This is a post from this summer that I started and never finished.  It still holds true for me so I decided to go ahead and finish it up and post it...

I was born and raised in TX.  I consider and will always consider myself Texan.  I don't, however, consider Texas a Southern state.  There is much Southern influence, but we aren't Southern.  We're our own brand of Southern hospitality mixed in with some Wild West adventure and good ol' Texas kick ass attitude.  And even though I no longer live in TX, old Southern influenced habits die hard.  Specifically in reference to church, my first reaction is to dress up for church and never leave home without my Bible.

Which is why I've struggled with the new technology age I find myself apart of and what it means for the Body of Christ.

I attend the Saturday night services which is admittedly more relaxed than the traditional Sunday morning services-even at my laid back church.  However, I recently attended Sunday morning services and was brought up short by a random couple I saw heading to their seats.  They carried cups of coffee and keys.  Nothing else.

Where were their Bibles?  I was struck by the fact that they appeared comfortable in the church setting-they were not carrying the typical visitor gift bags and they walked right in to seats without seeking the direction of the greeters-so I assumed they were regulars.  And they didn't have Bibles.  My first thought was I Thes. 5:20-21 where Paul urges the Thessalonians to not scoff at prophecies, but to test everything that is said.  I've heard several pastors, including my own, say not to automatically believe everything he says, to verify, and know the Word for yourself.  It instantly made me sad for them, for me, for this culture that automatically accepts the words of others without question.  Is this the type of Christianity/church atmosphere my nephew and niece will grow up in?  A world of Christians simply waiting for the church to project Scripture onto a screen with no one seeking the truth for themselves?

I saw a guy the other night using his iPhone as a Bible.  I think it's great that people can easily access Scripture from wherever they are, but I remember easily accessing Scripture with the pocket Bible in my backpack.  Our lead pastor even made a joke about how he knew the people pulling out their phones were looking at the Bible and not texting.  It just makes me sad.  I know how my thoughts can run away with me, but in that moment I mourned the loss of simpler times...if growing up in the 80's can be considered simpler times.  I don't believe that not carrying a Bible to church makes one less of a Christian or less knowledgeable about the Bible, but I do know 10 years ago you'd be harder pressed to find those in church without their Bible than you would now.  What will the next 10 years look like?

It's not that I think going to church without a Bible is sinful.  It's what could grow out of this new freedom that worries me.  I can't and won't even begin question anothers relationship with Christ.  Heck, it's often the ones with the Bibles and in leadership who are the furthest from God.  But I worry that the Body is setting herself up for failure.  I did some searching on this and found that Bible sales in bookstores, Christian or otherwise, have decreased over the last couple of years.  But online Bible sales have gone up.  And this isn't just buying Bibles online, but buying online versions of the Bible.  The Bible has gone from a book to a PDF file on our computers.

I personally find great pleasure in sitting with my Bible and a cup of coffee or tea in my reading nook and learning more about Him.  I worry our desire for instant gratification in everything will and has caused us to squeeze Jesus into even more of a tiny drop of our lives.  If we can get our Jesus fix on the go, why get up earlier in the morning?  This isn't to say I don't try to squeeze Jesus into my life or that you'll always find me up at 5am reading my Bible.  More often than not, I fail at getting up early and reading my Bible.  Sometimes my time with Him is prayer while at work, listening to a sermon online or that I've downloaded to listen to while driving, or a worship CD on my way to work.  I know there are multitudes of ways to spend time with Him.  I just fear that the old tried and true way, reading the Bible, is disappearing.

Thoughts?

I've often heard of guys saying they get snubbed by women while trying to do the gentlemanly thing.  But I've never been witness to it.  Until this week.

When you work at Duke, you have to park in one place and then take a bus to the hospital.  And they charge monthly for parking miles from where I need to be!  Anyway.  I was on the bus and it was overcrowded as usual when several women got on at the last stop.  After a couple of seconds the gentleman next to me stood up and offered his seat to one of the women standing.  I thought it was an extremely nice thing to do considering I've only seen one person give their seat up and it was a woman standing so that a pregnant woman could sit.  Anyway, home slice had the audacity to look him  up and down, look at her friend as if she was annoyed he'd offered and said no.  I was livid.  The gentleman stood for the remainder of the ride leaving the seat open for her and she never took it.

