I like to laugh.  And often.  If one were to take time to observe me, alone or with others, I laugh a lot.  It only gets awkward when I'm laughing about what's going on in my head.  Which also happens often.

Here are a couple of photos that have made me laugh recently.  Enjoy!

Oh man, at what point did this become a good idea!?!

The awkward moment when you can't find a bra so you stuff your boobs in your pants!

Haha!  Violence is never the answer, Dad!

I could totally see my brother doing this :)

Haha! I love out of everything she said, her dad picks out her knock against ABC Family as what's bad:)

You've got to love, and by love I mean hate, an eye opening, life changing experience about and with God one day followed by a day from hell the next.  That was my day yesterday.

{photo credit: google.com images}

More specifically this was me yesterday.  But not nearly as glamorous or calm.  Or even secluded which I'd have loved.

My Jeep died.  In the turn lane at 3pm.  At the intersection of Glenwood Ave and Brier Creek Pkwy.  Easily the worst time and place EVER for a vehicle breakdown.  And if the fact of an unexpectedly broken down vehicle isn't stressful enough, let's add the inconsiderate idiots who honked, yelled, cursed, and flipped me off.  Because clearly breaking down was something I wanted to do!!!

I first called my roommate.  No answer.  Then I called my mom.  In Florida.  Not logical at all, but when I freak out she's always who I call.  She calmed me down enough to get me to realize there's nothing she can do and got me to call a friend.  Wonderful Lacey jumped right in her car and came to meet me.  She had the calmness about her to call the police which in turn got the yelling and profanity to stop.  I called a tow truck, but it was going to be a while (why does it take every tow truck at least an hour to get somewhere?) so the officer said we should wait in Lacey's car until it came.  We walked to Lacey's car and when she couldn't find her keys right away she thought she left them in my Jeep.  Unfortunately, I looked inside and realized they were in her ignition.  And the doors were locked.  And the car was on.

We literally and gently, I mean no one wants to add cement face burn to this horrendous day, threw ourselves onto the ground in front of Wild Wings Cafe.

So now we're waiting on AAA to open her car and the tow truck for my car.  Yay.

The policeman calls me to say he has some policeman friends coming and they're going to push my Jeep out of the way because of course by now it's after work and Brier Creek Pkwy is getting busier.  As I'm walking over I see a stopped car in the lane next to mine.  The driver's talking to the officer so I think he's offering to help.  Nope.  His car died.  Now 2 of 5 lanes on Brier Creek Pkwy are blocked by dead vehicles.

It's like I'm sucking people into a black hole of drama.

Thankfully the officers got both my Jeep and the other car pushed to the side of the road, traffic returns to its normal state after 2 hours of my Jeep camped in the middle of the turn lane, Lacey graciously sat with me, followed the tow truck to Raleigh to the shop, and then bought pizza, rented a movie, finished making the cookies I took her from, shared her wine, and let me come over.  Amazingly wonderful friend.  I owe her huge.

So now the Jeep is at the shop.  They will be running a diagnostic test on it today to figure out the problem.  I'm a mess worrying about how to pay for this.  I don't make much money...something I've been trying to change by looking for a new job, but so far no luck.  And now my worst fear has come true...needing money for something and not having it.

The me three days ago would lament why God would let this happen.  But I'm choosing to rejoice today.  For all I know, breaking down was God's way of not allowing the engine to blow up which would be a very costly repair/replacement.  I choose to rejoice that I wasn't physically hurt or in danger.  That I have supportive friends.  That He will never leave me or forsake.  I'm choosing to cling to the knowledge that He loves me beyond my understanding and will walk this out with me.  It's scary, yes.  But I'm choosing to look to Him and not the problem.  Easier said than done when I have to be to work tonight...and plans this weekend...and work next week, but I'm just going to take it one step at a time.  Right now, pray.  Later, talk to the repair shop.  Then, work.

