This had been a long time in coming.  And I finally feel ready to write out these feelings.  I've never understood how or why people feel guilty about something out of their control.  As I saw it, if you weren't directly involved and couldn't affect the outcome, how could you feel guilty about something you didn't do?

The death of my patient felt me with these same feelings that I couldn't understand or fully express.  I don't know exactly why as I had nothing to do with her surgery or even any serious amounts of care.  Yet, I was left feeling like there was more I could've done to make her stay more enjoyable or gotten to know her family better or done more for her kids.  I was haunted by these thoughts for days and days.  I could barely function without crying from the intense grief I felt over the lost of this wonderful life.

I thought going to the funeral service would help bring closure, but it just served to show how much more wonderful she was than what I already knew.  Her family and friends thanked us for the care we gave her.  If they only knew how deeply she touched our lives, my life.  I can't even begin to understand why God chose to allow their lives to take this path.  If I had my way, she'd be home celebrating a successful surgery and renewed life with her family.  But His ways aren't my ways.  And I rest in the knowledge that she knew that as well.

The following is from a book of prayers we, the staff, were given by the hospitals grief counselors.  It embodies lifestyle this wonderful woman exhibited to us each and every day.  I will never forget the impact you made on my life.  I will remember to always just breathe...

Wondrous Lord,

You are all I want,

all I have,

all I seek.

I give myself

into Your hands,

trusting that

You know what is best

for me

and will bring me to that place

where You are all in all. Amen.

Meister Eckhart