I've been a Christian for more than 20 years now (side note: I'm noticing how often I'm legitimately saying something happened more than 20 years ago and it's kinda freakin' me out).  That said, (how long I've been a Christian not how long I've been alive) you'd think I'd have better control of my fears and emotions.  But alas, I'm most often a churning sea of insecurity and self doubt.

And nothing brings them out more than late nights laying in bed.  Sometimes I fall asleep with seconds of hitting the pillow, but as I'm coming off working nights my sleep schedule gets messed up and I oversleep when I should be awake and I'm awake when I should be sleeping...like now.  Hence the post.

Most often I fear I won't do anything with my life.  I adore being Tia, aunt in Spanish, to my nephew and nieces and I think I'm pretty dang good at it, but that's not what I want the sum success of my life to be.  Sure, I went to a really good school and got a great education (read expensive), but am I using that degree?  Was it really worth it?  Am I doing justice to the professors who poured into my life?  To the legacy of what the college stood for?  Did I set myself up for failure in wanting to go to grad school for a medical career?  Is it time to hang it up and find something more in line with where I am now, not where I think I want to be?  And where do I want to be?

These are the thoughts that plague my nights.  These and the blasted kids upstairs who think running and jumping at 1233am is okay and the crackhead parents who let them.

What's worse, these aren't even my most horrible fears.  The most repetitive fear I have is that God hasn't blessed this or that area of my life because of something I did or didn't do.  I know, I know.  A Christian for 20+ years and I think works have something to do with God's hand on my life?  Shocking I know.  But sometimes it's hard to get the heart to line up with and accept what the head knows, you know?

Truthfully, I don't think I have to earn God's favor or promises, but as several areas of life aren't anywhere near where I thought I'd be, I have to wonder what's the hold up?  I don't think God's making me live this half fulfilled life until I figure out what He wants, but I would like to know why certain things haven't happened yet.  Are their missed opportunities I did/didn't take advantage of and so I'm living out the consequences of those actions?  Am I perpetually making the wrong choices?  Am I completely missing Him so often and so much that this is where it's left me?