I feel like my life sucks.  It's hard when things are a constant struggle...especially when it seems others don't struggle nearly as much as I do.  But I'm choosing to keep my eyes on Him today.  I'll pray that you'll be able to do the same...but only if you'll pray for a large windfall of money for me!

Also, if you know of a mechanic who might want a new friend let me know...I'll happily barter baked goods for car help when needed:)

What is God's heart towards me?

This is a question my heart has cried for longer than I care to admit.  And then I read this piece by Danish philosopher Søren Kierkegaard.  Laying aside the fact that I cry easily, which I did while reading this, I can whole heartedly say this has changed my life.

Suppose there was a king who loved a humble maiden. The king was like no other king. Every statesman trembled before his power. No one dared breathe a word against him, for he had the strength to crush all opponents.

And yet this mighty king was melted by love for a humble maiden who lived in a poor village in his kingdom. How could he declare his love for her? In an odd sort of way, his kingliness tied his hands. If he brought her to the palace and crowned her head with jewels and clothed her body in royal robes, she would surely not resist-no one dared resist him. But would she love him?

She would say she loved him, of course, but would she truly? Or would she live with him in fear, nursing a private grief for the life she had left behind? Would she be happy at his side? How could he know for sure? If he rode to her forest cottage in his royal carriage, with an armed escort waving bright banners, that too would overwhelm her. He did not want a cringing subject. He wanted a lover, an equal. He wanted her to forget that he was a king and she a humble maiden and to let shared love cross the gulf between them. For it is only in love that the unequal can be made equal.

The king, convinced he could not elevate the maiden without crushing her freedom, resolved to descend to her. Clothed as a beggar, he approached her cottage with a worn cloak fluttering loose about him. This was not just a disguise – the king took on a totally new identity – He had renounced his throne to declare his love and to win hers.

Such a beautiful picture of what He feels for us!



I heart these women!!!



Maggie Valley with the girls!

 I had the pleasure to travel to FL for the wedding of my dear friend, Molly.  She met her husband overseas while they were both serving in a Middle Eastern country.  It was such a wonderful time to see the two of them together, catch up with the friends who are more like sisters (hint: most of them are in the pictures), and spend some time reliving college.

Of everything, though, the most wonderful part of the weekend was sharing and hearing the struggles of the women I love so much.  These are women I met in college when we were nothing more than girls pretending and trying to be women.  We've kept in touch through a FB group as well as the traditional phone calls, email, cards, etc.  My heart is at rest when I'm with them.  It wasn't always so as I often felt unworthy around them...not pretty enough, rich enough, skinny enough.  Thankfully, God dispelled those lies before these relationships were lost and I cherish each and every time I get to spend time with them.

This weekend was no different.  It did much to soothe and comfort my heart.  In the last 5 years, we've had 11 marriages, 2 serve as missionaries, 3 miscarriages, 5 kids, 2 currently pregnant members, infertility problems, and hard core serious marital problems.  And it was the sharing of those marital problems that struck me the most.  I want to get married, but I'm so afraid I'll choose the wrong guy or that 10 years down the road he doesn't want to be married to me anymore or I/we will have too many issues and he won't want to stay and work through them with me.  It scares me to no end.  It doesn't help that I feel like marriage is most often portrayed as the cure all for life's problems or it's touted as an institution that is horribly bad and needs to be avoided at all costs.  I don't agree with either of those views and although I've seen many good examples of marriage, it still scares the crap out of me.

So as I sat and cried with these sisters of my heart, I was struck by their strength, tenacity, and faith in Christ.  Even as one shared that her husband confessed to lying for 3 1/2 out of the 4 years of their marriage, she never sought a way out of the marriage.  As another said her husband continually falls into the sin of a particular temptation, she doesn't degrade or belittle him, she prays for him.  Another, knowing the grip a certain sin and the ensuing struggle it causes in the life of her fiance, happily plans their uncoming wedding.  Still another shares the anger, hurt, and frustration of infertility yet she'd have it no other way than with the man who hurts and comforts her better than any other person alive.

