I'm an awkward kid.  I know that.  I've even learned to embrace it.  But I normally try to at least keep it a secret from strangers.  I failed at it this week.  And not just any kind of fail, but an epic, awkward, totes inapprops failure.  Here's how it went:

I had just bought some food in the hospital cafeteria and how gone to the 6th floor to buy a Mtn. Dew...they're cheaper to get from the machines than the cafeteria.  There was a housekeeping guy nearby who I smiled at, but didn't really pay much attention to beyond that.  You also should know that I have a bad habit of putting things...cell phone, keys, pens...in my mouth as if it's an extra pocket or something.  Also, I tend to say things that make sense in my head, but come out sounding like sexual innuendos.  This particular evening I was holding a dollar bill in my mouth, gross I know, while I fished the quarter out of my pocket.

Man: "You shouldn't put that dollar in your mouth.  Don't you know how dirty those things are!?!"

Me: "Yeah, I know.  But it's not the worse thing I've put in my mouth."

**Awkward silence as he tries to decide if I'm coming on to him, that much of a whore, or stupid.**

Me: "Um, I mean, I have a bad habit of putting my keys in my mouth so...yeah."

Man just stared at me.  He picked up on my awkwardness, gave me a confident "I'm the king of the world" look, and sauntered away.  Where was the giant hole to swallow me up when I needed it!?!

And this is why I don't usually talk to strangers.

Okay, so I know the picture is old.  But it goes with my theme so bear with me.

I don't like resolutions.  I don't like the temporal and expected feeling of inevitable failure.  But I do like taking time to reflect on my past and my future.  I want to look back and see my missteps and my successes and learn from them.  I want to grow spiritually, relationally, professionally; and a good way of doing that is seeing where I didn't, where I could have and learning from that and making sure my future doesn't include those same mistakes.  I also look to see where I did well and how I can build on those successes.

Now, don't get me wrong, in no way do I believe in allowing your past to dictate your future.  There are too many stories of people overcoming their mistakes and then going on to be hugely successful to believe that.  But a big part of their eventual success was knowing what didn't work and moving on from there...and you only know that by taking the time to examine those errors.

That said, instead of resolutions, I've decided to give this year action words of what I hope and desire 2012 will look like.

Involved: When I get overwhelmed, I tend to fall into an apathetic attitude about what I'm struggling with.  I'm determined to remain involved in all areas of life...spiritually, financially, professionally, relationally.  I'm not running from conflict anymore.

Active: When I fall in the aforementioned apathy, I lose the desire to be active.  This year is the year of getting back to being outside, getting involved with sports again, and treating my body as I should.

Courageous: Because I'm so afraid of failing, I often don't take risks.  It's a sad way to live life trying to always remain safe.  I know God created me for a reason and that reason isn't to remain on the sidelines so this year I'm taking risks.  I mean, my favorite scripture verse is Joshua 1:9, which says, "Have I not commanded you?  Be strong and courageous.  Do not be afraid, do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go."

And so I'm choosing to go be involved, active, and courageous this year.  I'm going to be the new, bolder me in 2012!

It's a new year.  Wow.  I can't believe 2012 is already here.

As I get closer to my 30th birthday, it's next year, I've decided I want to make a Bucket List that will be titled  "30 Before 30".  I've not gotten very far.  I mean this idea hasn't moved beyond wanting to do it...I've still yet to sit down and actually think about it and write it out.  But I do know one thing that will be on the list.

I want to complete a race.  A half marathon to be exact.  Which is convenient because as of Thursday, December 29, I took the plunge. And by "took the plunge" I mean I was shoved in, but it's official either way.

I'm registered for a half marathon in April.  And yes, when I say a half marathon I mean running for 13.1 miles...consecutively. WHAT!?!

Anyone who knows me knows I don't run much past 3 miles.  Sure, I've often thought about how awesome it would be to push myself mentally and physically to complete an actual race...and how awesome I'd feel being apart of the cool club with a 13.1 magnet on the back of my Jeep (true story).  But I've never actually even looked into it much less really considered signing up.

That time of dreaming of the magnet has ended.  I will, in 13 short weeks, complete a half marathon...amd buy myself the magnet.  I'm hoping somewhere along the way become an avid runner who just hasn't reached her full potential until now.  I'm not holding my breath though.  At best I'm hoping to lose a couple of pounds and inches, get more muscle definition, prove to myself that I can push through anything with hard work, sacrifice, and dedication, and transform myself from this

to this

Here's to determination, strength, facing fears, and a sense of accomplishment in 2012!