I must confess that I don't know if they knew each other so maybe her response was because she knew that would lead to him asking her out again or they had a history and she was trying to not complicate things.  I dunno.  I also find those scenarios highly unlikely.  I know I shouldn't speculate when I don't know the full story, but I was outraged to see her snub him the way she did.  And was probably talking about not having a good man within hours of that ride.  Okay, again, I probably shouldn't say that.  I don't know either of them.  But I do know women.  And the look she gave her friend wasn't one of shocked appreciation, but one of indignation and outrage that he'd do something as backwoods as offer her his seat.

What has become of our society that women snub men for things like that?  I'm not the type of women to stand at a door until a man opens it or runs to get the door for myself.  I simply fully appreciate and thank the man who does.  I love being treated like a lady.  Sadly, I think women have worked so hard to be considered equals to men that they've lost the sense of what it means to be treated like a woman.  And what burns me up even more is that we aren't equal to men anyway.  Any poll or survey will tell you women still make less than men and to be a woman who makes more you have to be young and hot.   I heard John Tesh (yes, I listen and enjoy "Intelligence for Your Life") say that the highest earning man is slightly overweight, in his 30's, married with a family.  The highest earning female, still making less than the man, is size 4 to 6, young, dresses well, and wears heels.  Um, what!?!  So with these kind of odds stacked against women I can somewhat understand women's disdain for men...somewhat.

I still think she acted ugly towards the gentleman on the bus.  I don't think women will be getting equal pay anytime soon.  I hate that men are getting burned for treating women as women and are now starting to treat women as asexual beings who can do for themselves.  And I really hate that those of us who appreciate a good man treating us like women are getting the shaft because other women only want independence and equality from men.  And don't get me started on the proven and sad trend of dating and marriage for the college-educated black woman.  It makes me sad to see how sin has changed our world and how far we are from what God's original plan was.  May we turn back to the foundation of our creation and of this great country and seek God's face.

“To be right with God has often meant to be in trouble with men.” A.W. Tozer

This quote aptly sums up something my mom and I have recently talked about, something I've been struggling to walk out.  My life has been about having friends, being accepted by others, not rocking the boat.  I've lived in a small cubicle of space when God tells my heart I'm meant to live unbound and free.  I've fettered myself to a prison wall of my own sins...fear, insecurity, self loathing, pride.

This day I'm choosing to walk in the freedom He has given me, to be opposite of my peers, to live differently from what society says is the norm for my demographic, to not be afraid to be who He called me to be and to do what He calls me to do...even if it means losing everything.  I've lost much this year yet He has stayed constant.  His love never fails.

Abba, may I not lose sight of my eternal home for comfort on this temporary Earth.  Continue to take from what I use as an idol.  I surrender my life to You.  I give up my life for You, that I may one day find it again.  Create in me a pure heart.

Jesus is teaching me about grace.  It's blowing the perceptions I've held right out of the water.  I'm realizing that I don't understand it at all, I still haven't fully accepted it, and I've not extended much of it to others.  Theologically speaking, I would consider it a basic tenet of Christianity; yet 22 years into this journey of mine and I've still not even begun to know what it looks like.  Much less embrace it and live it out.

But I woke up today with a better understanding of it than I ever have.  And it literally made me smile even before I opened my eyes.

And it's through the lense of this newfound nugget of understanding that I want to read and listen to every sermon, verse, and hymn that mentions grace.  I have literally become enraptured with this trait, this gift, this facet of God.  So much so, that I went to the library and checked out Philip Yancey's book "What's So Amazing About Grace?" in an effort to better understand.  I want, no, I need someone to flesh out all that's running through my head, to help me think it straight.  I can't wait to dive in!

"If you are not praying, then you are quietly confident that time, money, and talent are all you need in life." ~Paul Miller, A Praying Life

"Prayerlessness isn't an issue of self-discipline, but of extreme arrogance or unbelief." ~JD Greear

*****
I've been mulling over these statements the last few days since JD said them as apart of his sermon a couple of weeks ago.  Hearing and trying to digest these statements was like a personal storm of thunder and lightning in my being.  It was convicting.  It was hard to hear.  And it was true.  Truer than I'd like to admit.

I have struggled with this never ending battle of being really consistent about reading my Bible and praying followed by a drought-ish time of not doing either and not being able to break out of the pattern.  I've always considered it a lack of discipline to not be able to get myself out of that pattern, which in some ways it definitely is, but lately I've come to realize it's more than that.  It's a lack of belief in His power in my life that's the issue.  Honestly, I wish it were just an issue of self-discpline.  That would be easier to overcome.  But no.  It's my lack of belief in His desire to be apart of my life.  Not a major issue at all...just the foundation of my faith.  Ugh.

