More Specks and Planks

I came back like I promised!

Through everything that happened with S, acknowledging and verbalizing what I was feeling, owning up to my faults, repenting and seeking forgiveness, etc. my personal life has also been changed and for the better. Through this wonderfully painful process Matthew 7:1-5 has been running through my head (hence the title of these blog posts).

"Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye." (emphasis mine)

I'm guilty of being that person who says something that I shouldn't, but follow it up with "so let's be praying for him/her" as if that absolves me of the sin of gossip. Or use my frustrations as a way to gossip and then ask for advice about how to deal with him/her and think that makes it permissible. It doesn't. It's nothing more than pettiness, slander, gossip, and insecurity on my part. And as Jesus has been calling me out and illuminating several things in my life, He also pointed to this.

Society says this addressing of more sin, laying myself bear before another is unfortunate or shows weakness, but I don't see it that way at all! I truly truly rejoice in this! I mean, let's be honest, I don't rejoice EVERY time Jesus points out sin, but this time it had such a wonderful resolution! And by uncovering the sin I'm growing closer to Him and more like Him and in this case closer to another.

Long story short, I sat down with AC, random initials that don't actually have anything to do with this person's name, and apologized for some serious ugliness in me that has been directed at them. Side note: My parents always taught us to be specific in our prayers and apologies. They believed just saying sorry doesn't address what you're apologizing for and can invalidate another's feelings if they feel you're just throwing around the words "I'm sorry". So as I sat there somewhat afraid this person would hate me for the extreme ugliness I've displayed, I laid out various attitudes and situations for which I was apologizing. I can tell you it wasn't fun. Seeing and acknowledging your sin is hard enough, especially in an age when everyone is striving to seem more professional, put together, rich, secure, etc than they really are, but laying it all out before another is just straight up excruciating.

But then they uttered the words that I didn't deserve..."I forgive you." I cannot even begin to describe the healing and lightness that flooded my heart at that moment. I know I tend to be dramatic, but even as I type I still feel that giddiness of sitting across from AC and hearing those words and seeing the truth in their eyes. I spent far too much time looking at what I felt was a speck in them to notice what really was a plank in me.

As with my work situation, this change in mine and AC's relationship will have effects in other relationships. We've discussed some areas in which we can grow together and challenge those around us. I'm very excited about the changes taking place in my life, AC's life, our relationship, and the relationships of our little familial unit. It would be so easy to stop here and be content with the positive changes I've made, but I want to keep going. I want Jesus to continue to show me areas that need to be changed, to dig out the ugliness, to be more like Him. It scares me more than a little, but I'm so excited to continue to grow in my relationship with the Lord!

Praise God, from Whom all blessings flow;

Praise Him, all creatures here below;

Praise Him above, ye heavenly host;

Praise Father, Son, and Holy Ghost.

Specks and Planks

It never ceases to amaze me how it feels like I just posted when in actuality it's been a month.  Time flies when you're having fun, right!?!  Eh, I'll go with it.

I've had lots of different things rolling around in my head of late.  It sometimes seems like nothing and everything in particular.  But this time it was and blog worthy.  Well, in my estimation anyway :)

I had a chat with a co-worker about a month ago.  I adore T!  Her attitude, her work ethic, how she treats others...you can just tell that she's a great person.  So I was excited to learn that she was a Christian as well because one thing I've always wanted was a work mentor, but so many people are all about the money or stepping on others to get what you want.  T isn't like that was I was super excited to FINALLY have someone I can talk to, vent to, model myself after.  Anyway, as much as I love love love my job, there was a period of it being ridiculously stressful.  S and I job share the admin position (I work mornings and she does afternoons) and then I do special projects and other stuff the rest of the day.  When I interviewed and was hired I knew this would be the way things are, but I needed a job so bad I didn't care if it was part time.  But then they needed me full time.  So for two months I covered it all myself and then suddenly I was having to share what I had been doing alone.  It was a very difficult transition for me.  Made even more so by another person trying to be all involved when they weren't at all.

