (I'm not sure where this idea came from, but I've already secured a partner in crime!)

9. Go to the airport and just fly somewhere.
10. Buy a really nice dress and got out for a ridiculously expensive dinner/evening out.

11. Visit an acupuncturist. (The thought of needles in my face scares me, as it should, but I'm still very intrigued!)

12. Pet a tiger.  (There's a wildcat sanctuary somewhat near me.  It's gonna happen!)

13. See a show on Broadway.

14. Make something with my sewing machine.

15. Send someone a note in the mail at least once a month. (I'm hoping to do this more than once a month, but let's be realistic here.)

16. Read at least 10 books from this list. (Yes, I realize it's Wikipedia, but all the lists I came across this one seemed the best.  Or at least better than some of the others.)

17. Find and wear a bikini next summer.

18. Take a train ride somewhere.

19. Have the ability to go out to dinner with friends and pay for everyone's meal.

20. Make souffle.  (I had the most ah-mazing Tupelo Honey Souffle at the Gaylord Hotel in Orlando back in February.  And I'm going to TRY and recreate that decadent amazingness.)

21. Plant, grow, and keep a pot of hydrangeas alive. (I really should give up on trying to grow things, but one more try!)

22. Try a class that isn't typically "me."

23. Do at least one selfless, and if possible anonymous, thing a month.(Again, the goal is more than once a month, but I'm going to start small and work my way up!)

24. Meet and get a picture with someone famous.

25. Hike the Appalachian Trail. (Definitely not the entire thing, but enough to say I actually spent __ days hiking.)

26. Be proficient at playing at least one of these-golf, chess, tennis, poker, checkers...

27. Run a second half marathon and get my time under 2:30.

28. Journal every day about something I'm thankful for/blessed by/encouraged, etc.

29. Memorize a Scripture verse a week. (I may have to go old school and put the verse to music.  Apparently all the verses I learned were set to song and I usually have to sing to remember the entire verse.)

30. I'm keeping this one open for good measure...

Amendment to the NC State Constitution

I'm of the opinion that you just don't talk politics, money, or religion with people.  In my experience it never ends well.  Okay, maybe I don't actually write off entire institutions because of a few bad conversations, but I'm very particular who, when, and where I discuss these topics.  That said, I won't be discussing them here either.  There are far too many people who are paid much more than I who do it so much better.

But I will encourage you,, if you're a registered voter in NC (which everyone should be!), to read both sides of the argument of "Amendment One" or "The Marriage Amendment" as it's been called both.  Voters will see the following on the ballot come May 8th:

"Marriage between one man and one woman is the only domestic legal union that shall be valid or recognized in this State. This section does not prohibit a private party from entering into contracts with another private party; nor does this section prohibit courts from adjudicating the rights of private parties pursuant to such contracts."

Voters will then get to choose whether they are "for" or "against" said change.

Again, I will not suggest what side you should vote for.  I could, but I personally don't like hearing/seeing my friends preferences online when I can't ask them questions so I won't be following that trend.  I've even tried to flesh this out here and my opinion is quite obvious so I deleted it.  I'll willingly, in a non-confrontational manner, discuss this and why I plan to vote the way I will, but I prefer to do this in person versus online.  But most importantly I want everyone, especially my Christian friends, to pray and vote based on what God is speaking to your heart not based on what you feel the church expects, what your pastoral staff says, what your political party wants, what your friends are doing, etc.

Here are several resources, for and against, this change.  Please educate yourself and vote.

These are links in support of the change: Vote For Marriage and NC Values Coalition


These are links in opposition the change: Vote Against and Protect All NC Families

And please don't read anything into the order that I put the for or against links.  Something had to come first and something had to come second!

Additionally, here's the link to the NC Board of Elections page that will give you all the info you need on voting locations, hours, and dates for early voting.

So, please, get out there and vote!

Well, it's official...I am a half marathon runner!  I willingly admit to thinking, especially around miles 9, 10, and 11, that the race wouldn't end.  But I did it!  I was sad to realize, as I stood at the starting line, that they were giving out 13.1 stickers at registration (I previously mentioned this played a large part in my wanting to run).  When I registered I didn't get one and as you can imagine doing any additional walking after the race, for anything, was absolutely out of the question.  So I'll just have to go buy my own one of these days.

First things first.  My time.  I set a goal of running this beast in 2 hours and 30 minutes.  There's no real reason for this being my goal time other than a friend ran a half a couple of weeks ago and he did it in 2:25.  I figured if he could I could probably get a somewhat comparable time so that was my goal.  I didn't make it though.  I actually ran it in 2:50, so just 20 minutes off, but I'm not at all sad or disappointed.  This was my first half and before this my longest run had been 6 miles so I'm more than happy with my results.  It averages out at about 13:30 minutes per mile, but that's the average.  I know my first 7 miles were quicker, but things drastically slowed down.  But again, not at all ashamed.

