At a recent coffee date with one of my faves, living the life we were created to live came up. We agreed that we feel God calling us to live above and beyond where we are now, but that the thought of what that means is very scary.

God has glaringly brought it to my attention that I’ve allowed that fear and the worship of man to control me. It breaks my heart that after all the years of being a Christian I still consistently struggle to keep God first in my life. Although I think anything that brings me to a place of repentance is a good thing, it still hurts. And when others are hurt because of my sin it seems even worse.

I realize that everyone must make their own decisions, but I also know that my actions do have an effect on the lives of others. And although Christ saved me from a life of guilt because of my actions, I still feel it. I realize that just as God offered me opportunities to change and obey Him, no doubt He also presented others with similar opportunities to obey. But when I see how my disobedience, regardless of anyone else’s, ripples out to those in my life, my heart breaks. And when my disobedience combines with someone else’s it’s even worse. Which is where I am right now.

I’ve been given numerous opportunities to speak truth, but I instead chose convenience, the path of least resistance, comfort. And I didn’t live up to my God given role. And I feel as if I failed God, others, and myself.

Perhaps God doesn’t consider it a failure. But I think of being a kid and my parents wanting me to do my chores. They didn’t want to do them later, they wanted them done now. They took delight in my obedience. Of course, there were times when I’d not do them right away and they’d fuss. Sure, I might have gotten them done eventually, but after having to say something several times it would seem the delight dwindled. Did they still delight in my obedience when it came after much disobedience? It seems very doubtful.

And that’s how I feel right now with God. I can’t imagine Him being pleased with my just deciding to get in line with what He wants when it was preceded with much disobedience. I know He loves me regardless, the Cross is a huge testament to that, but in my human thinking I can’t imagine Him actually being pleased with my delayed obedience. Forget pleased, I can’t imagine anyone even caring that I just now decided to obey. I know His ways are beyond my comprehension, but I’m having a hard time accepting His forgiveness. And that it hurt others of His creation at the same time seems so much worse. I feel like I’m 0 for 2.

My heart hurts. It aches for the others I hurt by my disobedience. It bleeds for my own pain. I was warned of this, encouraged to turn from it, but I didn’t see it as disobedience. I didn’t view it as sin. So I kept on. And with all things, I was forced to reckon with my decisions. Not an easy or comfortable thing to do. And not just one decision, but multiple decisions that have broken my heart. I wish I could have a good cry and maybe ease some of this pain, but no luck. I feel no comfort.

“O Lord, how long will you forget me? Forever? How long will you look the other way? How long must I struggle with anguish in my soul, with sorrow in my heart every day?” Psalm 13:1-2

This taxes thing really has me all...I don't know...questioning. I had the chance to talk with a couple of friends about it. Both said they've never given enough for it to really make a difference when filing taxes, but they do claim their tithes. When questioned further, one friend was taught that claiming their donations and possibly getting money back was an earthly reward for obeying God. The other didn't really say much, but somewhat agreed with what the first said. Logically speaking, I can understand that teaching, but Biblically I don't see any basis in which to teach that. And it's from that standpoint from where I want to solve this.

Despite not feeling as if I'm any closer to an answer, God has used this as an opportunity to show me areas of pride in my life. To be convicted of sin so that I may become more like Him is definitely a good thing, but not necessarily fun or easy. God showed me where even in my not talking about my donations to others, I took an inordinate amount of pride in seeing what I gave each year. It's one thing to be excited to see how you've been blessed and have been able to bless others, but it's a completely different to look at it as if you've done something yourself...which is how I acted. My attitude embarrasses me, but it has also brought me to repentance.

So, I don't have an answer. I've not really prayed and sought God's voice on this issue as much as I'd have liked, but I'm okay with that. That's not to say I won't continue to pray about it, but I've come to a decision that I'm content with. Maybe God will change my heart on this. Or maybe someone will be able to explain their reasoning in a way that would get me to change. I dunno. But I'm okay with where I stand on the issue. Because if nothing else this journey brought me to repentance...and there's nowhere I'd rather be than at the foot of the Cross.

I did my taxes the other night. I had previously done them, but couldn't get the feeling that I'd done them wrong out of my head so I redid them. And I was right. I had done them wrong the first time. The large refund I thought I was getting isn't going to be large at all. And having grown up in Texas, where there are no state income taxes, I was quite annoyed to find out I owe the state of North Carolina money. Not cool.

But what struck me was after finding out I wasn't getting back as much as I thought, I wondered how much that would change if I claimed my charitable donations!?! Ahhh! The very same thing I recently said I didn't feel right about I was now considering. Okay, maybe not actually considering, but I at least thought about how claiming those donations would affect my return.

I'm not a money hungry person, but I do enjoy getting money back every year. And I definitely prefer to get money rather than pay the government. If it's between getting or paying, I can understand why someone might claim their donations. It's not about the money, which is what I would have said, but in truth, it is. When faced with maybe having to pay or claiming donations and getting some money back, anyone would rather get money back.

But I'm still at a loss as to how this affects me as a Christian. What does God feel about this? Is there Scripture that supports or condemns this practice? I'm gonna continue to search my heart and pray on this...

He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain what he cannot lose. ~Jim Elliot

I quite often question if I lead the type of lifestyle that Jim Elliot speaks of. When considering this, one of the first things that comes to mind is money. And regardless when I ask the question or how I answer it, the subject always come up again every year toward the end of January...when I get a "giving" statement from church listing my financial contributions throughout the year. And I'm never really sure what to do with it. It's not that I don't appreciate that someone took the time to note my contributions because I do. I know it must take hours upon hours every week to record all that information on each parishoner. I just wonder as to the purpose of it.