In these women I see what marriage really looks like.  It's not all butterflies and picnics, but it's beautiful all the same.  I hate that they are going through these struggles, but I feel so honored that they are allowing me to walk this journey with them.  Of all the weddings I've been invited to, apart of, or just sent gifts, none have allowed me to glimpse what real marriage looks like.  It's as scary as I thought it would be, but these women just did more to convince me it's worth the scariness than anyone else has ever done.  I hope if I'm ever married I can be an encouragement and share life with someone just as they have with me.

Problem solved!

I never answered the phone and young patient stopped calling.  I was at the point of on his next call having a guy answer and act like an angry boyfriend, but thankfully it never got that far.  Although his calling at what I labeled booty call hours was wildly inappropriate.  You don't call someone at 1230am!  You just don't do that!

I just hope he doesn't get admitted as a patient back on our unit before I find another job!  That would be super awkward!

{photo credit pinterest.com}

 Stop waiting for everything to be perfect before you start. Stop thinking that you need to have this before you can do that. Give up the thought you need to have 3 Phd’s and 10 years of experience before you try. Give up the thought that you have to be perfect, look the part and have no weakness before you give your heart and put your self out there. Know you have everything you need right now. RIGHT NOW. Within you. Your imperfections make you who you are. They differentiate you from the crowd.

I wish this were easier to believe and to walk/live out.

Ever had to have a DTR...with someone you aren't interested in!?!

Unfortunately, I'm about to have to do just that.  I swear I get myself in the weirdest situations.

Because it was so unexpected and super awkward I stupidly gave my cell number to a patient.  It's bad enough that I thought he was 20 years old (far too young for us to be talking about ANYthing), but I realized he's actually 24 and since I look like I'm 23 or 24 I think he thinks this might be something.  Even though he has a girlfriend.  And actually said he'd have to hide my number from her.

WHAT!?!  How do these things happen to me!?!  I don't do drama and somehow found myself right in the middle of it.

I wouldn't think anything about it if I hadn't given him my number on Monday night and by Tuesday night he had called me.  Twice.  One of which was at 9pm.  I wasn't asleep or anything...I was actually out...but you don't call a woman with whom you have no relationship with at 9pm.  And you especially don't call her at 11pm!  Which he did tonight.  Curses.

For someone who hates awkward situations I seem to find myself in quite a few humdingers of colossal awkward.  Oh, I hope he just stops calling me...

So I'm cleaning out the virtual closet of all the draft posts I've started about what's been going on in life, but haven't finished.  I'm compiling thoughts and photos to this one post.  It's kinda like my version of a news stations' "around the world in 60 seconds" headline recap.

April 29th. Swoon-worthy. Prince William got married in what can only be described as a fairy tale wedding...at least from the outside anyway. A friend's mom said she still had fond memories of watching the wedding of Charles and Diana with her girlfriends, so we decided to do the same. Although none of us was brave/crazy enough to get up at 3am to watch the wedding, we got together the following Sunday night and had a good ol' fashioned girls night of wedding watching, talking about boys, eating junk food, being silly, and talking about boys. Great night! I will definitely treasure those memories:)

May 1st.  Historical.  Osama bin Laden, the leading force behind the World Trade Center attacks, was found and killed.  As an American who mourned with the rest of the country and world at the mindless deaths of so many brave and innocent people, I was relieved.  Those victims and their families deserved some closure and justice.  But I'm trying to constantly remind myself of the difference between what anyone actually deserves (in light of the Gospel) versus what we think we need/deserve and I found myself praying.

I prayed for the innocent children who were at the compound when the troops can bursting in...I'm sure they were probably scared and confused.  For the wife, who irregardless of her beliefs, tried to protect her husband.  I prayed that, even though I think it seems beyond the realm of possibility, that those people would come to know a God who doesn't promote death and destruction, a God of love, a God who gave Himself for them.