Stressed didn't even begin to describe what I was feeling.  I felt that my job was in jeopardy.  I was working so hard to try to be the best and not get forgotten in the newness of S.  And I was competitive.  Like whoa.  I didn't want anyone to like her more than they liked me so I was finding all sorts of public things to do that would make people realize how vital and needed I was.  And S was doing the same.  It was bad.

But by the grace of God, T stepped in.  We sat down to talk about some work stuff one day and the conversation flowed to what she was noticing.  She saw how extra person was all up in our, mine and S's, business, she saw S and I both working hard to out do each other and the strain it was putting on me.  Side note: it sometimes takes me a while to process my thoughts and feelings.  I can recognize what I'm feeling, but I need time to dig through it all to figure out the root of it and how to deal with it.  That said, even though I was stressed out I was so busy trying to stay ahead that I wasn't taking the time to process what was driving those feelings.  T was able to express what she was seeing and what was concerning her and it perfectly described what I was feeling, but unable to verbalize.  Long story short, after talking with T, I was able to go to S, who is also a Christian, and apologize for my behavior.  She had been feeling much the same way that I had and we were able to find an amazing balance.  Since then S and I have experienced a level of honesty and vulnerability that I've shared in very few relationships.  It's been wonderful!  That's not to say we don't get on each other's nerves, but I literally thank God quite often for bringing T and S into my life.

It's late.  More tomorrow...

Love Covers All

This week has been rough.  Professionally and personally things have been cray and it's left me very hurt and angry.  Like I'm not sure who I can or should trust.  It's this same feeling that causes me to pull back from people because just as I think I can trust someone something happens that leaves me hurting, insecure, and confused.

But I also realize I'm capable of causing that same kind of hurt to others.

And just as I need and desire their forgiveness, I'm choosing to do the same.  It's quite unintuitive.  My feelings call out for revenge and recompense.  But I know that's not right by any stretch of the imagination.  So I'm choosing to walk in forgiveness and not let these feelings take over.  I'm choosing to acknowledge the hurt and pain so that I don't do the same to another.  I'm choosing to love because I can see their actions, though ugly, stem from hurt and insecurity.

Let the past sleep, but let it sleep on the bosom of Christ. Leave the Irreparable Past in His hands, and step out into the Irresistible Future with Him. -Oswald Chambers

Yesterday kicked off the official start of my 30 Before 30 list.  And I promptly did nothing from the list.  I mean, come on it was my birthday! :)

Without further ado here is my list.  I'm sure I'll probably adjust things as my goals change, time gets short, I become more realistic and can't get things done, but for the moment here she is!

1. Run a half marathon.  (Completed April 2012)

2. Be conversational in Spanish. (After growing up in TX and having taken tons of Spanish classes from 6th through college, I'm still not fluent.  That. Will. Change.)

3. Own a pair of bona fide natural pearls. (I love mine, but they're cultured not natural.)

4. Read the entire Bible.  (I've done this once in high school, but I admit it was a little suspect.  I think I skimmed more than I actually read and understood.  And I definitely don't remember enough to warrant claiming having done this.)

5. Host a legit movie marathon.  And convince my friends to make it a full fledged slumber party :)

6. Get certified to carry a concealed handgun.

7. Learn how to pick a lock and break into somewhere.  (It'll probably be a friend's house as I don't want to go to jail, but break in I will!)

8. Crash a stranger's wedding.  (I'm not sure where this idea came from, but I've already secured a partner in crime!)

9. Go to the airport and just fly somewhere.
10. Buy a really nice dress and got out for a ridiculously expensive dinner/evening out.

11. Visit an acupuncturist. (The thought of needles in my face scares me, as it should, but I'm still very intrigued!)

12. Pet a tiger.  (There's a wildcat sanctuary somewhat near me.  It's gonna happen!)

13. See a show on Broadway.

14. Make something with my sewing machine.

15. Send someone a note in the mail at least once a month. (I'm hoping to do this more than once a month, but let's be realistic here.)

