This had been a long time in coming.  And I finally feel ready to write out these feelings.  I've never understood how or why people feel guilty about something out of their control.  As I saw it, if you weren't directly involved and couldn't affect the outcome, how could you feel guilty about something you didn't do?

The death of my patient felt me with these same feelings that I couldn't understand or fully express.  I don't know exactly why as I had nothing to do with her surgery or even any serious amounts of care.  Yet, I was left feeling like there was more I could've done to make her stay more enjoyable or gotten to know her family better or done more for her kids.  I was haunted by these thoughts for days and days.  I could barely function without crying from the intense grief I felt over the lost of this wonderful life.

I thought going to the funeral service would help bring closure, but it just served to show how much more wonderful she was than what I already knew.  Her family and friends thanked us for the care we gave her.  If they only knew how deeply she touched our lives, my life.  I can't even begin to understand why God chose to allow their lives to take this path.  If I had my way, she'd be home celebrating a successful surgery and renewed life with her family.  But His ways aren't my ways.  And I rest in the knowledge that she knew that as well.

The following is from a book of prayers we, the staff, were given by the hospitals grief counselors.  It embodies lifestyle this wonderful woman exhibited to us each and every day.  I will never forget the impact you made on my life.  I will remember to always just breathe...

Wondrous Lord,

You are all I want,

all I have,

all I seek.

I give myself

into Your hands,

trusting that

You know what is best

for me

and will bring me to that place

where You are all in all. Amen.

Meister Eckhart

I'm a broken mess right now.

A patient of ours, and she was most definitely "ours" as in my entire unit, died yesterday morning.

With the patient population I work with, death is something we're very acquainted with.  You don't work with lung transplant patients and not deal with death.  And this death isn't the first I've had.  We've had several long time patients die.  Yet each one hurts as if it were the first.  We spend long hours doing everything we can to make these people comfortable and try to heal them.  We share our lives with them to help them not feel disconnected with the outside world, we meet and get to know their spouses, children,  grandchildren, their likes and dislikes.  We hear their stories of childhood and share our own.  We make things for them, bring them books and snacks, we learn what they enjoy and provide it.  We hold their hands when their afraid, sit with and hug them when they cry, we hum and sing when they're anxious.  We become apart of their support system.  They become apart of us.  And we ache when they lose the battle.

This patient.  She had a difficult road.  I was there when she first came to us and no one knew anything about her.  I saw the transformation of her and her husband from fear of a new hospital and staff to complete trust and kinship in that we would do anything to make her better.  We celebrated their 15th wedding anniversary.  And her birthday.  We played with her kids and got to know her parents.  She quickly went from a new patient to a much cared about friend.  We loved her.

We were afraid she wouldn't get the lungs she needed.  We saw her get transferred to the ICU because she was getting weaker.  And we rejoiced when she came back to us.  There was a real fear that she wouldn't get lungs because of her diverse heritage, but it was with much excitement that she got both necessary calls Sunday saying they found lungs for her.  Monday morning she was wheeled off the unit with lots of well wishes and shouts of prayers as we got ready for the 18 hour wait hearing how the surgery went.

And she died.

I don't know if it's even possible for me to cry anymore.  My heart aches for her husband and her precious babies.  They're so young.  I'm afraid in five years they won't remember her face or her immeasurable love for them.  I can't wrap my brain around this.  Why her?  Why not the brain dead patient who is only alive because of a ventilator?  Why one so young with so much to live for?

I'm gonna be brutally honest here.

At the beginning of the month, as it was New Year's, we had a lot of interns and residents working because our attendings had the holidays off.  Although all doctors are somewhat odd and interns especially, we had already determined one of the interns was decidedly a fruitcake.  Girl was just plain strange, but we only had to deal with her for a couple of more days.

And then she pissed me off.  Most noticeably was her tone of voice and how she talked to me like I was an errant child.

So I did the only logical thing.

I came home and took several online IQ tests.

So when i said logical i meant logical in the angry-I-wanna-get-even-with-that-heifer kinda way.

It seems that I have an above average IQ.  Heck, I got an 80 on the Mensa test.  Truthfully, I never doubted my intelligence, but I had elaborate fantasies about telling her exactly what I thought of her and how I would be able to work my above average IQ, which of course would be above her IQ as well, into my justified tirade.

Oh, the life and thought processes of this sinful creature.

I've casually been thinking of a good and solid New Year's resolutions for this year and I've finally figured it out.  Well, at least one.  Tonight we celebrated both of my roommates birthdays...one is one the 8th and the other is on the 10th.  It was an amazing party!  Lots of fun had by all with great decorations, food, and location.  All around an amazingly awesome time!  But anyway.  As I enjoyed the evening, watched them enjoy the evening and then later as we were looking at pictures when we got home, I was just so very grateful to God putting them in my life.  I LOVE these girls!  They know me and have walked with me through some very difficult situations.  They've been supportive, compassionate, and honest.  We aren't always crazy by the things each other does, but I always love them.  Tonight was another of those times where I was reminded of how much I love them tonight.  And how often I keep that to myself.

