More Specks and Planks

I came back like I promised!

Through everything that happened with S, acknowledging and verbalizing what I was feeling, owning up to my faults, repenting and seeking forgiveness, etc. my personal life has also been changed and for the better. Through this wonderfully painful process Matthew 7:1-5 has been running through my head (hence the title of these blog posts).

"Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye." (emphasis mine)

I'm guilty of being that person who says something that I shouldn't, but follow it up with "so let's be praying for him/her" as if that absolves me of the sin of gossip. Or use my frustrations as a way to gossip and then ask for advice about how to deal with him/her and think that makes it permissible. It doesn't. It's nothing more than pettiness, slander, gossip, and insecurity on my part. And as Jesus has been calling me out and illuminating several things in my life, He also pointed to this.

Society says this addressing of more sin, laying myself bear before another is unfortunate or shows weakness, but I don't see it that way at all! I truly truly rejoice in this! I mean, let's be honest, I don't rejoice EVERY time Jesus points out sin, but this time it had such a wonderful resolution! And by uncovering the sin I'm growing closer to Him and more like Him and in this case closer to another.

Long story short, I sat down with AC, random initials that don't actually have anything to do with this person's name, and apologized for some serious ugliness in me that has been directed at them. Side note: My parents always taught us to be specific in our prayers and apologies. They believed just saying sorry doesn't address what you're apologizing for and can invalidate another's feelings if they feel you're just throwing around the words "I'm sorry". So as I sat there somewhat afraid this person would hate me for the extreme ugliness I've displayed, I laid out various attitudes and situations for which I was apologizing. I can tell you it wasn't fun. Seeing and acknowledging your sin is hard enough, especially in an age when everyone is striving to seem more professional, put together, rich, secure, etc than they really are, but laying it all out before another is just straight up excruciating.

But then they uttered the words that I didn't deserve..."I forgive you." I cannot even begin to describe the healing and lightness that flooded my heart at that moment. I know I tend to be dramatic, but even as I type I still feel that giddiness of sitting across from AC and hearing those words and seeing the truth in their eyes. I spent far too much time looking at what I felt was a speck in them to notice what really was a plank in me.

As with my work situation, this change in mine and AC's relationship will have effects in other relationships. We've discussed some areas in which we can grow together and challenge those around us. I'm very excited about the changes taking place in my life, AC's life, our relationship, and the relationships of our little familial unit. It would be so easy to stop here and be content with the positive changes I've made, but I want to keep going. I want Jesus to continue to show me areas that need to be changed, to dig out the ugliness, to be more like Him. It scares me more than a little, but I'm so excited to continue to grow in my relationship with the Lord!

Praise God, from Whom all blessings flow;

Praise Him, all creatures here below;

Praise Him above, ye heavenly host;

Praise Father, Son, and Holy Ghost.



I heart these women!!!



Maggie Valley with the girls!

 I had the pleasure to travel to FL for the wedding of my dear friend, Molly.  She met her husband overseas while they were both serving in a Middle Eastern country.  It was such a wonderful time to see the two of them together, catch up with the friends who are more like sisters (hint: most of them are in the pictures), and spend some time reliving college.

Of everything, though, the most wonderful part of the weekend was sharing and hearing the struggles of the women I love so much.  These are women I met in college when we were nothing more than girls pretending and trying to be women.  We've kept in touch through a FB group as well as the traditional phone calls, email, cards, etc.  My heart is at rest when I'm with them.  It wasn't always so as I often felt unworthy around them...not pretty enough, rich enough, skinny enough.  Thankfully, God dispelled those lies before these relationships were lost and I cherish each and every time I get to spend time with them.

This weekend was no different.  It did much to soothe and comfort my heart.  In the last 5 years, we've had 11 marriages, 2 serve as missionaries, 3 miscarriages, 5 kids, 2 currently pregnant members, infertility problems, and hard core serious marital problems.  And it was the sharing of those marital problems that struck me the most.  I want to get married, but I'm so afraid I'll choose the wrong guy or that 10 years down the road he doesn't want to be married to me anymore or I/we will have too many issues and he won't want to stay and work through them with me.  It scares me to no end.  It doesn't help that I feel like marriage is most often portrayed as the cure all for life's problems or it's touted as an institution that is horribly bad and needs to be avoided at all costs.  I don't agree with either of those views and although I've seen many good examples of marriage, it still scares the crap out of me.

So as I sat and cried with these sisters of my heart, I was struck by their strength, tenacity, and faith in Christ.  Even as one shared that her husband confessed to lying for 3 1/2 out of the 4 years of their marriage, she never sought a way out of the marriage.  As another said her husband continually falls into the sin of a particular temptation, she doesn't degrade or belittle him, she prays for him.  Another, knowing the grip a certain sin and the ensuing struggle it causes in the life of her fiance, happily plans their uncoming wedding.  Still another shares the anger, hurt, and frustration of infertility yet she'd have it no other way than with the man who hurts and comforts her better than any other person alive.

In these women I see what marriage really looks like.  It's not all butterflies and picnics, but it's beautiful all the same.  I hate that they are going through these struggles, but I feel so honored that they are allowing me to walk this journey with them.  Of all the weddings I've been invited to, apart of, or just sent gifts, none have allowed me to glimpse what real marriage looks like.  It's as scary as I thought it would be, but these women just did more to convince me it's worth the scariness than anyone else has ever done.  I hope if I'm ever married I can be an encouragement and share life with someone just as they have with me.

I feel like such a bad blogger because it's usually so long between posts.  In actuality, I have several different drafts saved, but if I don't feel inspired with my writing they just stay saved and never published.  Maybe one of these days I'll get around to finishing some of them :P

I was reading this blog today by my friend Lori.  (Sweet girl who pretty much keeps me laughing whenever I'm around her with her randomness.)  Anyway, I was challenged by her honesty and transparency in her post about how we're all like leftovers...yes, as in food.  I thought it was a brilliant analogy, but that might be due to my erratic thought process that swings from food to relationships to theology and back to food in a matter of minutes.  But like I said, I liked her openness.

I tend to be a people pleaser.  I don't like to know peoople are upset with me.  In my head I know I can't please everyone, but it's hard for my heart to accept that.  Most often, I wrap myself in an armor of bravado in hopes it comes across as actual courage when in actuality I'm racked with insecurity and fear.  I give the opinions of others far too much freedom in my life, my thoughts.  So much so, I'll sometimes do or not do something because of what someone has said.  It's sad really.  I know it, I just can't seem to break from it.  And I see it in lots of areas of my life...my clothes, my music, my hair, my decorating...it's all middle of the line and blah.  Trying to maintain what I think is status quo sucks.

And it's a stressful life.

Trying to not fail and please everyone wears you out.  One, because failure is apart of life.  We aren't born perfect nor do we ever attain perfection so at some point we will fail.  Trying to stave off the inevitable is just a lot of unnecessary work.  Two, it's often through failure and tough times we learn and grow the most.

I'm reminded of something I once heard about Robert Kiyosaki, author of Rich Dad, Poor Dad.  Kiyosaki has said if it wasn't for having declared bankruptcy TWICE he'd never have made it as far as he has.  Regardless of what anyone thinks about his books or philosophy, the man retired at 47 years old.  Um, winning.  It was his failures that taught him best how to run and not run a business.  Yet the thought of failing, especially publicly, shakes me to my core.  But on the other hand I really want the freedom to tell people to keep it to themselves.  Just because you think that's the best way to handle something doesn't give you the right to talk to me about it as if that's the only way to deal with a situation.

Is there a way to say that nicely?