At a recent coffee date with one of my faves, living the life we were created to live came up. We agreed that we feel God calling us to live above and beyond where we are now, but that the thought of what that means is very scary.

God has glaringly brought it to my attention that I’ve allowed that fear and the worship of man to control me. It breaks my heart that after all the years of being a Christian I still consistently struggle to keep God first in my life. Although I think anything that brings me to a place of repentance is a good thing, it still hurts. And when others are hurt because of my sin it seems even worse.

I realize that everyone must make their own decisions, but I also know that my actions do have an effect on the lives of others. And although Christ saved me from a life of guilt because of my actions, I still feel it. I realize that just as God offered me opportunities to change and obey Him, no doubt He also presented others with similar opportunities to obey. But when I see how my disobedience, regardless of anyone else’s, ripples out to those in my life, my heart breaks. And when my disobedience combines with someone else’s it’s even worse. Which is where I am right now.

I’ve been given numerous opportunities to speak truth, but I instead chose convenience, the path of least resistance, comfort. And I didn’t live up to my God given role. And I feel as if I failed God, others, and myself.

Perhaps God doesn’t consider it a failure. But I think of being a kid and my parents wanting me to do my chores. They didn’t want to do them later, they wanted them done now. They took delight in my obedience. Of course, there were times when I’d not do them right away and they’d fuss. Sure, I might have gotten them done eventually, but after having to say something several times it would seem the delight dwindled. Did they still delight in my obedience when it came after much disobedience? It seems very doubtful.

And that’s how I feel right now with God. I can’t imagine Him being pleased with my just deciding to get in line with what He wants when it was preceded with much disobedience. I know He loves me regardless, the Cross is a huge testament to that, but in my human thinking I can’t imagine Him actually being pleased with my delayed obedience. Forget pleased, I can’t imagine anyone even caring that I just now decided to obey. I know His ways are beyond my comprehension, but I’m having a hard time accepting His forgiveness. And that it hurt others of His creation at the same time seems so much worse. I feel like I’m 0 for 2.

My heart hurts. It aches for the others I hurt by my disobedience. It bleeds for my own pain. I was warned of this, encouraged to turn from it, but I didn’t see it as disobedience. I didn’t view it as sin. So I kept on. And with all things, I was forced to reckon with my decisions. Not an easy or comfortable thing to do. And not just one decision, but multiple decisions that have broken my heart. I wish I could have a good cry and maybe ease some of this pain, but no luck. I feel no comfort.

“O Lord, how long will you forget me? Forever? How long will you look the other way? How long must I struggle with anguish in my soul, with sorrow in my heart every day?” Psalm 13:1-2