FAMILY!

 

That Dr. Seuss is a smart one.

 

Seriously, though, this perfectly expresses something I've been feeling lately.  I ADORE my family.  There are times that we talk several times a week.  Other times it's just once a week.  But we keep in constant communication between emails, texts, calls, and Skype.  But even still it's not the same as being with them, being involved with the everyday of each other's lives, living life together.

 

But in His infinite wisdom and love, God gave me an amazing group of people who, in their own ways, fill that void of knowing and being known.  When I sit and think about it, I'm not completely sure what keeps us together.  Some are musical, others are better with tools, some are better with logistics, still another with encouragement.  We don't have the same dreams, goals, or plans.  Our pasts are varied and our insecurities are many.  We have different opinions on politics.

 

But I love them.  And they love me.

 

It's easy to throw around the word "love" without really understand it's meaning.  Especially among friends.  But I truly love these people with my whole heart.  I miss them when they aren't around.  I pray for them, for their days, their jobs, their appointments.  I know their likes and dislikes.  I know their hurts and fears.  But what speaks to my heart the most is knowing acceptance when I'm with them.

 

When my fear causes me to withdraw, I get a sweet message.  Not pressuring or yelling, but gently reminding me to trust them.  When I'm in a bad mood, I get called out, but then encouraged to find the root of my attitude.  I get sound advice.  I've had lots of groups of friends that I've cared for, but never really felt completely comfortable around.  A lot of that has had to do with my reticence to be open and vulnerable and was no fault of anyone else's other than my own.  But I feel like I've finally gotten to the place of being willing to share my burdens with others, to walk alongside them and help carry theirs, to be a part of something bigger, something more.

 

I've found those whose weirdness is compatible to mine.  And it's wonderful and scary and just about the best thing ever!

I don't know about this...

Dating.

Why?  Just why?

I want to get married and have kids. But I've decided I want to do it without having to date.

Don't get me wrong.  I like dates.  I enjoy the flirting that leads to the asking out, the looking for a new outfit or dressing up one I already have, the free coffee/meal/dessert or whatever it is that the date entails, the getting to know someone.

But more often than not, any date I go on isn't like that.  The initial flirting often breeds insecurity and confusion of "is he really flirting or is he just nice?" or I'll pull the awkward 13 year old thing of "he's really attractive so I'm going to sit here and not say a blasted thing" until hours later when all the flirty and chatty things THEN come to mind.  Or the stress of what to wear that causes a breakout which causes more stress which makes me drink Dr Pepper like it's my job...and perpetuates the breakout.  And the overwhelming stress of what to say and how to keep the conversation moving and interesting while trying to be attractive, open without being "that" girl who is too open while working to keep my weird habits under wraps that keeps me from fully enjoying the evening.

And this isn't insecurity or me being girl cray and letting my imagination run away with me.  It's literal real world experience because nothing in my life is normal.

There's the black guy who I honest to goodness thought was white guy...and actually made a comment about him having a "black" name...because I thought he was white.  I didn't find out until the next morning that he was born with no skin pigmentation so he looked white.  In my defense, it was quite dim in my apartment, but still.

Or the guy who I was emailing who in the middle of the email gave a shout out to his dead grandparents.  Um, what!?!  I respect the fact that you love and miss them, but please don't RIP Grandmom and Pops in the middle of an email to me. Too far.

There was the Christian guy who said although he believed in waiting until after marriage for sex, he wouldn't be upset if we "accidently" had sex.  Huh?  An accident is batheing with conditioner instead of body wash (don't judge, it happens).  I may not have had a lot of sex, but I'm pretty sure there's no accident to getting undressed and jumping in the sack with someone.

And there was the Italian guy who moved from NY, we met in college, and went out one night.  He said when his family moved out of NY his dad legally changed their last name.  An Italian from NY who legally got his last name changed?  Very sweet guy, but probably not a good idea to get mixed up in that.  Especially after he got the nickname Caddy and showed up the next semester driving a Cadillac.  Not normal for a college student.  Moving on...

And let us not forget the baseball catcher, who I should've stayed far away from because, let's be honest, baseball players are always trouble.  We'd flirted and hung out and just had fun...no worries though.  I'm not that kind of girl.  He asked me to go out with him one night after a game, but the next day was going to be a long one so I decided to stay in.  The next morning he wasn't at the game.  Why?  He'd gotten pulled over for a missing tail light and then TAKEN TO JAIL when the cop smelled weed.  I cannot nor do I even want to begin to imagine what that night could've looked like for me.

So, yeah.  It's pretty pathetic.  These weren't even relationships.  Heck, the were barely dates and still they were disasters.  Clearly dating isn't my thing.  So I've decided to go the way of Oona here and wait until someone can implant me with a timer.  Or my parents get fed up of my not adding to the grandchild posse and arrange a marriage.

Either one will work for me.