This is life. Or something like it. I think.

Life is hard.  And as a Christian it often doesn't make much sense.

And I'm learning to be okay with that.  I'm a "free spirit" if you will when it comes to the stuff that doesn't matter very much (where to eat, jumping off waterfalls or jump off anything for that matter, breaking rules), but when it's important I'm very much a play by the rules, cross all my t's and dot all my i's kinda girl.  So walking by faith doesn't come very easily for me.  I need to know what is expected of me and how I'm expected to get it done.  Otherwise I stress to the point of grinding my teeth at night and biting my fingernails so short I bleed.  Seriously.  And I'm guessing that not what Jesus intended when He called us to walk by faith.

These feelings often leave me feeling isolated.  In my head I know I can't be the only person with these questions, but because everyone, myself included, does such  a great job of keeping their insecurities and failures a secret, people are often left feeling all alone.  Steven Furtick, speaking about insecurity, said it best when he said, "one reason we struggle with insecurity: we're comparing our behind the scenes to everyone else's highlight reel."

And it's so true!  Sure, this place in life, which I'll blog about tomorrow-ish, is uncomfortable and completely unexpected, but would I be as upset about it if I weren't comparing myself to those who own their homes, have jobs that don't involve wiping butt, drive vehicles that are more stylish, or have skinnier bodies?  I would warrant to guess probably not.

What would life look like if we/I embraced the struggles and decided to not only not run from them, but share them with others?  To embrace and work through the pain rather than dull it with electronics, food, friends, busyness?  If instead of getting down on myself I held tighter to God's promises instead of my short sighted delusions of what is?

In no uncertain terms, God said, "My thoughts are completely different from yours, And my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine." (Isaiah 55:8 NLT)  So while I'm imagining an upward moving career, 401(K), and benefits, what if He's imagining someone who can live anywhere and on very little because He has plans of my starting a business or running a non-profit or going back to school?  How I would hate to settle for a "good job" when He wanted to give me my heart's deepest desires!

Abba, may I never again question Your plan.  Forgive me for doubting; forgive my wavering and sinful heart.  Just as You were there when Peter's faithlessness caused him to sink in the water, I know You are here with me in the midst of this scary situation.  This day, I once again choose to take up my cross and follow You irregardless of the costs to my life, my belongings, my reputation.  I want You more than I want this world and anything in it. Just as the father of the tormented boy cried out, I cry out, "I do believe, but help me not to doubt!"  May you use this sinful vessel as a tool to reflect your glory and grace.  I bow before You and ask that you continue to mold me and make me into your vessel.  In Jesus' Name.  Amen.

I've been a Christian for more than 20 years now (side note: I'm noticing how often I'm legitimately saying something happened more than 20 years ago and it's kinda freakin' me out).  That said, (how long I've been a Christian not how long I've been alive) you'd think I'd have better control of my fears and emotions.  But alas, I'm most often a churning sea of insecurity and self doubt.

And nothing brings them out more than late nights laying in bed.  Sometimes I fall asleep with seconds of hitting the pillow, but as I'm coming off working nights my sleep schedule gets messed up and I oversleep when I should be awake and I'm awake when I should be sleeping...like now.  Hence the post.

Most often I fear I won't do anything with my life.  I adore being Tia, aunt in Spanish, to my nephew and nieces and I think I'm pretty dang good at it, but that's not what I want the sum success of my life to be.  Sure, I went to a really good school and got a great education (read expensive), but am I using that degree?  Was it really worth it?  Am I doing justice to the professors who poured into my life?  To the legacy of what the college stood for?  Did I set myself up for failure in wanting to go to grad school for a medical career?  Is it time to hang it up and find something more in line with where I am now, not where I think I want to be?  And where do I want to be?

These are the thoughts that plague my nights.  These and the blasted kids upstairs who think running and jumping at 1233am is okay and the crackhead parents who let them.

What's worse, these aren't even my most horrible fears.  The most repetitive fear I have is that God hasn't blessed this or that area of my life because of something I did or didn't do.  I know, I know.  A Christian for 20+ years and I think works have something to do with God's hand on my life?  Shocking I know.  But sometimes it's hard to get the heart to line up with and accept what the head knows, you know?

Truthfully, I don't think I have to earn God's favor or promises, but as several areas of life aren't anywhere near where I thought I'd be, I have to wonder what's the hold up?  I don't think God's making me live this half fulfilled life until I figure out what He wants, but I would like to know why certain things haven't happened yet.  Are their missed opportunities I did/didn't take advantage of and so I'm living out the consequences of those actions?  Am I perpetually making the wrong choices?  Am I completely missing Him so often and so much that this is where it's left me?