More Specks and Planks

I came back like I promised!

Through everything that happened with S, acknowledging and verbalizing what I was feeling, owning up to my faults, repenting and seeking forgiveness, etc. my personal life has also been changed and for the better. Through this wonderfully painful process Matthew 7:1-5 has been running through my head (hence the title of these blog posts).

"Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye." (emphasis mine)

I'm guilty of being that person who says something that I shouldn't, but follow it up with "so let's be praying for him/her" as if that absolves me of the sin of gossip. Or use my frustrations as a way to gossip and then ask for advice about how to deal with him/her and think that makes it permissible. It doesn't. It's nothing more than pettiness, slander, gossip, and insecurity on my part. And as Jesus has been calling me out and illuminating several things in my life, He also pointed to this.

Society says this addressing of more sin, laying myself bear before another is unfortunate or shows weakness, but I don't see it that way at all! I truly truly rejoice in this! I mean, let's be honest, I don't rejoice EVERY time Jesus points out sin, but this time it had such a wonderful resolution! And by uncovering the sin I'm growing closer to Him and more like Him and in this case closer to another.

Long story short, I sat down with AC, random initials that don't actually have anything to do with this person's name, and apologized for some serious ugliness in me that has been directed at them. Side note: My parents always taught us to be specific in our prayers and apologies. They believed just saying sorry doesn't address what you're apologizing for and can invalidate another's feelings if they feel you're just throwing around the words "I'm sorry". So as I sat there somewhat afraid this person would hate me for the extreme ugliness I've displayed, I laid out various attitudes and situations for which I was apologizing. I can tell you it wasn't fun. Seeing and acknowledging your sin is hard enough, especially in an age when everyone is striving to seem more professional, put together, rich, secure, etc than they really are, but laying it all out before another is just straight up excruciating.

But then they uttered the words that I didn't deserve..."I forgive you." I cannot even begin to describe the healing and lightness that flooded my heart at that moment. I know I tend to be dramatic, but even as I type I still feel that giddiness of sitting across from AC and hearing those words and seeing the truth in their eyes. I spent far too much time looking at what I felt was a speck in them to notice what really was a plank in me.

As with my work situation, this change in mine and AC's relationship will have effects in other relationships. We've discussed some areas in which we can grow together and challenge those around us. I'm very excited about the changes taking place in my life, AC's life, our relationship, and the relationships of our little familial unit. It would be so easy to stop here and be content with the positive changes I've made, but I want to keep going. I want Jesus to continue to show me areas that need to be changed, to dig out the ugliness, to be more like Him. It scares me more than a little, but I'm so excited to continue to grow in my relationship with the Lord!

Praise God, from Whom all blessings flow;

Praise Him, all creatures here below;

Praise Him above, ye heavenly host;

Praise Father, Son, and Holy Ghost.

Specks and Planks

It never ceases to amaze me how it feels like I just posted when in actuality it's been a month.  Time flies when you're having fun, right!?!  Eh, I'll go with it.

I've had lots of different things rolling around in my head of late.  It sometimes seems like nothing and everything in particular.  But this time it was and blog worthy.  Well, in my estimation anyway :)

I had a chat with a co-worker about a month ago.  I adore T!  Her attitude, her work ethic, how she treats others...you can just tell that she's a great person.  So I was excited to learn that she was a Christian as well because one thing I've always wanted was a work mentor, but so many people are all about the money or stepping on others to get what you want.  T isn't like that was I was super excited to FINALLY have someone I can talk to, vent to, model myself after.  Anyway, as much as I love love love my job, there was a period of it being ridiculously stressful.  S and I job share the admin position (I work mornings and she does afternoons) and then I do special projects and other stuff the rest of the day.  When I interviewed and was hired I knew this would be the way things are, but I needed a job so bad I didn't care if it was part time.  But then they needed me full time.  So for two months I covered it all myself and then suddenly I was having to share what I had been doing alone.  It was a very difficult transition for me.  Made even more so by another person trying to be all involved when they weren't at all.

Stressed didn't even begin to describe what I was feeling.  I felt that my job was in jeopardy.  I was working so hard to try to be the best and not get forgotten in the newness of S.  And I was competitive.  Like whoa.  I didn't want anyone to like her more than they liked me so I was finding all sorts of public things to do that would make people realize how vital and needed I was.  And S was doing the same.  It was bad.

But by the grace of God, T stepped in.  We sat down to talk about some work stuff one day and the conversation flowed to what she was noticing.  She saw how extra person was all up in our, mine and S's, business, she saw S and I both working hard to out do each other and the strain it was putting on me.  Side note: it sometimes takes me a while to process my thoughts and feelings.  I can recognize what I'm feeling, but I need time to dig through it all to figure out the root of it and how to deal with it.  That said, even though I was stressed out I was so busy trying to stay ahead that I wasn't taking the time to process what was driving those feelings.  T was able to express what she was seeing and what was concerning her and it perfectly described what I was feeling, but unable to verbalize.  Long story short, after talking with T, I was able to go to S, who is also a Christian, and apologize for my behavior.  She had been feeling much the same way that I had and we were able to find an amazing balance.  Since then S and I have experienced a level of honesty and vulnerability that I've shared in very few relationships.  It's been wonderful!  That's not to say we don't get on each other's nerves, but I literally thank God quite often for bringing T and S into my life.

It's late.  More tomorrow...