16. Read at least 10 books from this list. (Yes, I realize it's Wikipedia, but all the lists I came across this one seemed the best.  Or at least better than some of the others.)

17. Find and wear a bikini next summer.

18. Take a train ride somewhere.

19. Have the ability to go out to dinner with friends and pay for everyone's meal.

20. Make souffle.  (I had the most ah-mazing Tupelo Honey Souffle at the Gaylord Hotel in Orlando back in February.  And I'm going to TRY and recreate that decadent amazingness.)

21. Plant, grow, and keep a pot of hydrangeas alive. (I really should give up on trying to grow things, but one more try!)

22. Try a class that isn't typically "me."

23. Do at least one selfless, and if possible anonymous, thing a month.(Again, the goal is more than once a month, but I'm going to start small and work my way up!)

24. Meet and get a picture with someone famous.

25. Hike the Appalachian Trail. (Definitely not the entire thing, but enough to say I actually spent __ days hiking.)

26. Be proficient at playing at least one of these-golf, chess, tennis, poker, checkers...

27. Run a second half marathon and get my time under 2:30.

28. Journal every day about something I'm thankful for/blessed by/encouraged, etc.

29. Memorize a Scripture verse a week. (I may have to go old school and put the verse to music.  Apparently all the verses I learned were set to song and I usually have to sing to remember the entire verse.)

30. I'm keeping this one open for good measure...

Amendment to the NC State Constitution

I'm of the opinion that you just don't talk politics, money, or religion with people.  In my experience it never ends well.  Okay, maybe I don't actually write off entire institutions because of a few bad conversations, but I'm very particular who, when, and where I discuss these topics.  That said, I won't be discussing them here either.  There are far too many people who are paid much more than I who do it so much better.

But I will encourage you,, if you're a registered voter in NC (which everyone should be!), to read both sides of the argument of "Amendment One" or "The Marriage Amendment" as it's been called both.  Voters will see the following on the ballot come May 8th:

"Marriage between one man and one woman is the only domestic legal union that shall be valid or recognized in this State. This section does not prohibit a private party from entering into contracts with another private party; nor does this section prohibit courts from adjudicating the rights of private parties pursuant to such contracts."

Voters will then get to choose whether they are "for" or "against" said change.

Again, I will not suggest what side you should vote for.  I could, but I personally don't like hearing/seeing my friends preferences online when I can't ask them questions so I won't be following that trend.  I've even tried to flesh this out here and my opinion is quite obvious so I deleted it.  I'll willingly, in a non-confrontational manner, discuss this and why I plan to vote the way I will, but I prefer to do this in person versus online.  But most importantly I want everyone, especially my Christian friends, to pray and vote based on what God is speaking to your heart not based on what you feel the church expects, what your pastoral staff says, what your political party wants, what your friends are doing, etc.

Here are several resources, for and against, this change.  Please educate yourself and vote.

These are links in support of the change: Vote For Marriage and NC Values Coalition


These are links in opposition the change: Vote Against and Protect All NC Families

And please don't read anything into the order that I put the for or against links.  Something had to come first and something had to come second!

Additionally, here's the link to the NC Board of Elections page that will give you all the info you need on voting locations, hours, and dates for early voting.

So, please, get out there and vote!

Well, it's official...I am a half marathon runner!  I willingly admit to thinking, especially around miles 9, 10, and 11, that the race wouldn't end.  But I did it!  I was sad to realize, as I stood at the starting line, that they were giving out 13.1 stickers at registration (I previously mentioned this played a large part in my wanting to run).  When I registered I didn't get one and as you can imagine doing any additional walking after the race, for anything, was absolutely out of the question.  So I'll just have to go buy my own one of these days.

