The death of my patient felt me with these same feelings that I couldn't understand or fully express. I don't know exactly why as I had nothing to do with her surgery or even any serious amounts of care. Yet, I was left feeling like there was more I could've done to make her stay more enjoyable or gotten to know her family better or done more for her kids. I was haunted by these thoughts for days and days. I could barely function without crying from the intense grief I felt over the lost of this wonderful life.
I thought going to the funeral service would help bring closure, but it just served to show how much more wonderful she was than what I already knew. Her family and friends thanked us for the care we gave her. If they only knew how deeply she touched our lives, my life. I can't even begin to understand why God chose to allow their lives to take this path. If I had my way, she'd be home celebrating a successful surgery and renewed life with her family. But His ways aren't my ways. And I rest in the knowledge that she knew that as well.
The following is from a book of prayers we, the staff, were given by the hospitals grief counselors. It embodies lifestyle this wonderful woman exhibited to us each and every day. I will never forget the impact you made on my life. I will remember to always just breathe...
Wondrous Lord,
You are all I want,
all I have,
all I seek.
I give myself
into Your hands,
trusting that
You know what is best
for me
and will bring me to that place
where You are all in all. Amen.
Meister Eckhart
