Ever had to have a DTR...with someone you aren't interested in!?!

Unfortunately, I'm about to have to do just that.  I swear I get myself in the weirdest situations.

Because it was so unexpected and super awkward I stupidly gave my cell number to a patient.  It's bad enough that I thought he was 20 years old (far too young for us to be talking about ANYthing), but I realized he's actually 24 and since I look like I'm 23 or 24 I think he thinks this might be something.  Even though he has a girlfriend.  And actually said he'd have to hide my number from her.

WHAT!?!  How do these things happen to me!?!  I don't do drama and somehow found myself right in the middle of it.

I wouldn't think anything about it if I hadn't given him my number on Monday night and by Tuesday night he had called me.  Twice.  One of which was at 9pm.  I wasn't asleep or anything...I was actually out...but you don't call a woman with whom you have no relationship with at 9pm.  And you especially don't call her at 11pm!  Which he did tonight.  Curses.

For someone who hates awkward situations I seem to find myself in quite a few humdingers of colossal awkward.  Oh, I hope he just stops calling me...

So I'm cleaning out the virtual closet of all the draft posts I've started about what's been going on in life, but haven't finished.  I'm compiling thoughts and photos to this one post.  It's kinda like my version of a news stations' "around the world in 60 seconds" headline recap.

April 29th. Swoon-worthy. Prince William got married in what can only be described as a fairy tale wedding...at least from the outside anyway. A friend's mom said she still had fond memories of watching the wedding of Charles and Diana with her girlfriends, so we decided to do the same. Although none of us was brave/crazy enough to get up at 3am to watch the wedding, we got together the following Sunday night and had a good ol' fashioned girls night of wedding watching, talking about boys, eating junk food, being silly, and talking about boys. Great night! I will definitely treasure those memories:)

May 1st.  Historical.  Osama bin Laden, the leading force behind the World Trade Center attacks, was found and killed.  As an American who mourned with the rest of the country and world at the mindless deaths of so many brave and innocent people, I was relieved.  Those victims and their families deserved some closure and justice.  But I'm trying to constantly remind myself of the difference between what anyone actually deserves (in light of the Gospel) versus what we think we need/deserve and I found myself praying.

I prayed for the innocent children who were at the compound when the troops can bursting in...I'm sure they were probably scared and confused.  For the wife, who irregardless of her beliefs, tried to protect her husband.  I prayed that, even though I think it seems beyond the realm of possibility, that those people would come to know a God who doesn't promote death and destruction, a God of love, a God who gave Himself for them.

The President and his officials watching the raid.

June 14th.  Wow.  The secret anniversary of my 25th birthday.  It's not that year 25 was so special, but I've simply chosen to remain 25 forever.  I'm kinda like a Lost Boy in that.  It was a nice birthday...I did a little shopping, treated myself to some Starbucks, took a nap, you know the usual raucous birthday celebrations:)  Over the weekend we hit up the beach with some of my favorite people and ended the weekend with me cooking spaghetti for dinner.  I also made my favorite cake...yellow cake with chocolate icing.  In all honesty, it was the ugliest cake I've ever seen.  It kept falling apart as I'd put the icing on it.  So I'd eat that piece and try to add more icing.  As you can guess I ended with some ugly chunks out of the cake.  But it tasted great and I didn't care!

June 25th. Amazing. We went to the Benefit Ball which was raising money for a couple from Summit who will be adopting from Ethiopia. Crazy fun night of dancing with friends! Can't wait until next year!

Hotness.

July 4th. Wonderful. We went to the lake for the long weekend. Lots of eating, playing games, laying around, floating in the lake, and tons of pictures. It was greatness personified. And I mean, look at this amazing group of people...you wish you could be this awesome:) Yay for weekends away with friends!

Gerald had a Eurotrash party to kick off his vaca to Europe. There are more pictures that I'd like to post, but just don't have the room for. Just know it was E.P.I.C. I had a Cheetah Girls skirt that was legitimately a kids, but fit. The top was denim with an embroidered flower and tiered ruffles of leopard print and lace. The ugliest thing EVER created...and I loved it! It will be appearing at some costume party in my future!