So that's my resolution for this year.  I resolve to be more vocal in my love, support, and accountability of others, to write more cards and letters to let others know how vital and inspirational they are, to challenge and sharpen a sister or brother, to be an encouragement in good times and bad, to give of my time and resources rather than constantly run to and fro, to allow God to minister to His children through me.  I thrive in situations where I'm given verbal feedback yet I rarely respond in like manner.  This year I will give what I often crave rather than take from another.  Not for myself, my ego, or to feel good about what I've done, but for that person who also desires the affirmation of a job well done, who wants to know someone is on their side.

To give unselfishly
to love the least of these
Jesus I'm learning how to live with open hands
All these treasures that I own
will never satisfy my soul
Jesus I lay them at your throne with open hands

I lift my hands open wide
let the whole world see
how you love, how you died, how you set me free
free at last, I surrender all I am with open hands, with open hands

To finally let go of my plans
these earthly kingdoms built of sand
Jesus at your cross I stand with open hands

You took the nails, You bore the crown
You hung your head, Your love poured out
You took my place, You paid the price
so Jesus now I will give my life

Last month I went into a patient's room for some random reason and saw she had a book titled "This I Believe: The Personal Philosophies of Remarkable Men and Women" sitting on her table.  It looked interesting so I snapped a picture of the book front (make no mistake...I took a picture of the book not the patient...no HIPPA violations here!) and borrowed it from the library.  It's been an amazing read!  The book is based on a NPR radio series that originally aired in 1950.  It's a collection of short essays from people you've heard of to some you'll never hear of, but amazing all.  Each person was asked to think about and explain what they believe, what has brought them to their current personal beliefs in life.  The essayists are extremely diverse in their beliefs, but what I adore is that they don't just write about religious beliefs or laws or whatever.  Their writings "reveal the American spirit."  They believe in love, family, pride, adoption, God, the lack of God, equality.  It humbles me as I catch these glimpses into the lives of others and hear their stories and the experiences that have led them to their current beliefs.

I'm still in the midst of the book, but it, as well as the fact that I'm just days into a new year, naturally led me to consider this for myself.  Not in a religious beliefs sort of way because I'm firmly planted in my Christian faith, but as I see what other people stand for/believe in/represent to others it made me question my life.  Added to that, I was watching tv and one character called another a "side part and curl under" kinda girl.  She was referring to those women whose hair is parted on the side and curled under because they just want to get by without much attention or making waves in life.  They're too afraid to take a risk...so afraid they won't even take risks to stand out with something as menial as hair.  (I write this blog for myself, but I realize others read it as well.  Which is why I feel the need to clarify something here for the readers who aren't African American (AA) women.  I'm well aware that hair is definitely more important than "menial" to women...especially AA women.  Books and songs and essays have been written, and much better than I shall ever do, on the topic of hair and the AA woman.  However, that isn't the point at the moment and as such hair is being labeled "menial" for the purpose of the bigger picture.)

And so I wonder.  In what ways have I kept the status quo simply for the sake of not making others uncomfortable?  Or putting myself in a place that makes me nervous or fearful?  What do I believe?  In what areas am I a "side part and curl under" girl?  Because I know I am literally and figuratively.

Maybe it's simply the newness of the year, but I can't help but be excited about 2011.  I truly feel like God has a huge things planned for me.  Already I've been faced with some huge future decisions that may come to fruition in the next few months and I'm way excited about it!  Change isn't always easy or fun.  No doubt I will be required to give up some things and some people that I love, but I don't want to forever be a "side part and curl under" kinda person.  I want to explore and live and discover.  I want to see and know what's out there.  I want to experience and fully embrace what He has in store for me.

I want to know what I believe.

This is a post from this summer that I started and never finished.  It still holds true for me so I decided to go ahead and finish it up and post it...

I was born and raised in TX.  I consider and will always consider myself Texan.  I don't, however, consider Texas a Southern state.  There is much Southern influence, but we aren't Southern.  We're our own brand of Southern hospitality mixed in with some Wild West adventure and good ol' Texas kick ass attitude.  And even though I no longer live in TX, old Southern influenced habits die hard.  Specifically in reference to church, my first reaction is to dress up for church and never leave home without my Bible.

Which is why I've struggled with the new technology age I find myself apart of and what it means for the Body of Christ.

I attend the Saturday night services which is admittedly more relaxed than the traditional Sunday morning services-even at my laid back church.  However, I recently attended Sunday morning services and was brought up short by a random couple I saw heading to their seats.  They carried cups of coffee and keys.  Nothing else.

