"If you are not praying, then you are quietly confident that time, money, and talent are all you need in life." ~Paul Miller, A Praying Life

"Prayerlessness isn't an issue of self-discipline, but of extreme arrogance or unbelief." ~JD Greear

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I've been mulling over these statements the last few days since JD said them as apart of his sermon a couple of weeks ago.  Hearing and trying to digest these statements was like a personal storm of thunder and lightning in my being.  It was convicting.  It was hard to hear.  And it was true.  Truer than I'd like to admit.

I have struggled with this never ending battle of being really consistent about reading my Bible and praying followed by a drought-ish time of not doing either and not being able to break out of the pattern.  I've always considered it a lack of discipline to not be able to get myself out of that pattern, which in some ways it definitely is, but lately I've come to realize it's more than that.  It's a lack of belief in His power in my life that's the issue.  Honestly, I wish it were just an issue of self-discpline.  That would be easier to overcome.  But no.  It's my lack of belief in His desire to be apart of my life.  Not a major issue at all...just the foundation of my faith.  Ugh.

It's not like I don't believe the Bible, the Trinity, or the life and works of Christ.  I adamantly believe in the miracles Jesus performed, that He lived sinlessly, that the Bible is inerrant, etc.  But what I struggle with accepting that He, in spite of my very petty very selfish life, wants me to ask Him for anything and everything, that He longs to be near me.  It's hard for me to accept.  I know this has been an issue in my life for a very long time, but it hasn't been until recently, as God continues to open my heart and work on the layers of sin and hurt, I've begun to understand.  The depth of my unbelief and confusion has done such damage in my life, in relationships.  It breaks my heart to know through this I've hurt those I care about.

But I'm choosing to seek Him.  To seek healing, restoration, and hope.  To find peace.  To know the acceptance of the One who wants me more than any other.  I want to know Him as the Strong Tower like David, the Protector like Daniel, the Redeemer like Paul.  I want to know Him for myself.