This is life. Or something like it. I think.

Life is hard.  And as a Christian it often doesn't make much sense.

And I'm learning to be okay with that.  I'm a "free spirit" if you will when it comes to the stuff that doesn't matter very much (where to eat, jumping off waterfalls or jump off anything for that matter, breaking rules), but when it's important I'm very much a play by the rules, cross all my t's and dot all my i's kinda girl.  So walking by faith doesn't come very easily for me.  I need to know what is expected of me and how I'm expected to get it done.  Otherwise I stress to the point of grinding my teeth at night and biting my fingernails so short I bleed.  Seriously.  And I'm guessing that not what Jesus intended when He called us to walk by faith.

These feelings often leave me feeling isolated.  In my head I know I can't be the only person with these questions, but because everyone, myself included, does such  a great job of keeping their insecurities and failures a secret, people are often left feeling all alone.  Steven Furtick, speaking about insecurity, said it best when he said, "one reason we struggle with insecurity: we're comparing our behind the scenes to everyone else's highlight reel."

And it's so true!  Sure, this place in life, which I'll blog about tomorrow-ish, is uncomfortable and completely unexpected, but would I be as upset about it if I weren't comparing myself to those who own their homes, have jobs that don't involve wiping butt, drive vehicles that are more stylish, or have skinnier bodies?  I would warrant to guess probably not.

What would life look like if we/I embraced the struggles and decided to not only not run from them, but share them with others?  To embrace and work through the pain rather than dull it with electronics, food, friends, busyness?  If instead of getting down on myself I held tighter to God's promises instead of my short sighted delusions of what is?

In no uncertain terms, God said, "My thoughts are completely different from yours, And my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine." (Isaiah 55:8 NLT)  So while I'm imagining an upward moving career, 401(K), and benefits, what if He's imagining someone who can live anywhere and on very little because He has plans of my starting a business or running a non-profit or going back to school?  How I would hate to settle for a "good job" when He wanted to give me my heart's deepest desires!

Abba, may I never again question Your plan.  Forgive me for doubting; forgive my wavering and sinful heart.  Just as You were there when Peter's faithlessness caused him to sink in the water, I know You are here with me in the midst of this scary situation.  This day, I once again choose to take up my cross and follow You irregardless of the costs to my life, my belongings, my reputation.  I want You more than I want this world and anything in it. Just as the father of the tormented boy cried out, I cry out, "I do believe, but help me not to doubt!"  May you use this sinful vessel as a tool to reflect your glory and grace.  I bow before You and ask that you continue to mold me and make me into your vessel.  In Jesus' Name.  Amen.

Jesus is teaching me about grace.  It's blowing the perceptions I've held right out of the water.  I'm realizing that I don't understand it at all, I still haven't fully accepted it, and I've not extended much of it to others.  Theologically speaking, I would consider it a basic tenet of Christianity; yet 22 years into this journey of mine and I've still not even begun to know what it looks like.  Much less embrace it and live it out.

But I woke up today with a better understanding of it than I ever have.  And it literally made me smile even before I opened my eyes.

And it's through the lense of this newfound nugget of understanding that I want to read and listen to every sermon, verse, and hymn that mentions grace.  I have literally become enraptured with this trait, this gift, this facet of God.  So much so, that I went to the library and checked out Philip Yancey's book "What's So Amazing About Grace?" in an effort to better understand.  I want, no, I need someone to flesh out all that's running through my head, to help me think it straight.  I can't wait to dive in!