Where were their Bibles?  I was struck by the fact that they appeared comfortable in the church setting-they were not carrying the typical visitor gift bags and they walked right in to seats without seeking the direction of the greeters-so I assumed they were regulars.  And they didn't have Bibles.  My first thought was I Thes. 5:20-21 where Paul urges the Thessalonians to not scoff at prophecies, but to test everything that is said.  I've heard several pastors, including my own, say not to automatically believe everything he says, to verify, and know the Word for yourself.  It instantly made me sad for them, for me, for this culture that automatically accepts the words of others without question.  Is this the type of Christianity/church atmosphere my nephew and niece will grow up in?  A world of Christians simply waiting for the church to project Scripture onto a screen with no one seeking the truth for themselves?

I saw a guy the other night using his iPhone as a Bible.  I think it's great that people can easily access Scripture from wherever they are, but I remember easily accessing Scripture with the pocket Bible in my backpack.  Our lead pastor even made a joke about how he knew the people pulling out their phones were looking at the Bible and not texting.  It just makes me sad.  I know how my thoughts can run away with me, but in that moment I mourned the loss of simpler times...if growing up in the 80's can be considered simpler times.  I don't believe that not carrying a Bible to church makes one less of a Christian or less knowledgeable about the Bible, but I do know 10 years ago you'd be harder pressed to find those in church without their Bible than you would now.  What will the next 10 years look like?

It's not that I think going to church without a Bible is sinful.  It's what could grow out of this new freedom that worries me.  I can't and won't even begin question anothers relationship with Christ.  Heck, it's often the ones with the Bibles and in leadership who are the furthest from God.  But I worry that the Body is setting herself up for failure.  I did some searching on this and found that Bible sales in bookstores, Christian or otherwise, have decreased over the last couple of years.  But online Bible sales have gone up.  And this isn't just buying Bibles online, but buying online versions of the Bible.  The Bible has gone from a book to a PDF file on our computers.

I personally find great pleasure in sitting with my Bible and a cup of coffee or tea in my reading nook and learning more about Him.  I worry our desire for instant gratification in everything will and has caused us to squeeze Jesus into even more of a tiny drop of our lives.  If we can get our Jesus fix on the go, why get up earlier in the morning?  This isn't to say I don't try to squeeze Jesus into my life or that you'll always find me up at 5am reading my Bible.  More often than not, I fail at getting up early and reading my Bible.  Sometimes my time with Him is prayer while at work, listening to a sermon online or that I've downloaded to listen to while driving, or a worship CD on my way to work.  I know there are multitudes of ways to spend time with Him.  I just fear that the old tried and true way, reading the Bible, is disappearing.

Thoughts?

I've often heard of guys saying they get snubbed by women while trying to do the gentlemanly thing.  But I've never been witness to it.  Until this week.

When you work at Duke, you have to park in one place and then take a bus to the hospital.  And they charge monthly for parking miles from where I need to be!  Anyway.  I was on the bus and it was overcrowded as usual when several women got on at the last stop.  After a couple of seconds the gentleman next to me stood up and offered his seat to one of the women standing.  I thought it was an extremely nice thing to do considering I've only seen one person give their seat up and it was a woman standing so that a pregnant woman could sit.  Anyway, home slice had the audacity to look him  up and down, look at her friend as if she was annoyed he'd offered and said no.  I was livid.  The gentleman stood for the remainder of the ride leaving the seat open for her and she never took it.

I must confess that I don't know if they knew each other so maybe her response was because she knew that would lead to him asking her out again or they had a history and she was trying to not complicate things.  I dunno.  I also find those scenarios highly unlikely.  I know I shouldn't speculate when I don't know the full story, but I was outraged to see her snub him the way she did.  And was probably talking about not having a good man within hours of that ride.  Okay, again, I probably shouldn't say that.  I don't know either of them.  But I do know women.  And the look she gave her friend wasn't one of shocked appreciation, but one of indignation and outrage that he'd do something as backwoods as offer her his seat.

What has become of our society that women snub men for things like that?  I'm not the type of women to stand at a door until a man opens it or runs to get the door for myself.  I simply fully appreciate and thank the man who does.  I love being treated like a lady.  Sadly, I think women have worked so hard to be considered equals to men that they've lost the sense of what it means to be treated like a woman.  And what burns me up even more is that we aren't equal to men anyway.  Any poll or survey will tell you women still make less than men and to be a woman who makes more you have to be young and hot.   I heard John Tesh (yes, I listen and enjoy "Intelligence for Your Life") say that the highest earning man is slightly overweight, in his 30's, married with a family.  The highest earning female, still making less than the man, is size 4 to 6, young, dresses well, and wears heels.  Um, what!?!  So with these kind of odds stacked against women I can somewhat understand women's disdain for men...somewhat.

I still think she acted ugly towards the gentleman on the bus.  I don't think women will be getting equal pay anytime soon.  I hate that men are getting burned for treating women as women and are now starting to treat women as asexual beings who can do for themselves.  And I really hate that those of us who appreciate a good man treating us like women are getting the shaft because other women only want independence and equality from men.  And don't get me started on the proven and sad trend of dating and marriage for the college-educated black woman.  It makes me sad to see how sin has changed our world and how far we are from what God's original plan was.  May we turn back to the foundation of our creation and of this great country and seek God's face.