This is life. Or something like it. I think.

Life is hard.  And as a Christian it often doesn't make much sense.

And I'm learning to be okay with that.  I'm a "free spirit" if you will when it comes to the stuff that doesn't matter very much (where to eat, jumping off waterfalls or jump off anything for that matter, breaking rules), but when it's important I'm very much a play by the rules, cross all my t's and dot all my i's kinda girl.  So walking by faith doesn't come very easily for me.  I need to know what is expected of me and how I'm expected to get it done.  Otherwise I stress to the point of grinding my teeth at night and biting my fingernails so short I bleed.  Seriously.  And I'm guessing that not what Jesus intended when He called us to walk by faith.

These feelings often leave me feeling isolated.  In my head I know I can't be the only person with these questions, but because everyone, myself included, does such  a great job of keeping their insecurities and failures a secret, people are often left feeling all alone.  Steven Furtick, speaking about insecurity, said it best when he said, "one reason we struggle with insecurity: we're comparing our behind the scenes to everyone else's highlight reel."

And it's so true!  Sure, this place in life, which I'll blog about tomorrow-ish, is uncomfortable and completely unexpected, but would I be as upset about it if I weren't comparing myself to those who own their homes, have jobs that don't involve wiping butt, drive vehicles that are more stylish, or have skinnier bodies?  I would warrant to guess probably not.

What would life look like if we/I embraced the struggles and decided to not only not run from them, but share them with others?  To embrace and work through the pain rather than dull it with electronics, food, friends, busyness?  If instead of getting down on myself I held tighter to God's promises instead of my short sighted delusions of what is?

In no uncertain terms, God said, "My thoughts are completely different from yours, And my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine." (Isaiah 55:8 NLT)  So while I'm imagining an upward moving career, 401(K), and benefits, what if He's imagining someone who can live anywhere and on very little because He has plans of my starting a business or running a non-profit or going back to school?  How I would hate to settle for a "good job" when He wanted to give me my heart's deepest desires!

Abba, may I never again question Your plan.  Forgive me for doubting; forgive my wavering and sinful heart.  Just as You were there when Peter's faithlessness caused him to sink in the water, I know You are here with me in the midst of this scary situation.  This day, I once again choose to take up my cross and follow You irregardless of the costs to my life, my belongings, my reputation.  I want You more than I want this world and anything in it. Just as the father of the tormented boy cried out, I cry out, "I do believe, but help me not to doubt!"  May you use this sinful vessel as a tool to reflect your glory and grace.  I bow before You and ask that you continue to mold me and make me into your vessel.  In Jesus' Name.  Amen.

Does anyone else ever wonder if God knows what's going on?  If He really has a plan ahead of time?

I don't mean to sound blasphemous or heretical.  Don't get me wrong, I fully believe God knew/knows every day of my life long before I was a thought in anyone's head.  But sometimes I look at my life and I feel like it's a cosmic joke.  Did He forget about me?  Is all this really what He had/has planned for me?  It just doesn't make any sense sometimes.  Literally, God asked me to follow Him in some decisions so with some sadness, but willingness I did.  And now that I have and have even been looking at ways to further embrace this new life, He says. "Okay, back as you were."

Don't hear ungratefulness because when I get over the shock this will be a much appreciated new path.  But why?  What did these changes accomplish?  Couldn't they have been accomplished without all the pomp and circumstance?  I guess the bottom line is that I don't feel like I see all that was accomplished.  Or maybe I do and I'm underestimating His desire to help me.

Being a new, bolder me sounds great in theory.  In actuality it's scary as hell.

I'm not gonna go into it right now.  If you're one of the 3 people reading this (counting myself) you know somewhat of what's been going on in my life.  And it has actually has gotten more dramatic this week.  I wish I could not be the hot mess that I am and just live life with no drama.

But unfortunately that is not the case.

And I'll be very open and allow you to see how much of a hot mess I am.

