You've got to love, and by love I mean hate, an eye opening, life changing experience about and with God one day followed by a day from hell the next.  That was my day yesterday.

{photo credit: google.com images}

More specifically this was me yesterday.  But not nearly as glamorous or calm.  Or even secluded which I'd have loved.

My Jeep died.  In the turn lane at 3pm.  At the intersection of Glenwood Ave and Brier Creek Pkwy.  Easily the worst time and place EVER for a vehicle breakdown.  And if the fact of an unexpectedly broken down vehicle isn't stressful enough, let's add the inconsiderate idiots who honked, yelled, cursed, and flipped me off.  Because clearly breaking down was something I wanted to do!!!

I first called my roommate.  No answer.  Then I called my mom.  In Florida.  Not logical at all, but when I freak out she's always who I call.  She calmed me down enough to get me to realize there's nothing she can do and got me to call a friend.  Wonderful Lacey jumped right in her car and came to meet me.  She had the calmness about her to call the police which in turn got the yelling and profanity to stop.  I called a tow truck, but it was going to be a while (why does it take every tow truck at least an hour to get somewhere?) so the officer said we should wait in Lacey's car until it came.  We walked to Lacey's car and when she couldn't find her keys right away she thought she left them in my Jeep.  Unfortunately, I looked inside and realized they were in her ignition.  And the doors were locked.  And the car was on.

We literally and gently, I mean no one wants to add cement face burn to this horrendous day, threw ourselves onto the ground in front of Wild Wings Cafe.

So now we're waiting on AAA to open her car and the tow truck for my car.  Yay.

The policeman calls me to say he has some policeman friends coming and they're going to push my Jeep out of the way because of course by now it's after work and Brier Creek Pkwy is getting busier.  As I'm walking over I see a stopped car in the lane next to mine.  The driver's talking to the officer so I think he's offering to help.  Nope.  His car died.  Now 2 of 5 lanes on Brier Creek Pkwy are blocked by dead vehicles.

It's like I'm sucking people into a black hole of drama.

Thankfully the officers got both my Jeep and the other car pushed to the side of the road, traffic returns to its normal state after 2 hours of my Jeep camped in the middle of the turn lane, Lacey graciously sat with me, followed the tow truck to Raleigh to the shop, and then bought pizza, rented a movie, finished making the cookies I took her from, shared her wine, and let me come over.  Amazingly wonderful friend.  I owe her huge.

So now the Jeep is at the shop.  They will be running a diagnostic test on it today to figure out the problem.  I'm a mess worrying about how to pay for this.  I don't make much money...something I've been trying to change by looking for a new job, but so far no luck.  And now my worst fear has come true...needing money for something and not having it.

The me three days ago would lament why God would let this happen.  But I'm choosing to rejoice today.  For all I know, breaking down was God's way of not allowing the engine to blow up which would be a very costly repair/replacement.  I choose to rejoice that I wasn't physically hurt or in danger.  That I have supportive friends.  That He will never leave me or forsake.  I'm choosing to cling to the knowledge that He loves me beyond my understanding and will walk this out with me.  It's scary, yes.  But I'm choosing to look to Him and not the problem.  Easier said than done when I have to be to work tonight...and plans this weekend...and work next week, but I'm just going to take it one step at a time.  Right now, pray.  Later, talk to the repair shop.  Then, work.

I feel like my life sucks.  It's hard when things are a constant struggle...especially when it seems others don't struggle nearly as much as I do.  But I'm choosing to keep my eyes on Him today.  I'll pray that you'll be able to do the same...but only if you'll pray for a large windfall of money for me!

Also, if you know of a mechanic who might want a new friend let me know...I'll happily barter baked goods for car help when needed:)

What is God's heart towards me?

This is a question my heart has cried for longer than I care to admit.  And then I read this piece by Danish philosopher Søren Kierkegaard.  Laying aside the fact that I cry easily, which I did while reading this, I can whole heartedly say this has changed my life.

Suppose there was a king who loved a humble maiden. The king was like no other king. Every statesman trembled before his power. No one dared breathe a word against him, for he had the strength to crush all opponents.

And yet this mighty king was melted by love for a humble maiden who lived in a poor village in his kingdom. How could he declare his love for her? In an odd sort of way, his kingliness tied his hands. If he brought her to the palace and crowned her head with jewels and clothed her body in royal robes, she would surely not resist-no one dared resist him. But would she love him?

She would say she loved him, of course, but would she truly? Or would she live with him in fear, nursing a private grief for the life she had left behind? Would she be happy at his side? How could he know for sure? If he rode to her forest cottage in his royal carriage, with an armed escort waving bright banners, that too would overwhelm her. He did not want a cringing subject. He wanted a lover, an equal. He wanted her to forget that he was a king and she a humble maiden and to let shared love cross the gulf between them. For it is only in love that the unequal can be made equal.

The king, convinced he could not elevate the maiden without crushing her freedom, resolved to descend to her. Clothed as a beggar, he approached her cottage with a worn cloak fluttering loose about him. This was not just a disguise – the king took on a totally new identity – He had renounced his throne to declare his love and to win hers.

Such a beautiful picture of what He feels for us!