I like to laugh.  And often.  If one were to take time to observe me, alone or with others, I laugh a lot.  It only gets awkward when I'm laughing about what's going on in my head.  Which also happens often.

Here are a couple of photos that have made me laugh recently.  Enjoy!

Oh man, at what point did this become a good idea!?!

The awkward moment when you can't find a bra so you stuff your boobs in your pants!

Haha!  Violence is never the answer, Dad!

I could totally see my brother doing this :)

Haha! I love out of everything she said, her dad picks out her knock against ABC Family as what's bad:)

You've got to love, and by love I mean hate, an eye opening, life changing experience about and with God one day followed by a day from hell the next.  That was my day yesterday.

{photo credit: google.com images}

More specifically this was me yesterday.  But not nearly as glamorous or calm.  Or even secluded which I'd have loved.

My Jeep died.  In the turn lane at 3pm.  At the intersection of Glenwood Ave and Brier Creek Pkwy.  Easily the worst time and place EVER for a vehicle breakdown.  And if the fact of an unexpectedly broken down vehicle isn't stressful enough, let's add the inconsiderate idiots who honked, yelled, cursed, and flipped me off.  Because clearly breaking down was something I wanted to do!!!

I first called my roommate.  No answer.  Then I called my mom.  In Florida.  Not logical at all, but when I freak out she's always who I call.  She calmed me down enough to get me to realize there's nothing she can do and got me to call a friend.  Wonderful Lacey jumped right in her car and came to meet me.  She had the calmness about her to call the police which in turn got the yelling and profanity to stop.  I called a tow truck, but it was going to be a while (why does it take every tow truck at least an hour to get somewhere?) so the officer said we should wait in Lacey's car until it came.  We walked to Lacey's car and when she couldn't find her keys right away she thought she left them in my Jeep.  Unfortunately, I looked inside and realized they were in her ignition.  And the doors were locked.  And the car was on.

We literally and gently, I mean no one wants to add cement face burn to this horrendous day, threw ourselves onto the ground in front of Wild Wings Cafe.

So now we're waiting on AAA to open her car and the tow truck for my car.  Yay.

The policeman calls me to say he has some policeman friends coming and they're going to push my Jeep out of the way because of course by now it's after work and Brier Creek Pkwy is getting busier.  As I'm walking over I see a stopped car in the lane next to mine.  The driver's talking to the officer so I think he's offering to help.  Nope.  His car died.  Now 2 of 5 lanes on Brier Creek Pkwy are blocked by dead vehicles.

It's like I'm sucking people into a black hole of drama.

Thankfully the officers got both my Jeep and the other car pushed to the side of the road, traffic returns to its normal state after 2 hours of my Jeep camped in the middle of the turn lane, Lacey graciously sat with me, followed the tow truck to Raleigh to the shop, and then bought pizza, rented a movie, finished making the cookies I took her from, shared her wine, and let me come over.  Amazingly wonderful friend.  I owe her huge.

So now the Jeep is at the shop.  They will be running a diagnostic test on it today to figure out the problem.  I'm a mess worrying about how to pay for this.  I don't make much money...something I've been trying to change by looking for a new job, but so far no luck.  And now my worst fear has come true...needing money for something and not having it.

The me three days ago would lament why God would let this happen.  But I'm choosing to rejoice today.  For all I know, breaking down was God's way of not allowing the engine to blow up which would be a very costly repair/replacement.  I choose to rejoice that I wasn't physically hurt or in danger.  That I have supportive friends.  That He will never leave me or forsake.  I'm choosing to cling to the knowledge that He loves me beyond my understanding and will walk this out with me.  It's scary, yes.  But I'm choosing to look to Him and not the problem.  Easier said than done when I have to be to work tonight...and plans this weekend...and work next week, but I'm just going to take it one step at a time.  Right now, pray.  Later, talk to the repair shop.  Then, work.

I feel like my life sucks.  It's hard when things are a constant struggle...especially when it seems others don't struggle nearly as much as I do.  But I'm choosing to keep my eyes on Him today.  I'll pray that you'll be able to do the same...but only if you'll pray for a large windfall of money for me!