Here are a couple of pictures from race day.

The Half Marathoners!

This is what the bib looked like. (Photo borrowed from Lacey)

 

I'm not sure who took this as I was clearly running.

The medal all the runners received.  Quite possibly my most prized possession!

I bought myself the coveted 13.1 magnet.  YEEEESSSS!!!!

The awesome sign Kelly made for me.  Best. Fan. Ever. :)

At you can imagine, I didn't have a camera while I ran so I didn't get any pictures of our fans, but I did get a picture of the sign Kelly made for me!  As this moment I can't imagine choosing to run another race, but I have a feeling it will be like when I got my tattoo...immediately after I was okay with just the one, but after a while the itch to get another keeps rearing it's head.  We shall see though!  For right now I'm swearing off running for at least a week!

This is life. Or something like it. I think.

Life is hard.  And as a Christian it often doesn't make much sense.

And I'm learning to be okay with that.  I'm a "free spirit" if you will when it comes to the stuff that doesn't matter very much (where to eat, jumping off waterfalls or jump off anything for that matter, breaking rules), but when it's important I'm very much a play by the rules, cross all my t's and dot all my i's kinda girl.  So walking by faith doesn't come very easily for me.  I need to know what is expected of me and how I'm expected to get it done.  Otherwise I stress to the point of grinding my teeth at night and biting my fingernails so short I bleed.  Seriously.  And I'm guessing that not what Jesus intended when He called us to walk by faith.

These feelings often leave me feeling isolated.  In my head I know I can't be the only person with these questions, but because everyone, myself included, does such  a great job of keeping their insecurities and failures a secret, people are often left feeling all alone.  Steven Furtick, speaking about insecurity, said it best when he said, "one reason we struggle with insecurity: we're comparing our behind the scenes to everyone else's highlight reel."

And it's so true!  Sure, this place in life, which I'll blog about tomorrow-ish, is uncomfortable and completely unexpected, but would I be as upset about it if I weren't comparing myself to those who own their homes, have jobs that don't involve wiping butt, drive vehicles that are more stylish, or have skinnier bodies?  I would warrant to guess probably not.

What would life look like if we/I embraced the struggles and decided to not only not run from them, but share them with others?  To embrace and work through the pain rather than dull it with electronics, food, friends, busyness?  If instead of getting down on myself I held tighter to God's promises instead of my short sighted delusions of what is?

In no uncertain terms, God said, "My thoughts are completely different from yours, And my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine." (Isaiah 55:8 NLT)  So while I'm imagining an upward moving career, 401(K), and benefits, what if He's imagining someone who can live anywhere and on very little because He has plans of my starting a business or running a non-profit or going back to school?  How I would hate to settle for a "good job" when He wanted to give me my heart's deepest desires!

Abba, may I never again question Your plan.  Forgive me for doubting; forgive my wavering and sinful heart.  Just as You were there when Peter's faithlessness caused him to sink in the water, I know You are here with me in the midst of this scary situation.  This day, I once again choose to take up my cross and follow You irregardless of the costs to my life, my belongings, my reputation.  I want You more than I want this world and anything in it. Just as the father of the tormented boy cried out, I cry out, "I do believe, but help me not to doubt!"  May you use this sinful vessel as a tool to reflect your glory and grace.  I bow before You and ask that you continue to mold me and make me into your vessel.  In Jesus' Name.  Amen.

Does anyone else ever wonder if God knows what's going on?  If He really has a plan ahead of time?

I don't mean to sound blasphemous or heretical.  Don't get me wrong, I fully believe God knew/knows every day of my life long before I was a thought in anyone's head.  But sometimes I look at my life and I feel like it's a cosmic joke.  Did He forget about me?  Is all this really what He had/has planned for me?  It just doesn't make any sense sometimes.  Literally, God asked me to follow Him in some decisions so with some sadness, but willingness I did.  And now that I have and have even been looking at ways to further embrace this new life, He says. "Okay, back as you were."

Don't hear ungratefulness because when I get over the shock this will be a much appreciated new path.  But why?  What did these changes accomplish?  Couldn't they have been accomplished without all the pomp and circumstance?  I guess the bottom line is that I don't feel like I see all that was accomplished.  Or maybe I do and I'm underestimating His desire to help me.

Being a new, bolder me sounds great in theory.  In actuality it's scary as hell.

I'm not gonna go into it right now.  If you're one of the 3 people reading this (counting myself) you know somewhat of what's been going on in my life.  And it has actually has gotten more dramatic this week.  I wish I could not be the hot mess that I am and just live life with no drama.

But unfortunately that is not the case.

And I'll be very open and allow you to see how much of a hot mess I am.