The group post dancing.  It was hot as heck in the club hence all the sweat, Billy's transparent shirt, and my giant hair.



Two of my favorite guys:)



Please see the epicness of this skirt.  Thank you Durham Rescue Mission thrift store for helping make this the most awesome party outfit ever!

This last recap brings us to our most recent outing...camping at Pilot Mtn.  I will admit to not being the happiest of campers because of how blazing hot it was...I only slept for about an hour the first night because I was so miserable.  But we hiked, ate, played A LOT of Nerts (my newest favorite game), sweated obscene amounts, bonded with friends, had a couple of serious convos, and had an all around good time.

The group at the top of the mountain.

Owling.  We are equal opportunity fad followers.  But only the cool fads.



Like multi-level planking.

And flamingo-ing.  Yep, we made it up.  And it's gonna go global.




{photo credit to weheartit.com}

  
Sunday Perfection...

is lunch after church,

laying by the pool with friends,

going to dinner smelling like chlorine, sunblock, and sunlight,

getting some wonderful fro yo at Yo Mo,

heading back to the house to put on sweats, turning the a/c low, getting lots of blankets and pillows, everyone scouting out places on the floor and couches, and watching a movie.

This has been my Sunday ritual, so dubbed THE Tradition, for the last 3 out of 4 Sundays.  And only 3 because that fourth Sunday we were at the lake doing this for 4 days straight!  It's a great way to wrap up a weekend/start a new week.  So blessed to serve a God who appreciates rest, to live in a free country, and to have friends who let me be me...all ridiculously hyper, color confused, always ready to eat me.

I've been a Christian for more than 20 years now (side note: I'm noticing how often I'm legitimately saying something happened more than 20 years ago and it's kinda freakin' me out).  That said, (how long I've been a Christian not how long I've been alive) you'd think I'd have better control of my fears and emotions.  But alas, I'm most often a churning sea of insecurity and self doubt.

And nothing brings them out more than late nights laying in bed.  Sometimes I fall asleep with seconds of hitting the pillow, but as I'm coming off working nights my sleep schedule gets messed up and I oversleep when I should be awake and I'm awake when I should be sleeping...like now.  Hence the post.

Most often I fear I won't do anything with my life.  I adore being Tia, aunt in Spanish, to my nephew and nieces and I think I'm pretty dang good at it, but that's not what I want the sum success of my life to be.  Sure, I went to a really good school and got a great education (read expensive), but am I using that degree?  Was it really worth it?  Am I doing justice to the professors who poured into my life?  To the legacy of what the college stood for?  Did I set myself up for failure in wanting to go to grad school for a medical career?  Is it time to hang it up and find something more in line with where I am now, not where I think I want to be?  And where do I want to be?

These are the thoughts that plague my nights.  These and the blasted kids upstairs who think running and jumping at 1233am is okay and the crackhead parents who let them.

What's worse, these aren't even my most horrible fears.  The most repetitive fear I have is that God hasn't blessed this or that area of my life because of something I did or didn't do.  I know, I know.  A Christian for 20+ years and I think works have something to do with God's hand on my life?  Shocking I know.  But sometimes it's hard to get the heart to line up with and accept what the head knows, you know?

Truthfully, I don't think I have to earn God's favor or promises, but as several areas of life aren't anywhere near where I thought I'd be, I have to wonder what's the hold up?  I don't think God's making me live this half fulfilled life until I figure out what He wants, but I would like to know why certain things haven't happened yet.  Are their missed opportunities I did/didn't take advantage of and so I'm living out the consequences of those actions?  Am I perpetually making the wrong choices?  Am I completely missing Him so often and so much that this is where it's left me?

Of late, I've been thinking on direction, ambition, purpose, fulfillment and other such weighty topics a lot.  Not that I've come to any conclusions on ANYTHING, but I've been thinking.

And then I came across this verse this afternoon.

