I'm gonna be brutally honest here.

At the beginning of the month, as it was New Year's, we had a lot of interns and residents working because our attendings had the holidays off.  Although all doctors are somewhat odd and interns especially, we had already determined one of the interns was decidedly a fruitcake.  Girl was just plain strange, but we only had to deal with her for a couple of more days.

And then she pissed me off.  Most noticeably was her tone of voice and how she talked to me like I was an errant child.

So I did the only logical thing.

I came home and took several online IQ tests.

So when i said logical i meant logical in the angry-I-wanna-get-even-with-that-heifer kinda way.

It seems that I have an above average IQ.  Heck, I got an 80 on the Mensa test.  Truthfully, I never doubted my intelligence, but I had elaborate fantasies about telling her exactly what I thought of her and how I would be able to work my above average IQ, which of course would be above her IQ as well, into my justified tirade.

Oh, the life and thought processes of this sinful creature.

I've casually been thinking of a good and solid New Year's resolutions for this year and I've finally figured it out.  Well, at least one.  Tonight we celebrated both of my roommates birthdays...one is one the 8th and the other is on the 10th.  It was an amazing party!  Lots of fun had by all with great decorations, food, and location.  All around an amazingly awesome time!  But anyway.  As I enjoyed the evening, watched them enjoy the evening and then later as we were looking at pictures when we got home, I was just so very grateful to God putting them in my life.  I LOVE these girls!  They know me and have walked with me through some very difficult situations.  They've been supportive, compassionate, and honest.  We aren't always crazy by the things each other does, but I always love them.  Tonight was another of those times where I was reminded of how much I love them tonight.  And how often I keep that to myself.

So that's my resolution for this year.  I resolve to be more vocal in my love, support, and accountability of others, to write more cards and letters to let others know how vital and inspirational they are, to challenge and sharpen a sister or brother, to be an encouragement in good times and bad, to give of my time and resources rather than constantly run to and fro, to allow God to minister to His children through me.  I thrive in situations where I'm given verbal feedback yet I rarely respond in like manner.  This year I will give what I often crave rather than take from another.  Not for myself, my ego, or to feel good about what I've done, but for that person who also desires the affirmation of a job well done, who wants to know someone is on their side.

To give unselfishly
to love the least of these
Jesus I'm learning how to live with open hands
All these treasures that I own
will never satisfy my soul
Jesus I lay them at your throne with open hands

I lift my hands open wide
let the whole world see
how you love, how you died, how you set me free
free at last, I surrender all I am with open hands, with open hands

To finally let go of my plans
these earthly kingdoms built of sand
Jesus at your cross I stand with open hands

You took the nails, You bore the crown
You hung your head, Your love poured out
You took my place, You paid the price
so Jesus now I will give my life

Last month I went into a patient's room for some random reason and saw she had a book titled "This I Believe: The Personal Philosophies of Remarkable Men and Women" sitting on her table.  It looked interesting so I snapped a picture of the book front (make no mistake...I took a picture of the book not the patient...no HIPPA violations here!) and borrowed it from the library.  It's been an amazing read!  The book is based on a NPR radio series that originally aired in 1950.  It's a collection of short essays from people you've heard of to some you'll never hear of, but amazing all.  Each person was asked to think about and explain what they believe, what has brought them to their current personal beliefs in life.  The essayists are extremely diverse in their beliefs, but what I adore is that they don't just write about religious beliefs or laws or whatever.  Their writings "reveal the American spirit."  They believe in love, family, pride, adoption, God, the lack of God, equality.  It humbles me as I catch these glimpses into the lives of others and hear their stories and the experiences that have led them to their current beliefs.

I'm still in the midst of the book, but it, as well as the fact that I'm just days into a new year, naturally led me to consider this for myself.  Not in a religious beliefs sort of way because I'm firmly planted in my Christian faith, but as I see what other people stand for/believe in/represent to others it made me question my life.  Added to that, I was watching tv and one character called another a "side part and curl under" kinda girl.  She was referring to those women whose hair is parted on the side and curled under because they just want to get by without much attention or making waves in life.  They're too afraid to take a risk...so afraid they won't even take risks to stand out with something as menial as hair.  (I write this blog for myself, but I realize others read it as well.  Which is why I feel the need to clarify something here for the readers who aren't African American (AA) women.  I'm well aware that hair is definitely more important than "menial" to women...especially AA women.  Books and songs and essays have been written, and much better than I shall ever do, on the topic of hair and the AA woman.  However, that isn't the point at the moment and as such hair is being labeled "menial" for the purpose of the bigger picture.)

And so I wonder.  In what ways have I kept the status quo simply for the sake of not making others uncomfortable?  Or putting myself in a place that makes me nervous or fearful?  What do I believe?  In what areas am I a "side part and curl under" girl?  Because I know I am literally and figuratively.

Maybe it's simply the newness of the year, but I can't help but be excited about 2011.  I truly feel like God has a huge things planned for me.  Already I've been faced with some huge future decisions that may come to fruition in the next few months and I'm way excited about it!  Change isn't always easy or fun.  No doubt I will be required to give up some things and some people that I love, but I don't want to forever be a "side part and curl under" kinda person.  I want to explore and live and discover.  I want to see and know what's out there.  I want to experience and fully embrace what He has in store for me.

I want to know what I believe.