The President and his officials watching the raid.

June 14th.  Wow.  The secret anniversary of my 25th birthday.  It's not that year 25 was so special, but I've simply chosen to remain 25 forever.  I'm kinda like a Lost Boy in that.  It was a nice birthday...I did a little shopping, treated myself to some Starbucks, took a nap, you know the usual raucous birthday celebrations:)  Over the weekend we hit up the beach with some of my favorite people and ended the weekend with me cooking spaghetti for dinner.  I also made my favorite cake...yellow cake with chocolate icing.  In all honesty, it was the ugliest cake I've ever seen.  It kept falling apart as I'd put the icing on it.  So I'd eat that piece and try to add more icing.  As you can guess I ended with some ugly chunks out of the cake.  But it tasted great and I didn't care!

June 25th. Amazing. We went to the Benefit Ball which was raising money for a couple from Summit who will be adopting from Ethiopia. Crazy fun night of dancing with friends! Can't wait until next year!

Hotness.

July 4th. Wonderful. We went to the lake for the long weekend. Lots of eating, playing games, laying around, floating in the lake, and tons of pictures. It was greatness personified. And I mean, look at this amazing group of people...you wish you could be this awesome:) Yay for weekends away with friends!

Gerald had a Eurotrash party to kick off his vaca to Europe. There are more pictures that I'd like to post, but just don't have the room for. Just know it was E.P.I.C. I had a Cheetah Girls skirt that was legitimately a kids, but fit. The top was denim with an embroidered flower and tiered ruffles of leopard print and lace. The ugliest thing EVER created...and I loved it! It will be appearing at some costume party in my future!

The group post dancing.  It was hot as heck in the club hence all the sweat, Billy's transparent shirt, and my giant hair.



Two of my favorite guys:)



Please see the epicness of this skirt.  Thank you Durham Rescue Mission thrift store for helping make this the most awesome party outfit ever!

This last recap brings us to our most recent outing...camping at Pilot Mtn.  I will admit to not being the happiest of campers because of how blazing hot it was...I only slept for about an hour the first night because I was so miserable.  But we hiked, ate, played A LOT of Nerts (my newest favorite game), sweated obscene amounts, bonded with friends, had a couple of serious convos, and had an all around good time.

The group at the top of the mountain.

Owling.  We are equal opportunity fad followers.  But only the cool fads.



Like multi-level planking.

And flamingo-ing.  Yep, we made it up.  And it's gonna go global.




{photo credit to weheartit.com}

  
Sunday Perfection...

is lunch after church,

laying by the pool with friends,

going to dinner smelling like chlorine, sunblock, and sunlight,

getting some wonderful fro yo at Yo Mo,

heading back to the house to put on sweats, turning the a/c low, getting lots of blankets and pillows, everyone scouting out places on the floor and couches, and watching a movie.

This has been my Sunday ritual, so dubbed THE Tradition, for the last 3 out of 4 Sundays.  And only 3 because that fourth Sunday we were at the lake doing this for 4 days straight!  It's a great way to wrap up a weekend/start a new week.  So blessed to serve a God who appreciates rest, to live in a free country, and to have friends who let me be me...all ridiculously hyper, color confused, always ready to eat me.

I've been a Christian for more than 20 years now (side note: I'm noticing how often I'm legitimately saying something happened more than 20 years ago and it's kinda freakin' me out).  That said, (how long I've been a Christian not how long I've been alive) you'd think I'd have better control of my fears and emotions.  But alas, I'm most often a churning sea of insecurity and self doubt.

And nothing brings them out more than late nights laying in bed.  Sometimes I fall asleep with seconds of hitting the pillow, but as I'm coming off working nights my sleep schedule gets messed up and I oversleep when I should be awake and I'm awake when I should be sleeping...like now.  Hence the post.