Also, if you know of a mechanic who might want a new friend let me know...I'll happily barter baked goods for car help when needed:)

What is God's heart towards me?

This is a question my heart has cried for longer than I care to admit.  And then I read this piece by Danish philosopher Søren Kierkegaard.  Laying aside the fact that I cry easily, which I did while reading this, I can whole heartedly say this has changed my life.

Suppose there was a king who loved a humble maiden. The king was like no other king. Every statesman trembled before his power. No one dared breathe a word against him, for he had the strength to crush all opponents.

And yet this mighty king was melted by love for a humble maiden who lived in a poor village in his kingdom. How could he declare his love for her? In an odd sort of way, his kingliness tied his hands. If he brought her to the palace and crowned her head with jewels and clothed her body in royal robes, she would surely not resist-no one dared resist him. But would she love him?

She would say she loved him, of course, but would she truly? Or would she live with him in fear, nursing a private grief for the life she had left behind? Would she be happy at his side? How could he know for sure? If he rode to her forest cottage in his royal carriage, with an armed escort waving bright banners, that too would overwhelm her. He did not want a cringing subject. He wanted a lover, an equal. He wanted her to forget that he was a king and she a humble maiden and to let shared love cross the gulf between them. For it is only in love that the unequal can be made equal.

The king, convinced he could not elevate the maiden without crushing her freedom, resolved to descend to her. Clothed as a beggar, he approached her cottage with a worn cloak fluttering loose about him. This was not just a disguise – the king took on a totally new identity – He had renounced his throne to declare his love and to win hers.

Such a beautiful picture of what He feels for us!



I heart these women!!!



Maggie Valley with the girls!

 I had the pleasure to travel to FL for the wedding of my dear friend, Molly.  She met her husband overseas while they were both serving in a Middle Eastern country.  It was such a wonderful time to see the two of them together, catch up with the friends who are more like sisters (hint: most of them are in the pictures), and spend some time reliving college.

Of everything, though, the most wonderful part of the weekend was sharing and hearing the struggles of the women I love so much.  These are women I met in college when we were nothing more than girls pretending and trying to be women.  We've kept in touch through a FB group as well as the traditional phone calls, email, cards, etc.  My heart is at rest when I'm with them.  It wasn't always so as I often felt unworthy around them...not pretty enough, rich enough, skinny enough.  Thankfully, God dispelled those lies before these relationships were lost and I cherish each and every time I get to spend time with them.

This weekend was no different.  It did much to soothe and comfort my heart.  In the last 5 years, we've had 11 marriages, 2 serve as missionaries, 3 miscarriages, 5 kids, 2 currently pregnant members, infertility problems, and hard core serious marital problems.  And it was the sharing of those marital problems that struck me the most.  I want to get married, but I'm so afraid I'll choose the wrong guy or that 10 years down the road he doesn't want to be married to me anymore or I/we will have too many issues and he won't want to stay and work through them with me.  It scares me to no end.  It doesn't help that I feel like marriage is most often portrayed as the cure all for life's problems or it's touted as an institution that is horribly bad and needs to be avoided at all costs.  I don't agree with either of those views and although I've seen many good examples of marriage, it still scares the crap out of me.

So as I sat and cried with these sisters of my heart, I was struck by their strength, tenacity, and faith in Christ.  Even as one shared that her husband confessed to lying for 3 1/2 out of the 4 years of their marriage, she never sought a way out of the marriage.  As another said her husband continually falls into the sin of a particular temptation, she doesn't degrade or belittle him, she prays for him.  Another, knowing the grip a certain sin and the ensuing struggle it causes in the life of her fiance, happily plans their uncoming wedding.  Still another shares the anger, hurt, and frustration of infertility yet she'd have it no other way than with the man who hurts and comforts her better than any other person alive.

In these women I see what marriage really looks like.  It's not all butterflies and picnics, but it's beautiful all the same.  I hate that they are going through these struggles, but I feel so honored that they are allowing me to walk this journey with them.  Of all the weddings I've been invited to, apart of, or just sent gifts, none have allowed me to glimpse what real marriage looks like.  It's as scary as I thought it would be, but these women just did more to convince me it's worth the scariness than anyone else has ever done.  I hope if I'm ever married I can be an encouragement and share life with someone just as they have with me.