It's not like I don't believe the Bible, the Trinity, or the life and works of Christ.  I adamantly believe in the miracles Jesus performed, that He lived sinlessly, that the Bible is inerrant, etc.  But what I struggle with accepting that He, in spite of my very petty very selfish life, wants me to ask Him for anything and everything, that He longs to be near me.  It's hard for me to accept.  I know this has been an issue in my life for a very long time, but it hasn't been until recently, as God continues to open my heart and work on the layers of sin and hurt, I've begun to understand.  The depth of my unbelief and confusion has done such damage in my life, in relationships.  It breaks my heart to know through this I've hurt those I care about.

But I'm choosing to seek Him.  To seek healing, restoration, and hope.  To find peace.  To know the acceptance of the One who wants me more than any other.  I want to know Him as the Strong Tower like David, the Protector like Daniel, the Redeemer like Paul.  I want to know Him for myself.

It is my sincerest desire to serve God and bless others in everything I do. What I often forget is that God wants to bless me. And He has been doing that a lot, especially where school is concerned.

Back when I was working a full time job and making significant more money I wasn't able to really take the nursing pre req classes that I needed either due to schedule conflicts or not having the extra money. Since I've not been working full time and making much less, God has seriously provided for me to take a nursing assistant class.

My lastest God thing was the physical and vaccines that I needed for school. All my vaccines are up to date, but I needed someone to sign off on them and thankfully I was able to get a friend, who's a physician's assistant (PA), to sign off on everything.

Everything except my Varicella, chickenpox, immunity.

I was going to have to either get the vaccine, which was too late to do because it's a 2 shot vaccine and I'm required to have both parts done before I start clinicals. Or get a titer, blood test, drawn to prove my immunity. The vaccine runs about $110-$160 and the titer is roughly $200. I didn't have the money for either, but I knew God would show me what to do.

It unexpectedly came through a co-worker and my job. Because I work at a hospital I have to have certain vaccines and immunity to certain diseases. Although I should've turned my vaccination records in to the hospital in January I never did, but talking to a co-worker she said I could get the titer done at the hospital in the name of work.

And I did!

I knew having had chickenpox as a kid I was immune, but the hospital did the bloodwork and got the paperwork back in time for me to submit it to the school without having to pay for a thing!!! I'm so excited! It's been 2 weeks since all this went down, but I'm still uber pumped about it. I love when things happen in a way that can only point to God:)

Praise God from whom all blessings flow!

I love how much Jesus loves me. So much so that He convicts me of the sin in my life in order to make me more like Him. Let's be honest, if anyone else came to me with that being the reason they addressed me, we'd have serious issues. But it's okay when it's Jesus:)

But boy, did He ever convict me yesterday. He brought my false humility, the self depreciation that goes along with that, the constant comparison with others, and the unhealthy level of interest in what others think about me to the fore. Oh yeah, He seriously busted me.

Although I want His thoughts of me to be the only ones I really desire, they aren't. As if this isn't bad enough, I often get down on myself because my perception of myself usually doesn't measure up to my perception of others. This quite frequently leaves me feeling like a failure and worthless. So He took me to task yesterday about how my perceptions are, first of all, not always accurate or even close to the truth. Second, they shouldn't be more important to me than His thoughts about me. And third, He loves me just the way I am and where I am so I need to relax.

My most constant feelings of failure and lack lie in my being single when I want to be married and not having a "real" career. And it was this line of thinking in which Jesus crashed through. Honestly though, this isn't the first time I've been convicted about this. It's just the first time I've slowed down enough to actually pay attention and allow the conviction and chastisement to sink in.

Acknowledging and accepting correction is never a fun thing. Good maybe, but never fun. And though I fully realize this constant assault on myself isn't healthy or Christ-like I'm not sure how to move away from it. I've used the self-depreciation as a shield around my heart and my desires for so long now, I'm not even sure what it would be like to not use it. Where's the line between guarding my heart and hiding myself from others?

Man, I'm so bad about having lots of thoughts in my head and just as many drafts started, but not finished or posted. It's sad really. I so hoped to be better with this blog than I was with the other. Here's to new beginnings, being more consistent, and blogging my thoughts straight.

Tomorrow.