Most often I fear I won't do anything with my life.  I adore being Tia, aunt in Spanish, to my nephew and nieces and I think I'm pretty dang good at it, but that's not what I want the sum success of my life to be.  Sure, I went to a really good school and got a great education (read expensive), but am I using that degree?  Was it really worth it?  Am I doing justice to the professors who poured into my life?  To the legacy of what the college stood for?  Did I set myself up for failure in wanting to go to grad school for a medical career?  Is it time to hang it up and find something more in line with where I am now, not where I think I want to be?  And where do I want to be?

These are the thoughts that plague my nights.  These and the blasted kids upstairs who think running and jumping at 1233am is okay and the crackhead parents who let them.

What's worse, these aren't even my most horrible fears.  The most repetitive fear I have is that God hasn't blessed this or that area of my life because of something I did or didn't do.  I know, I know.  A Christian for 20+ years and I think works have something to do with God's hand on my life?  Shocking I know.  But sometimes it's hard to get the heart to line up with and accept what the head knows, you know?

Truthfully, I don't think I have to earn God's favor or promises, but as several areas of life aren't anywhere near where I thought I'd be, I have to wonder what's the hold up?  I don't think God's making me live this half fulfilled life until I figure out what He wants, but I would like to know why certain things haven't happened yet.  Are their missed opportunities I did/didn't take advantage of and so I'm living out the consequences of those actions?  Am I perpetually making the wrong choices?  Am I completely missing Him so often and so much that this is where it's left me?

Of late, I've been thinking on direction, ambition, purpose, fulfillment and other such weighty topics a lot.  Not that I've come to any conclusions on ANYTHING, but I've been thinking.

And then I came across this verse this afternoon.

"For I have a great sense of obligation to people in our culture and to people in other cultures, to the educated and uneducated alike.  So I am eager to come to you in Rome, too, to preach God's Good News." Romans 1:14-15

It challenged and saddened me.  Unlike Paul, I don't have this passionate hunger for anything...not even Jesus.  Without question I love the Lord and strive to honor Him with my life.  But do I have a sense of obligation and am I eager to share Him with others?  Am I eager to go to work?  Is there an attitude of intentionality of making Him known and serving others when I get there?  Not so much.

Again, no answers, but I'm wondering what needs to change and how to go about making said changes in order to get my heart and life to a place of eagerness...in life, in relationships, in sharing Him.  I've lost my zeal.  Like many others, I graduated college with big plans and decisive opinions.  Thankfully, some of those ideas were politely squelched, others not so politely.  But in being tempered and growing in experience and wisdom, it seems I've lost the fire.

But there is hope.  If Paul can be imprisoned, beaten, starved, shipwrecked, bitten by a snake, and the many other calamities weren't recorded but I know he had to have endured and still have fight in him, I'm sure I can find it in myself.

So here's to mistakes, fears, and failures.  May they always keep me close to His side and not deter me from living the life I was created to live.  Amen and amen!

Before I get back to my randomness of the last post, I wanted to put these pictures up.  These are women I met in college and we were pretty inseparable for quite a while.  Friendships ebb and flow, but I was reminded this weekend, the weekend of Ashley's wedding, how much I will always love these women.  I have loved them since they uninvitedly marched into my dorm room second semester of freshman year, while I was in nothing but a towel no less, and made me one of their own.  We are 8 years, 3 states, 2 marriages, and 3 children beyond this first photo, but I still and will always love them.  Congratulations Ashley and Jeff!

December 2003

May 2011

 

I feel like such a bad blogger because it's usually so long between posts.  In actuality, I have several different drafts saved, but if I don't feel inspired with my writing they just stay saved and never published.  Maybe one of these days I'll get around to finishing some of them :P

I was reading this blog today by my friend Lori.  (Sweet girl who pretty much keeps me laughing whenever I'm around her with her randomness.)  Anyway, I was challenged by her honesty and transparency in her post about how we're all like leftovers...yes, as in food.  I thought it was a brilliant analogy, but that might be due to my erratic thought process that swings from food to relationships to theology and back to food in a matter of minutes.  But like I said, I liked her openness.

