The wanderlust is back. Actually it's been back for a while intertweaving itself between my conscious and subconscious thoughts. I'm ready for another adventure, to go somewhere. It's very tempting to go meet my family when my lease runs out at the end of next month. Or maybe DC. It's hands down my favorite city and I have a few friends in the area who would be great contacts/resources. Goodness knows I've already been looking.
I wonder what's next...
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Saturday, June 20, 2009
When my family moved back to Texas I knew I'd miss them, but I never thought the depth of missing them would be like this. I love my family. Always have. But in the last two years we've all grown closer than ever before. It's not always been fun or easy...there have been arguments, hurt feelings, anger, frustration. But there has also been lots of unconditional love, forgiveness, restoration, healing.
Quite honestly I never thought it could be this way. I spent a lot of my growing up years trying to distance myself from my family. God has recently been showing me the walls I've put up between me and my family, why they need to come down, and ways in which to do that. The openness and honesty I now share with my family, both of my parents, my brother, and sister-in-law, is amazing. My mom and I have had a pretty solid relationship since college, but it's gotten even better. I've made an effort to open up and share things with her and my dad that in the past I'd have kept to myself and it's amazing.
God loves community. And He put me in the midst of an awesome one. Unfortunately, I've neglected them for wanting what and who I thought was the perfect community. The older I get the more I realize that other than God there is no one in this universe more important than my family. I cannot even begin to express the gratitude and love I have for them, for their forgiveness.
I was talking to a friend and I was telling her how even though it was ridiculously short I was so grateful to see my parents last month. I'm so thankful that God put them in my life as a physical expression of His love for me. I can't even fully wrap my mind around how much my parents love me and their love is only a small drop in the bucket of how much God loves me and wants me. It hurts my heart to think I'm loved that much, to know Someone would literally die for me. Wow. May my life be an expression of gratitude and thankfulness for this amazing, undeserved gift.
Quite honestly I never thought it could be this way. I spent a lot of my growing up years trying to distance myself from my family. God has recently been showing me the walls I've put up between me and my family, why they need to come down, and ways in which to do that. The openness and honesty I now share with my family, both of my parents, my brother, and sister-in-law, is amazing. My mom and I have had a pretty solid relationship since college, but it's gotten even better. I've made an effort to open up and share things with her and my dad that in the past I'd have kept to myself and it's amazing.
God loves community. And He put me in the midst of an awesome one. Unfortunately, I've neglected them for wanting what and who I thought was the perfect community. The older I get the more I realize that other than God there is no one in this universe more important than my family. I cannot even begin to express the gratitude and love I have for them, for their forgiveness.
I was talking to a friend and I was telling her how even though it was ridiculously short I was so grateful to see my parents last month. I'm so thankful that God put them in my life as a physical expression of His love for me. I can't even fully wrap my mind around how much my parents love me and their love is only a small drop in the bucket of how much God loves me and wants me. It hurts my heart to think I'm loved that much, to know Someone would literally die for me. Wow. May my life be an expression of gratitude and thankfulness for this amazing, undeserved gift.
Saturday, June 6, 2009
Today was a pretty crappy day. Actually crappy doesn't even begin to really describe it. It was the kind of day where you look up to see the bottom. But even then I saw God's hand in my life. Not in the overabundance of blessing, life is ridiculously easy right now kinda way, but He was working all the same. Maybe I'll talk about it after I decompress and can look at things logically. Now is not that time. I've pretty much done nothing but cry the last 2 weeks. Life is stressful on all sides at the moment. But right now, I've washed off the makeup, pulled my hair up, I'm wearing my favorite sweat pants that are at least 2 sizes too big, eating a bowl of cinnamon toast crunch, and watching a movie. I am very happy right now. Happy indeed.
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
I got to see my parents this weekend. It wasn’t for long at all…maybe a hour tops. They were back in NC for a marriage retreat that they had paid for before they moved back to Texas. They really wanted to be at the retreat so they came back. After it was over I drove and met them before they had to get back on the road.
It was the most wonderful and the hardest hour of my life.
There is nothing more comforting or welcoming or safe than being wrapped up in my parents arms. I didn’t have to be strong or brave. I didn’t have to worry about bills or deadlines or errands. I got to be their little girl again. And as it has become my new MO, I cried like a baby.
And it was just what I needed.
I realized two things though. First, home really is where your heart is. Corny I know, but it doesn't matter where my parents live, how big of a house anyone has, what jobs we have, home is being with my family, in my parents arms. Even if it was just for a moment, my heart sighed. I was safe, protected, and at rest. Second, as wonderfully great as it was to see my parents, it made me realize, again, how much God loves me. In that moment of having to say goodbye to them again, for the second time in as many months actually, I understood heartache. The separation felt like it was going to be my demise. My separation from my parents was due to life...jobs, callings, responsibilities. Jesus' separation from His Father was through no fault of His own.
He had done nothing, but obey, love, and cherish others. In that moment, as He hung on the cross, He wanted to be with God, He wanted to not be alone. But He willingly took on that loneliness and pain so that I wouldn't have live with that I wouldn't have to bear that. That's some seriously intense love.
It was the most wonderful and the hardest hour of my life.
There is nothing more comforting or welcoming or safe than being wrapped up in my parents arms. I didn’t have to be strong or brave. I didn’t have to worry about bills or deadlines or errands. I got to be their little girl again. And as it has become my new MO, I cried like a baby.
And it was just what I needed.
I realized two things though. First, home really is where your heart is. Corny I know, but it doesn't matter where my parents live, how big of a house anyone has, what jobs we have, home is being with my family, in my parents arms. Even if it was just for a moment, my heart sighed. I was safe, protected, and at rest. Second, as wonderfully great as it was to see my parents, it made me realize, again, how much God loves me. In that moment of having to say goodbye to them again, for the second time in as many months actually, I understood heartache. The separation felt like it was going to be my demise. My separation from my parents was due to life...jobs, callings, responsibilities. Jesus' separation from His Father was through no fault of His own.
He had done nothing, but obey, love, and cherish others. In that moment, as He hung on the cross, He wanted to be with God, He wanted to not be alone. But He willingly took on that loneliness and pain so that I wouldn't have live with that I wouldn't have to bear that. That's some seriously intense love.
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