My roommate Katie has gotten free ProActiv for the last 4 years.  It's like they stalk her.  Seriously.  When she's moved apartments it still shows up.  And not with the yellow post office tags saying they got the notice saying she moved.  It just comes straight to our house.  I seriously think they post people in the bushes because there is no simply no other way for them to know where she lives 4 years after cancelling her ProActiv subscription.    Oh, did I not mention that  part!?!  Her mom ordered it for her and then cancelled it at Katie's request because it was coming too fast for her to use it up.  So her mom cancelled the membership yet Katie gets a new box every 3 months.  Without paying for them.  It's usually pretty funny because depending on where I am when they come, and I often set them in strategic places because it makes her so angry, I can hear the cussing.  Quite funny!  For me anyway. :)

But it got a whole lot less funny when I used a box I found in our house.  Yes, I found it.  They usually get shoved in random places.  Anyway, this particular Tuesday night I used the ProActiv to wash my face around 11pm and then went to bed.  When I woke up my eyes were swollen.  Not horribly bad, but enough that I didn't want to leave the house.  My dad said it looked like I had bad botox. :/  So I stayed home all day.  Around 2pm, I got out of the shower and realized my eyes were getting worse so I took a Benadryl, know I normally have to take Walmart brand allergy pills because one Benadryl will knock me out all day.  As I was walking back to blow dry my hair my mom walked in and was shocked by "how bad your face looks!"  She asked if I needed to go to urgent care.  I brushed it off and said I'd taken a Benadryl and should be fine.  She made me take another one and I went to blow dry my hair.

As I was blow drying, I realized I was seeing less and less.  And from what little I could see, I saw my neck was also starting to swell and turn red.  So I went back into the kitchen to tell my mom as soon as I finished drying my hair, vain I know, but you don't know how big my hair gets when it air dries, I needed her to take me to urgent care.  She turned around because I started talking as soon as I got around the corner and physically jumped.  My face had swollen ridiculous amounts in the 20 minutes since taking the Benadryl.  It was very unpleasant to say the least.

So she took me to urgent care.  That fun little trip involved the doctor telling me I looked Chinese because of my little eyes.  Please don't make jokes when my face looks like this!  I ended up having taken 2 Benadryl at home, a Benadryl shot "on steroids", and an actual steroid.  And then a prescription for an anti-histamine and a z pak of steroids.  After all those meds my body finally started reacting to them and my dad practically carried me in the house.  They, my parents, said I just kept saying my arms and legs were too heavy to move.  I ended up looking like Sloth from "The Goonies" for about 2 days before my eyes and neck returned to normal size.

Lesson Learned: Don't use ProActiv and don't tease your roommate about all the free ProActiv she gets.  The payback is no bueno.  Just take a look.

This wasn't even the worse of it.  I could still somewhat see here.  It got worse and I looked more and more like Sloth or a sharpei puppy as the day went on.  Yikes.

Truf

Lacey's post inspired me so here goes.  Please don't judge my weirdness.

1. I like black coffee, beer, and I legitimately like and understand football.  I think this will one day make me a great catch for some guy.
2. I once punched out my brother's front tooth.  We were playing with boxing gloves in the store and I guess I was closer than I thought.  Oops.
3. I've gone to the dark side.  I wear leggings as pants.  But only with long shirts!  Don't judge.
4. I skinny dipped in my Christian college's pool.  Multiple times.
5. I willingly wore overalls in high school.  And thought I was cute.
6. I get the colors pink and yellow confused.  My friends knowingly try to confuse me for fun.
7. When I eat at Chick-fil-a, after I pull the wrapper off the bbq sauce I have to lick it and stick it to the bag.
8. I once beat up a girl. But I only hit her in the torso so no one would see bruises. Yikes :/
9. I love to study and learn about the human body.  But I HATE man thigh.  Blech.
10. My brother has given me two black eyes.  One time we were wrestling and the other when we were throwing a chain ( I know, why?) back and forth and I missed it.
11. I have a tattoo and I want another.  But I'm going to wait until after (if?) I get married so I don't have to try and cover it up for the wedding.  I'm kinda vain like that.
12. I snuggle with a stuffed animal when I sleep.  It's a duck and his name is Quack.
13. I decorate the house when I get stressed.
14. I secretly want to be a craft genius who makes it big one day.
15. I also secretly want to be an amazing photographer.
16. I grind my teeth when I sleep.  From what I'm told it's unpleasant to hear.
17. I didn't start having acne until I got into my 20s.  It sucks.
18. If given the opportunity, I think I would eat everything with chopsticks.
19. Without fail I always register for Publisher's Clearing House.  You never when it's your year!
20. When I was little, I always wanted braces.  Blast you straight teeth!!!
21. I find men who drive trucks extremely hot.  I'm a Texas girl through and through.
22. My brother and I had pet chickens when we were little.  In an apartment.  In Dallas.
23. I've never dated a black guy.  Weird, right!?!

Twenty three oddities for your reading pleasure on the twenty third!  Remember, you aren't judging me!