My roommate Katie has gotten free ProActiv for the last 4 years.  It's like they stalk her.  Seriously.  When she's moved apartments it still shows up.  And not with the yellow post office tags saying they got the notice saying she moved.  It just comes straight to our house.  I seriously think they post people in the bushes because there is no simply no other way for them to know where she lives 4 years after cancelling her ProActiv subscription.    Oh, did I not mention that  part!?!  Her mom ordered it for her and then cancelled it at Katie's request because it was coming too fast for her to use it up.  So her mom cancelled the membership yet Katie gets a new box every 3 months.  Without paying for them.  It's usually pretty funny because depending on where I am when they come, and I often set them in strategic places because it makes her so angry, I can hear the cussing.  Quite funny!  For me anyway. :)

But it got a whole lot less funny when I used a box I found in our house.  Yes, I found it.  They usually get shoved in random places.  Anyway, this particular Tuesday night I used the ProActiv to wash my face around 11pm and then went to bed.  When I woke up my eyes were swollen.  Not horribly bad, but enough that I didn't want to leave the house.  My dad said it looked like I had bad botox. :/  So I stayed home all day.  Around 2pm, I got out of the shower and realized my eyes were getting worse so I took a Benadryl, know I normally have to take Walmart brand allergy pills because one Benadryl will knock me out all day.  As I was walking back to blow dry my hair my mom walked in and was shocked by "how bad your face looks!"  She asked if I needed to go to urgent care.  I brushed it off and said I'd taken a Benadryl and should be fine.  She made me take another one and I went to blow dry my hair.

As I was blow drying, I realized I was seeing less and less.  And from what little I could see, I saw my neck was also starting to swell and turn red.  So I went back into the kitchen to tell my mom as soon as I finished drying my hair, vain I know, but you don't know how big my hair gets when it air dries, I needed her to take me to urgent care.  She turned around because I started talking as soon as I got around the corner and physically jumped.  My face had swollen ridiculous amounts in the 20 minutes since taking the Benadryl.  It was very unpleasant to say the least.

So she took me to urgent care.  That fun little trip involved the doctor telling me I looked Chinese because of my little eyes.  Please don't make jokes when my face looks like this!  I ended up having taken 2 Benadryl at home, a Benadryl shot "on steroids", and an actual steroid.  And then a prescription for an anti-histamine and a z pak of steroids.  After all those meds my body finally started reacting to them and my dad practically carried me in the house.  They, my parents, said I just kept saying my arms and legs were too heavy to move.  I ended up looking like Sloth from "The Goonies" for about 2 days before my eyes and neck returned to normal size.

Lesson Learned: Don't use ProActiv and don't tease your roommate about all the free ProActiv she gets.  The payback is no bueno.  Just take a look.

This wasn't even the worse of it.  I could still somewhat see here.  It got worse and I looked more and more like Sloth or a sharpei puppy as the day went on.  Yikes.

Truf

Lacey's post inspired me so here goes.  Please don't judge my weirdness.

1. I like black coffee, beer, and I legitimately like and understand football.  I think this will one day make me a great catch for some guy.
2. I once punched out my brother's front tooth.  We were playing with boxing gloves in the store and I guess I was closer than I thought.  Oops.
3. I've gone to the dark side.  I wear leggings as pants.  But only with long shirts!  Don't judge.
4. I skinny dipped in my Christian college's pool.  Multiple times.
5. I willingly wore overalls in high school.  And thought I was cute.
6. I get the colors pink and yellow confused.  My friends knowingly try to confuse me for fun.
7. When I eat at Chick-fil-a, after I pull the wrapper off the bbq sauce I have to lick it and stick it to the bag.
8. I once beat up a girl. But I only hit her in the torso so no one would see bruises. Yikes :/
9. I love to study and learn about the human body.  But I HATE man thigh.  Blech.
10. My brother has given me two black eyes.  One time we were wrestling and the other when we were throwing a chain ( I know, why?) back and forth and I missed it.
11. I have a tattoo and I want another.  But I'm going to wait until after (if?) I get married so I don't have to try and cover it up for the wedding.  I'm kinda vain like that.
12. I snuggle with a stuffed animal when I sleep.  It's a duck and his name is Quack.
13. I decorate the house when I get stressed.
14. I secretly want to be a craft genius who makes it big one day.
15. I also secretly want to be an amazing photographer.
16. I grind my teeth when I sleep.  From what I'm told it's unpleasant to hear.
17. I didn't start having acne until I got into my 20s.  It sucks.
18. If given the opportunity, I think I would eat everything with chopsticks.
19. Without fail I always register for Publisher's Clearing House.  You never when it's your year!
20. When I was little, I always wanted braces.  Blast you straight teeth!!!
21. I find men who drive trucks extremely hot.  I'm a Texas girl through and through.
22. My brother and I had pet chickens when we were little.  In an apartment.  In Dallas.
23. I've never dated a black guy.  Weird, right!?!