I must admit to being somewhat ignorant when it comes to taxes. I do know enough to file my own, but I also ususally send the paperwork to my dad to double check it for me. That being said, I don't really understand "claiming" charitable donations. It doesn't seem very charitable to me if you give something only to later announce to the IRS that you gave and you want credit for it. But again, I don't fully understand what it means to claim something so maybe I'm looking at this wrong. It does bring up questions though. Like, does the government even allow people to file their tithes as charitable giving? What would be the purpose of claiming one's donations? In light of the Bible, would or could that be seen as someone putting more importance on money, a temporary possession they will one day no longer have, over the Gospel, the eternal prize? Most importantly, how does God view this topic?

Personally, I've decided not to do anything the statement. For various reasons, I don't feel right about claiming or seeking a return of monies, if in fact that's what it is. It doesn't seem right to ask the government to go easy on me because I gave. To me, that negates the sacrificiality (pretty sure that's not a real word, but whatev) of giving. But, why do I feel that way? I can't think of anything in the Bible that specifically addresses this topic, but, if my perception on the topic is correct, it still rubs me the wrong way. And I do know of several Bible verses that speak of the pitfalls of caring too much about money.

This isn't to say I think those people who claim their donations aren't good Christians or good people. It's just different than what I do. And that intrigues me. I would love to have the opportunity to discuss with someone our differing opinions on this issue.

I sometimes feel like a vagabond. By it's definition, a vagabond is "an itinerant person." Historically, the term was derived from the Latin meaning "purposeless wandering." My personal favorite definition, however, stems from Arthur Rickett's 19th century defintion in his book aptly titled "The Vagabond in Literature." Rickett defined a vagabond as one "born with a vagrant strain in the blood, an unsatiable inquisitiveness about the world beyond their doors."

That's how I feel. I have an unsatiable desire to do, to be, to know. I'm not sure quite what stokes that fire however. Sometimes, it feels as if life is like running on a treadmill. You keep running and running, but you stay in the same place. I want to go, to see, to be. It's not just some desire to be popular or rich. I want to fully live, experience. It's in my blood. It's as if every single movement is urging me to go further, do more.

But I'm not sure how to respond.

So, I find myself in a mediocre job, doing mindless work, at the typical 8-5 Monday through Friday office, punching the clock for "the man."

And I'm about to lose it.

I was recently talking to a friend and we were both saying how we feel God urging us to live radical lives, but fears have kept us from doing what we feel. Although it was great to know I wasn't the only person feeling that way, I knew I had to make a decision based on me and God and no one else. After that conversation I came to the conclusion that living without family, friends, things, and earthly comforts, but in an amazingly wonderful relationship with God was worth any and all sacrifices I would have to make.

Yet here I am in the same place...poised to go, although I don't know where, but with no plan. Hating the monotony, but not having the know how to change the situation.

But even in this barren place, I know He is here. I can't see Him, but I know. As surely as I know the voice of my mother, I know His thoughts are about me. His arms are around me. Nothing happens outside of His control and knowledge. He is here, even in this.

May this "unsatiable inquisitiveness about the world beyond my doors" lead me to the cross. And not just lead me there so that I can get my spiritual boost, but may I be there to support and hold the hands of others who also need answers to their heart questions.

The sacrifice you want is a broken spirit. A broken and repentant heart, O God, you will not despise. Psalm 51:17

I often get caught up in thinking that only the "important" things, as I deem them, matter to God. But that's not true at all. Take today for instance.

I'm taking an Anatomy and Physiology II class as a pre-req for nursing school. I originally enrolled in a T/R class because the M/W class conflicted with a Microbiology class I needed. I ended up not registering for the Micro class, but kept the T/R A&P. As I was sitting in class last night it occurred to me that I should try to get in the M/W class because it would give me a little more flexibility in my schedule. As it stands, on Tuesdays I leave home about 7:35, work until 5, straight to school, and from school straight to Bible study where the earliest I'd get home is 9:30 or 10...if I didn't stick around and talk. And Thursdays after work was class and then lab until 10:15. And that also meant missing worship and missing "The Office" party with friends. Sad times.

But I "got the idea" to email my professor and call the school to see if I could change my schedule. My prof said I'd need to speak with the department head and the school said it was too late to change. After sharing my reasoning with the Bio department head, via email, said it was too late. I shot back a quick reply saying "oh well, but thank you for your time." She then replied and said I could ask my prof if I could unofficially switch classes. Meaning, all the material is the same so although the school has me enrolled in one class, if it was okay with my prof, I could attend the class that I really wanted. I emailed my prof telling her what the department head said and she said that was okay! Starting next week I'll be in the M/W class...this means I won't be rushing everywhere, I have a good friend in that class which should be fun, and I'll be done with "going" to school on Wednesday night instead of late Thursday night. Yay!

I am humbled and awed that God loves me so much that He places things on my heart that He knows I'll enjoy. If it were in my own strength the emailing might not have gone so smoothly. Or I would have never thought to try to change classes in the first place. But God, knowing the depths of my mind, heart, and soul, knew a schedule change would be something I would take pleasure in. And He gave me the means to pursue that gift.

He amazes me so much. I am constantly in awe of the immeasurable depths of His love towards me. That I most often only barely press into it is such a loss. To know and dwell in the greatness of His glory and love...I can't even begin to imagine what that will be like.

Abba, my desire is to pursue a oneness with You with reckless abandon. May I toss everything aside to be where You are.