First things first.  My time.  I set a goal of running this beast in 2 hours and 30 minutes.  There's no real reason for this being my goal time other than a friend ran a half a couple of weeks ago and he did it in 2:25.  I figured if he could I could probably get a somewhat comparable time so that was my goal.  I didn't make it though.  I actually ran it in 2:50, so just 20 minutes off, but I'm not at all sad or disappointed.  This was my first half and before this my longest run had been 6 miles so I'm more than happy with my results.  It averages out at about 13:30 minutes per mile, but that's the average.  I know my first 7 miles were quicker, but things drastically slowed down.  But again, not at all ashamed.

Here are a couple of pictures from race day.

The Half Marathoners!

This is what the bib looked like. (Photo borrowed from Lacey)

 

I'm not sure who took this as I was clearly running.

The medal all the runners received.  Quite possibly my most prized possession!

I bought myself the coveted 13.1 magnet.  YEEEESSSS!!!!

The awesome sign Kelly made for me.  Best. Fan. Ever. :)

At you can imagine, I didn't have a camera while I ran so I didn't get any pictures of our fans, but I did get a picture of the sign Kelly made for me!  As this moment I can't imagine choosing to run another race, but I have a feeling it will be like when I got my tattoo...immediately after I was okay with just the one, but after a while the itch to get another keeps rearing it's head.  We shall see though!  For right now I'm swearing off running for at least a week!

This is life. Or something like it. I think.

Life is hard.  And as a Christian it often doesn't make much sense.

And I'm learning to be okay with that.  I'm a "free spirit" if you will when it comes to the stuff that doesn't matter very much (where to eat, jumping off waterfalls or jump off anything for that matter, breaking rules), but when it's important I'm very much a play by the rules, cross all my t's and dot all my i's kinda girl.  So walking by faith doesn't come very easily for me.  I need to know what is expected of me and how I'm expected to get it done.  Otherwise I stress to the point of grinding my teeth at night and biting my fingernails so short I bleed.  Seriously.  And I'm guessing that not what Jesus intended when He called us to walk by faith.

These feelings often leave me feeling isolated.  In my head I know I can't be the only person with these questions, but because everyone, myself included, does such  a great job of keeping their insecurities and failures a secret, people are often left feeling all alone.  Steven Furtick, speaking about insecurity, said it best when he said, "one reason we struggle with insecurity: we're comparing our behind the scenes to everyone else's highlight reel."

And it's so true!  Sure, this place in life, which I'll blog about tomorrow-ish, is uncomfortable and completely unexpected, but would I be as upset about it if I weren't comparing myself to those who own their homes, have jobs that don't involve wiping butt, drive vehicles that are more stylish, or have skinnier bodies?  I would warrant to guess probably not.

What would life look like if we/I embraced the struggles and decided to not only not run from them, but share them with others?  To embrace and work through the pain rather than dull it with electronics, food, friends, busyness?  If instead of getting down on myself I held tighter to God's promises instead of my short sighted delusions of what is?

In no uncertain terms, God said, "My thoughts are completely different from yours, And my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine." (Isaiah 55:8 NLT)  So while I'm imagining an upward moving career, 401(K), and benefits, what if He's imagining someone who can live anywhere and on very little because He has plans of my starting a business or running a non-profit or going back to school?  How I would hate to settle for a "good job" when He wanted to give me my heart's deepest desires!

Abba, may I never again question Your plan.  Forgive me for doubting; forgive my wavering and sinful heart.  Just as You were there when Peter's faithlessness caused him to sink in the water, I know You are here with me in the midst of this scary situation.  This day, I once again choose to take up my cross and follow You irregardless of the costs to my life, my belongings, my reputation.  I want You more than I want this world and anything in it. Just as the father of the tormented boy cried out, I cry out, "I do believe, but help me not to doubt!"  May you use this sinful vessel as a tool to reflect your glory and grace.  I bow before You and ask that you continue to mold me and make me into your vessel.  In Jesus' Name.  Amen.