Let's just skip the awkward 'it's been a while' thing and just jump right in!

2013 has kinda sucked so far.  Well, not completely completely, but health-wise it's sucked.  I've been to the ER and urgent care.  I've thrown up more times in the last month and a half than I did all of 2011 AND 2012.  I've called out of work more times since the beginning of the year than I ever have since I started working at 15 years old.  Even now, I need to go to the doctor because of joint pain I have, but I've yet to call.  Mainly because I'm scared.  But that's not what this post is about.

It's about the things I've crossed off my 30 Before 30 list!

By no stretch of the imagination have I been as successful as I originally hoped, but I have gotten some things done.  And I've had a blast doing it.  And hopefully will get to cross more off in the coming weeks.  Like, I'm going to NYC...Broadway show maybe (#13)!?!  And next week is poker night so I better be somewhat proficient because I have a boss ready to take my money (#26)!  And there are definite plans to go to the large cat reservation in Pittsboro.  Petting a tiger anyone (#12)!?!  In the meantime, let's see what can get crossed off now!


1. Run a half marathon.  (Completed April 2012)

2. Be conversational in Spanish. (After growing up in TX and having taken tons of Spanish classes from 6th through college, I'm still not fluent.  That. Will. Change.)

3. Own a pair of bona fide natural pearls. (I love mine, but they're cultured not natural.)

4. Read the entire Bible.  (I've done this once in high school, but I admit it was a little suspect.  I think I skimmed more than I actually read and understood.  And I definitely don't remember enough to warrant claiming having done this.)

5. Host a legit movie marathon.  And convince my friends to make it a full fledged slumber party :)

6. Get certified to carry a concealed handgun.

7. Learn how to pick a lock and break into somewhere.  (It'll probably be a friend's house as I don't want to go to jail, but break in I will!)

8. Crash a stranger's wedding.  (I'm not sure where this idea came from, but I've already secured a partner in crime!)

9. Go to the airport and just fly somewhere.
10. Buy a really nice dress and got out for a ridiculously expensive dinner/evening out. I'm counting NYE here because I was wearing new clothes and it was an expensive and wonderful dinner/night.

11. Visit an acupuncturist. (The thought of needles in my face scares me, as it should, but I'm still very intrigued!)

12. Pet a tiger.  (There's a wildcat sanctuary somewhat near me.  It's gonna happen!)

13. See a show on Broadway.

14. Make something with my sewing machine. I made my nieces aprons and my mom an infinity scarf for Christmas.

15. Send someone a note in the mail at least once a month. (I'm hoping to do this more than once a month, but let's be realistic here.)

16. Read at least 10 books from this list. (Yes, I realize it's Wikipedia, but all the lists I came across this one seemed the best.  Or at least better than some of the others.)

17. Find and wear a bikini next summer.

18. Take a train ride somewhere.

19. Have the ability to go out to dinner with friends and pay for everyone's meal. NYE we went out to Five Star in downtown Raleigh and I felt ridiculously blessed to be able to pay for everyone's meal.  It felt great to be able to do that for my loves!

20. Make souffle.  (I had the most ah-mazing Tupelo Honey Souffle at the Gaylord Hotel in Orlando back in February.  And I'm going to TRY and recreate that decadent amazingness.)

21. Plant, grow, and keep a pot of hydrangeas alive. (I really should give up on trying to grow things, but one more try!)

22. Try a class that isn't typically "me."

23. Do at least one selfless, and if possible anonymous, thing a month.(Again, the goal is more than once a month, but I'm going to start small and work my way up!)

24. Meet and get a picture with someone famous.

25. Hike the Appalachian Trail. (Definitely not the entire thing, but enough to say I actually spent __ days hiking.)

26. Be proficient at playing at least one of these-golf, chess, tennis, poker, checkers...

27. Run a second half marathon and get my time under 2:30.

28. Journal every day about something I'm thankful for/blessed by/encouraged, etc.

29. Memorize a Scripture verse a week. (I may have to go old school and put the verse to music.  Apparently all the verses I learned were set to song and I usually have to sing to remember the entire verse.)

30. I'm keeping this one open for good measure...

FAMILY!

 

That Dr. Seuss is a smart one.

 

Seriously, though, this perfectly expresses something I've been feeling lately.  I ADORE my family.  There are times that we talk several times a week.  Other times it's just once a week.  But we keep in constant communication between emails, texts, calls, and Skype.  But even still it's not the same as being with them, being involved with the everyday of each other's lives, living life together.

 

But in His infinite wisdom and love, God gave me an amazing group of people who, in their own ways, fill that void of knowing and being known.  When I sit and think about it, I'm not completely sure what keeps us together.  Some are musical, others are better with tools, some are better with logistics, still another with encouragement.  We don't have the same dreams, goals, or plans.  Our pasts are varied and our insecurities are many.  We have different opinions on politics.

 

But I love them.  And they love me.

 

It's easy to throw around the word "love" without really understand it's meaning.  Especially among friends.  But I truly love these people with my whole heart.  I miss them when they aren't around.  I pray for them, for their days, their jobs, their appointments.  I know their likes and dislikes.  I know their hurts and fears.  But what speaks to my heart the most is knowing acceptance when I'm with them.

 

When my fear causes me to withdraw, I get a sweet message.  Not pressuring or yelling, but gently reminding me to trust them.  When I'm in a bad mood, I get called out, but then encouraged to find the root of my attitude.  I get sound advice.  I've had lots of groups of friends that I've cared for, but never really felt completely comfortable around.  A lot of that has had to do with my reticence to be open and vulnerable and was no fault of anyone else's other than my own.  But I feel like I've finally gotten to the place of being willing to share my burdens with others, to walk alongside them and help carry theirs, to be a part of something bigger, something more.