Twenty three oddities for your reading pleasure on the twenty third!  Remember, you aren't judging me!

I'm an awkward kid.  I know that.  I've even learned to embrace it.  But I normally try to at least keep it a secret from strangers.  I failed at it this week.  And not just any kind of fail, but an epic, awkward, totes inapprops failure.  Here's how it went:

I had just bought some food in the hospital cafeteria and how gone to the 6th floor to buy a Mtn. Dew...they're cheaper to get from the machines than the cafeteria.  There was a housekeeping guy nearby who I smiled at, but didn't really pay much attention to beyond that.  You also should know that I have a bad habit of putting things...cell phone, keys, pens...in my mouth as if it's an extra pocket or something.  Also, I tend to say things that make sense in my head, but come out sounding like sexual innuendos.  This particular evening I was holding a dollar bill in my mouth, gross I know, while I fished the quarter out of my pocket.

Man: "You shouldn't put that dollar in your mouth.  Don't you know how dirty those things are!?!"

Me: "Yeah, I know.  But it's not the worse thing I've put in my mouth."

**Awkward silence as he tries to decide if I'm coming on to him, that much of a whore, or stupid.**

Me: "Um, I mean, I have a bad habit of putting my keys in my mouth so...yeah."

Man just stared at me.  He picked up on my awkwardness, gave me a confident "I'm the king of the world" look, and sauntered away.  Where was the giant hole to swallow me up when I needed it!?!

And this is why I don't usually talk to strangers.

Okay, so I know the picture is old.  But it goes with my theme so bear with me.

I don't like resolutions.  I don't like the temporal and expected feeling of inevitable failure.  But I do like taking time to reflect on my past and my future.  I want to look back and see my missteps and my successes and learn from them.  I want to grow spiritually, relationally, professionally; and a good way of doing that is seeing where I didn't, where I could have and learning from that and making sure my future doesn't include those same mistakes.  I also look to see where I did well and how I can build on those successes.

Now, don't get me wrong, in no way do I believe in allowing your past to dictate your future.  There are too many stories of people overcoming their mistakes and then going on to be hugely successful to believe that.  But a big part of their eventual success was knowing what didn't work and moving on from there...and you only know that by taking the time to examine those errors.

That said, instead of resolutions, I've decided to give this year action words of what I hope and desire 2012 will look like.

Involved: When I get overwhelmed, I tend to fall into an apathetic attitude about what I'm struggling with.  I'm determined to remain involved in all areas of life...spiritually, financially, professionally, relationally.  I'm not running from conflict anymore.

Active: When I fall in the aforementioned apathy, I lose the desire to be active.  This year is the year of getting back to being outside, getting involved with sports again, and treating my body as I should.

Courageous: Because I'm so afraid of failing, I often don't take risks.  It's a sad way to live life trying to always remain safe.  I know God created me for a reason and that reason isn't to remain on the sidelines so this year I'm taking risks.  I mean, my favorite scripture verse is Joshua 1:9, which says, "Have I not commanded you?  Be strong and courageous.  Do not be afraid, do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go."

And so I'm choosing to go be involved, active, and courageous this year.  I'm going to be the new, bolder me in 2012!

It's a new year.  Wow.  I can't believe 2012 is already here.

As I get closer to my 30th birthday, it's next year, I've decided I want to make a Bucket List that will be titled  "30 Before 30".  I've not gotten very far.  I mean this idea hasn't moved beyond wanting to do it...I've still yet to sit down and actually think about it and write it out.  But I do know one thing that will be on the list.

I want to complete a race.  A half marathon to be exact.  Which is convenient because as of Thursday, December 29, I took the plunge. And by "took the plunge" I mean I was shoved in, but it's official either way.

I'm registered for a half marathon in April.  And yes, when I say a half marathon I mean running for 13.1 miles...consecutively. WHAT!?!

Anyone who knows me knows I don't run much past 3 miles.  Sure, I've often thought about how awesome it would be to push myself mentally and physically to complete an actual race...and how awesome I'd feel being apart of the cool club with a 13.1 magnet on the back of my Jeep (true story).  But I've never actually even looked into it much less really considered signing up.

That time of dreaming of the magnet has ended.  I will, in 13 short weeks, complete a half marathon...amd buy myself the magnet.  I'm hoping somewhere along the way become an avid runner who just hasn't reached her full potential until now.  I'm not holding my breath though.  At best I'm hoping to lose a couple of pounds and inches, get more muscle definition, prove to myself that I can push through anything with hard work, sacrifice, and dedication, and transform myself from this

to this

Here's to determination, strength, facing fears, and a sense of accomplishment in 2012!