I tend to be a people pleaser.  I don't like to know peoople are upset with me.  In my head I know I can't please everyone, but it's hard for my heart to accept that.  Most often, I wrap myself in an armor of bravado in hopes it comes across as actual courage when in actuality I'm racked with insecurity and fear.  I give the opinions of others far too much freedom in my life, my thoughts.  So much so, I'll sometimes do or not do something because of what someone has said.  It's sad really.  I know it, I just can't seem to break from it.  And I see it in lots of areas of my life...my clothes, my music, my hair, my decorating...it's all middle of the line and blah.  Trying to maintain what I think is status quo sucks.

And it's a stressful life.

Trying to not fail and please everyone wears you out.  One, because failure is apart of life.  We aren't born perfect nor do we ever attain perfection so at some point we will fail.  Trying to stave off the inevitable is just a lot of unnecessary work.  Two, it's often through failure and tough times we learn and grow the most.

I'm reminded of something I once heard about Robert Kiyosaki, author of Rich Dad, Poor Dad.  Kiyosaki has said if it wasn't for having declared bankruptcy TWICE he'd never have made it as far as he has.  Regardless of what anyone thinks about his books or philosophy, the man retired at 47 years old.  Um, winning.  It was his failures that taught him best how to run and not run a business.  Yet the thought of failing, especially publicly, shakes me to my core.  But on the other hand I really want the freedom to tell people to keep it to themselves.  Just because you think that's the best way to handle something doesn't give you the right to talk to me about it as if that's the only way to deal with a situation.

Is there a way to say that nicely?

I was just so excited about this meal that I had to take pictures and post them!  Although I'm a very good cook, I rarely do because the time and effort of cooking and then cleaning for one doesn't outweigh the convenience of just eating cereal or a sandwich.  But, if and when I do cook it's for work.  When working 12+ hour days with the our patients, a hot meal is often one of the only good things about my day.  So I cook.

About a month ago I bought chicken thighs solely because they were on sale.  They've been in the freezer since then because I didn't know how to cook them.  Lucky for me I have a recipe book, 365 Ways to Cook Chicken, with a very simple and delicious recipe.

I simply seasoned the chicken with black pepper and placed them on a broiler pan covered with foil.  I mixed honey mustard with a little mayo and covered the chicken.  The recipe calls for you to broil the chicken 12 minutes on each side, coating the other side with the honey mustard/mayo mix when you flip the chicken.  I'll definitely slice/poke holes in the chicken to cook it faster, but it came out great!

As for my side, I peeled and cut 2 sweet potatoes, cored and diced a Granny Smith apple and combined them with dried cranberries.  I mixed it all together with a little brown sugar and put it in a Pyrex.  Added a few pats of butter and in the oven it went until the sweet potatoes were softened.  The recipe actually called to put it all in a Ziploc microwavable steamers bag, but I didn't have any or want to pay for them so I adjusted the recipe.

It was perfection!  Take a look!

Pure deliciousness!

This had been a long time in coming.  And I finally feel ready to write out these feelings.  I've never understood how or why people feel guilty about something out of their control.  As I saw it, if you weren't directly involved and couldn't affect the outcome, how could you feel guilty about something you didn't do?

The death of my patient felt me with these same feelings that I couldn't understand or fully express.  I don't know exactly why as I had nothing to do with her surgery or even any serious amounts of care.  Yet, I was left feeling like there was more I could've done to make her stay more enjoyable or gotten to know her family better or done more for her kids.  I was haunted by these thoughts for days and days.  I could barely function without crying from the intense grief I felt over the lost of this wonderful life.

I thought going to the funeral service would help bring closure, but it just served to show how much more wonderful she was than what I already knew.  Her family and friends thanked us for the care we gave her.  If they only knew how deeply she touched our lives, my life.  I can't even begin to understand why God chose to allow their lives to take this path.  If I had my way, she'd be home celebrating a successful surgery and renewed life with her family.  But His ways aren't my ways.  And I rest in the knowledge that she knew that as well.

