I've been a Christian for more than 20 years now (side note: I'm noticing how often I'm legitimately saying something happened more than 20 years ago and it's kinda freakin' me out). That said, (how long I've been a Christian not how long I've been alive) you'd think I'd have better control of my fears and emotions. But alas, I'm most often a churning sea of insecurity and self doubt.
And nothing brings them out more than late nights laying in bed. Sometimes I fall asleep with seconds of hitting the pillow, but as I'm coming off working nights my sleep schedule gets messed up and I oversleep when I should be awake and I'm awake when I should be sleeping...like now. Hence the post.
Most often I fear I won't do anything with my life. I adore being Tia, aunt in Spanish, to my nephew and nieces and I think I'm pretty dang good at it, but that's not what I want the sum success of my life to be. Sure, I went to a really good school and got a great education (read expensive), but am I using that degree? Was it really worth it? Am I doing justice to the professors who poured into my life? To the legacy of what the college stood for? Did I set myself up for failure in wanting to go to grad school for a medical career? Is it time to hang it up and find something more in line with where I am now, not where I think I want to be? And where do I want to be?
These are the thoughts that plague my nights. These and the blasted kids upstairs who think running and jumping at 1233am is okay and the crackhead parents who let them.
What's worse, these aren't even my most horrible fears. The most repetitive fear I have is that God hasn't blessed this or that area of my life because of something I did or didn't do. I know, I know. A Christian for 20+ years and I think works have something to do with God's hand on my life? Shocking I know. But sometimes it's hard to get the heart to line up with and accept what the head knows, you know?
Truthfully, I don't think I have to earn God's favor or promises, but as several areas of life aren't anywhere near where I thought I'd be, I have to wonder what's the hold up? I don't think God's making me live this half fulfilled life until I figure out what He wants, but I would like to know why certain things haven't happened yet. Are their missed opportunities I did/didn't take advantage of and so I'm living out the consequences of those actions? Am I perpetually making the wrong choices? Am I completely missing Him so often and so much that this is where it's left me?
Friday, June 24, 2011
Sunday, June 12, 2011
Of late, I've been thinking on direction, ambition, purpose, fulfillment and other such weighty topics a lot. Not that I've come to any conclusions on ANYTHING, but I've been thinking.
And then I came across this verse this afternoon.
"For I have a great sense of obligation to people in our culture and to people in other cultures, to the educated and uneducated alike. So I am eager to come to you in Rome, too, to preach God's Good News." Romans 1:14-15
It challenged and saddened me. Unlike Paul, I don't have this passionate hunger for anything...not even Jesus. Without question I love the Lord and strive to honor Him with my life. But do I have a sense of obligation and am I eager to share Him with others? Am I eager to go to work? Is there an attitude of intentionality of making Him known and serving others when I get there? Not so much.
Again, no answers, but I'm wondering what needs to change and how to go about making said changes in order to get my heart and life to a place of eagerness...in life, in relationships, in sharing Him. I've lost my zeal. Like many others, I graduated college with big plans and decisive opinions. Thankfully, some of those ideas were politely squelched, others not so politely. But in being tempered and growing in experience and wisdom, it seems I've lost the fire.
But there is hope. If Paul can be imprisoned, beaten, starved, shipwrecked, bitten by a snake, and the many other calamities weren't recorded but I know he had to have endured and still have fight in him, I'm sure I can find it in myself.
So here's to mistakes, fears, and failures. May they always keep me close to His side and not deter me from living the life I was created to live. Amen and amen!
And then I came across this verse this afternoon.
"For I have a great sense of obligation to people in our culture and to people in other cultures, to the educated and uneducated alike. So I am eager to come to you in Rome, too, to preach God's Good News." Romans 1:14-15
It challenged and saddened me. Unlike Paul, I don't have this passionate hunger for anything...not even Jesus. Without question I love the Lord and strive to honor Him with my life. But do I have a sense of obligation and am I eager to share Him with others? Am I eager to go to work? Is there an attitude of intentionality of making Him known and serving others when I get there? Not so much.
Again, no answers, but I'm wondering what needs to change and how to go about making said changes in order to get my heart and life to a place of eagerness...in life, in relationships, in sharing Him. I've lost my zeal. Like many others, I graduated college with big plans and decisive opinions. Thankfully, some of those ideas were politely squelched, others not so politely. But in being tempered and growing in experience and wisdom, it seems I've lost the fire.
But there is hope. If Paul can be imprisoned, beaten, starved, shipwrecked, bitten by a snake, and the many other calamities weren't recorded but I know he had to have endured and still have fight in him, I'm sure I can find it in myself.
So here's to mistakes, fears, and failures. May they always keep me close to His side and not deter me from living the life I was created to live. Amen and amen!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)