I love how much Jesus loves me. So much so that He convicts me of the sin in my life in order to make me more like Him. Let's be honest, if anyone else came to me with that being the reason they addressed me, we'd have serious issues. But it's okay when it's Jesus:)

But boy, did He ever convict me yesterday. He brought my false humility, the self depreciation that goes along with that, the constant comparison with others, and the unhealthy level of interest in what others think about me to the fore. Oh yeah, He seriously busted me.

Although I want His thoughts of me to be the only ones I really desire, they aren't. As if this isn't bad enough, I often get down on myself because my perception of myself usually doesn't measure up to my perception of others. This quite frequently leaves me feeling like a failure and worthless. So He took me to task yesterday about how my perceptions are, first of all, not always accurate or even close to the truth. Second, they shouldn't be more important to me than His thoughts about me. And third, He loves me just the way I am and where I am so I need to relax.

My most constant feelings of failure and lack lie in my being single when I want to be married and not having a "real" career. And it was this line of thinking in which Jesus crashed through. Honestly though, this isn't the first time I've been convicted about this. It's just the first time I've slowed down enough to actually pay attention and allow the conviction and chastisement to sink in.

Acknowledging and accepting correction is never a fun thing. Good maybe, but never fun. And though I fully realize this constant assault on myself isn't healthy or Christ-like I'm not sure how to move away from it. I've used the self-depreciation as a shield around my heart and my desires for so long now, I'm not even sure what it would be like to not use it. Where's the line between guarding my heart and hiding myself from others?