The following is from a book of prayers we, the staff, were given by the hospitals grief counselors.  It embodies lifestyle this wonderful woman exhibited to us each and every day.  I will never forget the impact you made on my life.  I will remember to always just breathe...

Wondrous Lord,

You are all I want,

all I have,

all I seek.

I give myself

into Your hands,

trusting that

You know what is best

for me

and will bring me to that place

where You are all in all. Amen.

Meister Eckhart

I'm a broken mess right now.

A patient of ours, and she was most definitely "ours" as in my entire unit, died yesterday morning.

With the patient population I work with, death is something we're very acquainted with.  You don't work with lung transplant patients and not deal with death.  And this death isn't the first I've had.  We've had several long time patients die.  Yet each one hurts as if it were the first.  We spend long hours doing everything we can to make these people comfortable and try to heal them.  We share our lives with them to help them not feel disconnected with the outside world, we meet and get to know their spouses, children,  grandchildren, their likes and dislikes.  We hear their stories of childhood and share our own.  We make things for them, bring them books and snacks, we learn what they enjoy and provide it.  We hold their hands when their afraid, sit with and hug them when they cry, we hum and sing when they're anxious.  We become apart of their support system.  They become apart of us.  And we ache when they lose the battle.

This patient.  She had a difficult road.  I was there when she first came to us and no one knew anything about her.  I saw the transformation of her and her husband from fear of a new hospital and staff to complete trust and kinship in that we would do anything to make her better.  We celebrated their 15th wedding anniversary.  And her birthday.  We played with her kids and got to know her parents.  She quickly went from a new patient to a much cared about friend.  We loved her.

We were afraid she wouldn't get the lungs she needed.  We saw her get transferred to the ICU because she was getting weaker.  And we rejoiced when she came back to us.  There was a real fear that she wouldn't get lungs because of her diverse heritage, but it was with much excitement that she got both necessary calls Sunday saying they found lungs for her.  Monday morning she was wheeled off the unit with lots of well wishes and shouts of prayers as we got ready for the 18 hour wait hearing how the surgery went.

And she died.

I don't know if it's even possible for me to cry anymore.  My heart aches for her husband and her precious babies.  They're so young.  I'm afraid in five years they won't remember her face or her immeasurable love for them.  I can't wrap my brain around this.  Why her?  Why not the brain dead patient who is only alive because of a ventilator?  Why one so young with so much to live for?

I'm gonna be brutally honest here.

At the beginning of the month, as it was New Year's, we had a lot of interns and residents working because our attendings had the holidays off.  Although all doctors are somewhat odd and interns especially, we had already determined one of the interns was decidedly a fruitcake.  Girl was just plain strange, but we only had to deal with her for a couple of more days.

And then she pissed me off.  Most noticeably was her tone of voice and how she talked to me like I was an errant child.

So I did the only logical thing.

I came home and took several online IQ tests.

So when i said logical i meant logical in the angry-I-wanna-get-even-with-that-heifer kinda way.

It seems that I have an above average IQ.  Heck, I got an 80 on the Mensa test.  Truthfully, I never doubted my intelligence, but I had elaborate fantasies about telling her exactly what I thought of her and how I would be able to work my above average IQ, which of course would be above her IQ as well, into my justified tirade.

Oh, the life and thought processes of this sinful creature.

I've casually been thinking of a good and solid New Year's resolutions for this year and I've finally figured it out.  Well, at least one.  Tonight we celebrated both of my roommates birthdays...one is one the 8th and the other is on the 10th.  It was an amazing party!  Lots of fun had by all with great decorations, food, and location.  All around an amazingly awesome time!  But anyway.  As I enjoyed the evening, watched them enjoy the evening and then later as we were looking at pictures when we got home, I was just so very grateful to God putting them in my life.  I LOVE these girls!  They know me and have walked with me through some very difficult situations.  They've been supportive, compassionate, and honest.  We aren't always crazy by the things each other does, but I always love them.  Tonight was another of those times where I was reminded of how much I love them tonight.  And how often I keep that to myself.