"For I have a great sense of obligation to people in our culture and to people in other cultures, to the educated and uneducated alike.  So I am eager to come to you in Rome, too, to preach God's Good News." Romans 1:14-15

It challenged and saddened me.  Unlike Paul, I don't have this passionate hunger for anything...not even Jesus.  Without question I love the Lord and strive to honor Him with my life.  But do I have a sense of obligation and am I eager to share Him with others?  Am I eager to go to work?  Is there an attitude of intentionality of making Him known and serving others when I get there?  Not so much.

Again, no answers, but I'm wondering what needs to change and how to go about making said changes in order to get my heart and life to a place of eagerness...in life, in relationships, in sharing Him.  I've lost my zeal.  Like many others, I graduated college with big plans and decisive opinions.  Thankfully, some of those ideas were politely squelched, others not so politely.  But in being tempered and growing in experience and wisdom, it seems I've lost the fire.

But there is hope.  If Paul can be imprisoned, beaten, starved, shipwrecked, bitten by a snake, and the many other calamities weren't recorded but I know he had to have endured and still have fight in him, I'm sure I can find it in myself.

So here's to mistakes, fears, and failures.  May they always keep me close to His side and not deter me from living the life I was created to live.  Amen and amen!

Before I get back to my randomness of the last post, I wanted to put these pictures up.  These are women I met in college and we were pretty inseparable for quite a while.  Friendships ebb and flow, but I was reminded this weekend, the weekend of Ashley's wedding, how much I will always love these women.  I have loved them since they uninvitedly marched into my dorm room second semester of freshman year, while I was in nothing but a towel no less, and made me one of their own.  We are 8 years, 3 states, 2 marriages, and 3 children beyond this first photo, but I still and will always love them.  Congratulations Ashley and Jeff!

December 2003

May 2011

 

I feel like such a bad blogger because it's usually so long between posts.  In actuality, I have several different drafts saved, but if I don't feel inspired with my writing they just stay saved and never published.  Maybe one of these days I'll get around to finishing some of them :P

I was reading this blog today by my friend Lori.  (Sweet girl who pretty much keeps me laughing whenever I'm around her with her randomness.)  Anyway, I was challenged by her honesty and transparency in her post about how we're all like leftovers...yes, as in food.  I thought it was a brilliant analogy, but that might be due to my erratic thought process that swings from food to relationships to theology and back to food in a matter of minutes.  But like I said, I liked her openness.

I tend to be a people pleaser.  I don't like to know peoople are upset with me.  In my head I know I can't please everyone, but it's hard for my heart to accept that.  Most often, I wrap myself in an armor of bravado in hopes it comes across as actual courage when in actuality I'm racked with insecurity and fear.  I give the opinions of others far too much freedom in my life, my thoughts.  So much so, I'll sometimes do or not do something because of what someone has said.  It's sad really.  I know it, I just can't seem to break from it.  And I see it in lots of areas of my life...my clothes, my music, my hair, my decorating...it's all middle of the line and blah.  Trying to maintain what I think is status quo sucks.

And it's a stressful life.

Trying to not fail and please everyone wears you out.  One, because failure is apart of life.  We aren't born perfect nor do we ever attain perfection so at some point we will fail.  Trying to stave off the inevitable is just a lot of unnecessary work.  Two, it's often through failure and tough times we learn and grow the most.

I'm reminded of something I once heard about Robert Kiyosaki, author of Rich Dad, Poor Dad.  Kiyosaki has said if it wasn't for having declared bankruptcy TWICE he'd never have made it as far as he has.  Regardless of what anyone thinks about his books or philosophy, the man retired at 47 years old.  Um, winning.  It was his failures that taught him best how to run and not run a business.  Yet the thought of failing, especially publicly, shakes me to my core.  But on the other hand I really want the freedom to tell people to keep it to themselves.  Just because you think that's the best way to handle something doesn't give you the right to talk to me about it as if that's the only way to deal with a situation.

Is there a way to say that nicely?