I'm an awkward kid.  I know that.  I've even learned to embrace it.  But I normally try to at least keep it a secret from strangers.  I failed at it this week.  And not just any kind of fail, but an epic, awkward, totes inapprops failure.  Here's how it went:

I had just bought some food in the hospital cafeteria and how gone to the 6th floor to buy a Mtn. Dew...they're cheaper to get from the machines than the cafeteria.  There was a housekeeping guy nearby who I smiled at, but didn't really pay much attention to beyond that.  You also should know that I have a bad habit of putting things...cell phone, keys, pens...in my mouth as if it's an extra pocket or something.  Also, I tend to say things that make sense in my head, but come out sounding like sexual innuendos.  This particular evening I was holding a dollar bill in my mouth, gross I know, while I fished the quarter out of my pocket.

Man: "You shouldn't put that dollar in your mouth.  Don't you know how dirty those things are!?!"

Me: "Yeah, I know.  But it's not the worse thing I've put in my mouth."

**Awkward silence as he tries to decide if I'm coming on to him, that much of a whore, or stupid.**

Me: "Um, I mean, I have a bad habit of putting my keys in my mouth so...yeah."

Man just stared at me.  He picked up on my awkwardness, gave me a confident "I'm the king of the world" look, and sauntered away.  Where was the giant hole to swallow me up when I needed it!?!

And this is why I don't usually talk to strangers.

Okay, so I know the picture is old.  But it goes with my theme so bear with me.

I don't like resolutions.  I don't like the temporal and expected feeling of inevitable failure.  But I do like taking time to reflect on my past and my future.  I want to look back and see my missteps and my successes and learn from them.  I want to grow spiritually, relationally, professionally; and a good way of doing that is seeing where I didn't, where I could have and learning from that and making sure my future doesn't include those same mistakes.  I also look to see where I did well and how I can build on those successes.

Now, don't get me wrong, in no way do I believe in allowing your past to dictate your future.  There are too many stories of people overcoming their mistakes and then going on to be hugely successful to believe that.  But a big part of their eventual success was knowing what didn't work and moving on from there...and you only know that by taking the time to examine those errors.

That said, instead of resolutions, I've decided to give this year action words of what I hope and desire 2012 will look like.

Involved: When I get overwhelmed, I tend to fall into an apathetic attitude about what I'm struggling with.  I'm determined to remain involved in all areas of life...spiritually, financially, professionally, relationally.  I'm not running from conflict anymore.

Active: When I fall in the aforementioned apathy, I lose the desire to be active.  This year is the year of getting back to being outside, getting involved with sports again, and treating my body as I should.

Courageous: Because I'm so afraid of failing, I often don't take risks.  It's a sad way to live life trying to always remain safe.  I know God created me for a reason and that reason isn't to remain on the sidelines so this year I'm taking risks.  I mean, my favorite scripture verse is Joshua 1:9, which says, "Have I not commanded you?  Be strong and courageous.  Do not be afraid, do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go."

And so I'm choosing to go be involved, active, and courageous this year.  I'm going to be the new, bolder me in 2012!

It's a new year.  Wow.  I can't believe 2012 is already here.

As I get closer to my 30th birthday, it's next year, I've decided I want to make a Bucket List that will be titled  "30 Before 30".  I've not gotten very far.  I mean this idea hasn't moved beyond wanting to do it...I've still yet to sit down and actually think about it and write it out.  But I do know one thing that will be on the list.

I want to complete a race.  A half marathon to be exact.  Which is convenient because as of Thursday, December 29, I took the plunge. And by "took the plunge" I mean I was shoved in, but it's official either way.

I'm registered for a half marathon in April.  And yes, when I say a half marathon I mean running for 13.1 miles...consecutively. WHAT!?!

Anyone who knows me knows I don't run much past 3 miles.  Sure, I've often thought about how awesome it would be to push myself mentally and physically to complete an actual race...and how awesome I'd feel being apart of the cool club with a 13.1 magnet on the back of my Jeep (true story).  But I've never actually even looked into it much less really considered signing up.

That time of dreaming of the magnet has ended.  I will, in 13 short weeks, complete a half marathon...amd buy myself the magnet.  I'm hoping somewhere along the way become an avid runner who just hasn't reached her full potential until now.  I'm not holding my breath though.  At best I'm hoping to lose a couple of pounds and inches, get more muscle definition, prove to myself that I can push through anything with hard work, sacrifice, and dedication, and transform myself from this

to this

Here's to determination, strength, facing fears, and a sense of accomplishment in 2012!