So that's my resolution for this year.  I resolve to be more vocal in my love, support, and accountability of others, to write more cards and letters to let others know how vital and inspirational they are, to challenge and sharpen a sister or brother, to be an encouragement in good times and bad, to give of my time and resources rather than constantly run to and fro, to allow God to minister to His children through me.  I thrive in situations where I'm given verbal feedback yet I rarely respond in like manner.  This year I will give what I often crave rather than take from another.  Not for myself, my ego, or to feel good about what I've done, but for that person who also desires the affirmation of a job well done, who wants to know someone is on their side.

To give unselfishly
to love the least of these
Jesus I'm learning how to live with open hands
All these treasures that I own
will never satisfy my soul
Jesus I lay them at your throne with open hands

I lift my hands open wide
let the whole world see
how you love, how you died, how you set me free
free at last, I surrender all I am with open hands, with open hands

To finally let go of my plans
these earthly kingdoms built of sand
Jesus at your cross I stand with open hands

You took the nails, You bore the crown
You hung your head, Your love poured out
You took my place, You paid the price
so Jesus now I will give my life

Last month I went into a patient's room for some random reason and saw she had a book titled "This I Believe: The Personal Philosophies of Remarkable Men and Women" sitting on her table.  It looked interesting so I snapped a picture of the book front (make no mistake...I took a picture of the book not the patient...no HIPPA violations here!) and borrowed it from the library.  It's been an amazing read!  The book is based on a NPR radio series that originally aired in 1950.  It's a collection of short essays from people you've heard of to some you'll never hear of, but amazing all.  Each person was asked to think about and explain what they believe, what has brought them to their current personal beliefs in life.  The essayists are extremely diverse in their beliefs, but what I adore is that they don't just write about religious beliefs or laws or whatever.  Their writings "reveal the American spirit."  They believe in love, family, pride, adoption, God, the lack of God, equality.  It humbles me as I catch these glimpses into the lives of others and hear their stories and the experiences that have led them to their current beliefs.

I'm still in the midst of the book, but it, as well as the fact that I'm just days into a new year, naturally led me to consider this for myself.  Not in a religious beliefs sort of way because I'm firmly planted in my Christian faith, but as I see what other people stand for/believe in/represent to others it made me question my life.  Added to that, I was watching tv and one character called another a "side part and curl under" kinda girl.  She was referring to those women whose hair is parted on the side and curled under because they just want to get by without much attention or making waves in life.  They're too afraid to take a risk...so afraid they won't even take risks to stand out with something as menial as hair.  (I write this blog for myself, but I realize others read it as well.  Which is why I feel the need to clarify something here for the readers who aren't African American (AA) women.  I'm well aware that hair is definitely more important than "menial" to women...especially AA women.  Books and songs and essays have been written, and much better than I shall ever do, on the topic of hair and the AA woman.  However, that isn't the point at the moment and as such hair is being labeled "menial" for the purpose of the bigger picture.)

And so I wonder.  In what ways have I kept the status quo simply for the sake of not making others uncomfortable?  Or putting myself in a place that makes me nervous or fearful?  What do I believe?  In what areas am I a "side part and curl under" girl?  Because I know I am literally and figuratively.

Maybe it's simply the newness of the year, but I can't help but be excited about 2011.  I truly feel like God has a huge things planned for me.  Already I've been faced with some huge future decisions that may come to fruition in the next few months and I'm way excited about it!  Change isn't always easy or fun.  No doubt I will be required to give up some things and some people that I love, but I don't want to forever be a "side part and curl under" kinda person.  I want to explore and live and discover.  I want to see and know what's out there.  I want to experience and fully embrace what He has in store for me.

I want to know what I believe.