 

I've found those whose weirdness is compatible to mine.  And it's wonderful and scary and just about the best thing ever!

I don't know about this...

Dating.

Why?  Just why?

I want to get married and have kids. But I've decided I want to do it without having to date.

Don't get me wrong.  I like dates.  I enjoy the flirting that leads to the asking out, the looking for a new outfit or dressing up one I already have, the free coffee/meal/dessert or whatever it is that the date entails, the getting to know someone.

But more often than not, any date I go on isn't like that.  The initial flirting often breeds insecurity and confusion of "is he really flirting or is he just nice?" or I'll pull the awkward 13 year old thing of "he's really attractive so I'm going to sit here and not say a blasted thing" until hours later when all the flirty and chatty things THEN come to mind.  Or the stress of what to wear that causes a breakout which causes more stress which makes me drink Dr Pepper like it's my job...and perpetuates the breakout.  And the overwhelming stress of what to say and how to keep the conversation moving and interesting while trying to be attractive, open without being "that" girl who is too open while working to keep my weird habits under wraps that keeps me from fully enjoying the evening.

And this isn't insecurity or me being girl cray and letting my imagination run away with me.  It's literal real world experience because nothing in my life is normal.

There's the black guy who I honest to goodness thought was white guy...and actually made a comment about him having a "black" name...because I thought he was white.  I didn't find out until the next morning that he was born with no skin pigmentation so he looked white.  In my defense, it was quite dim in my apartment, but still.

Or the guy who I was emailing who in the middle of the email gave a shout out to his dead grandparents.  Um, what!?!  I respect the fact that you love and miss them, but please don't RIP Grandmom and Pops in the middle of an email to me. Too far.

There was the Christian guy who said although he believed in waiting until after marriage for sex, he wouldn't be upset if we "accidently" had sex.  Huh?  An accident is batheing with conditioner instead of body wash (don't judge, it happens).  I may not have had a lot of sex, but I'm pretty sure there's no accident to getting undressed and jumping in the sack with someone.

And there was the Italian guy who moved from NY, we met in college, and went out one night.  He said when his family moved out of NY his dad legally changed their last name.  An Italian from NY who legally got his last name changed?  Very sweet guy, but probably not a good idea to get mixed up in that.  Especially after he got the nickname Caddy and showed up the next semester driving a Cadillac.  Not normal for a college student.  Moving on...

And let us not forget the baseball catcher, who I should've stayed far away from because, let's be honest, baseball players are always trouble.  We'd flirted and hung out and just had fun...no worries though.  I'm not that kind of girl.  He asked me to go out with him one night after a game, but the next day was going to be a long one so I decided to stay in.  The next morning he wasn't at the game.  Why?  He'd gotten pulled over for a missing tail light and then TAKEN TO JAIL when the cop smelled weed.  I cannot nor do I even want to begin to imagine what that night could've looked like for me.

So, yeah.  It's pretty pathetic.  These weren't even relationships.  Heck, the were barely dates and still they were disasters.  Clearly dating isn't my thing.  So I've decided to go the way of Oona here and wait until someone can implant me with a timer.  Or my parents get fed up of my not adding to the grandchild posse and arrange a marriage.

Either one will work for me.

Too Fast!!!

I'm still not sure it happened.  Or when.  But from what I've been told, my little pal here started Kindergarten Monday.  And I might have been 1400 miles away from him.  And still cried.

I vividly remember when and where I was when my brother called to say my SIL was pregnant.  I remember the changed plans and unneeded trip to Fayetteville because we were sure this was the night (it wasn't!).

And I remember actually holding him for the first time.

I don't know about romantic love at first sight, but I do know about aunt/nephew love at first sight. I love both of my nieces and my nephew unconditionally and without question, but this boy and I will always have a special bond.  He is my first nephew.  From the moment we met there was mutual adoration.  He's the first person who has ever actually jumped and clapped from excitement when he sees me.

He has my heart.

And he's growing up.  And it's super scary.  I've heard having kids is like taking your heart out and having it walk around while giving others the ability to hurt it.  I'm not even his parent, but I can relate to that.  I worry about this kid.  I pray for this kid.  I adore this kid.  And I'm super proud of this kid.  I can't imagine my life without him in it.  I love him with a fierceness I didn't even know was possible.

And now that I miss him all over again, I'm gonna go Skype my favorite Kindergartener and find out how his week is going!

More Specks and Planks

I came back like I promised!

Through everything that happened with S, acknowledging and verbalizing what I was feeling, owning up to my faults, repenting and seeking forgiveness, etc. my personal life has also been changed and for the better. Through this wonderfully painful process Matthew 7:1-5 has been running through my head (hence the title of these blog posts).

"Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye." (emphasis mine)

I'm guilty of being that person who says something that I shouldn't, but follow it up with "so let's be praying for him/her" as if that absolves me of the sin of gossip. Or use my frustrations as a way to gossip and then ask for advice about how to deal with him/her and think that makes it permissible. It doesn't. It's nothing more than pettiness, slander, gossip, and insecurity on my part. And as Jesus has been calling me out and illuminating several things in my life, He also pointed to this.

Society says this addressing of more sin, laying myself bear before another is unfortunate or shows weakness, but I don't see it that way at all! I truly truly rejoice in this! I mean, let's be honest, I don't rejoice EVERY time Jesus points out sin, but this time it had such a wonderful resolution! And by uncovering the sin I'm growing closer to Him and more like Him and in this case closer to another.

Long story short, I sat down with AC, random initials that don't actually have anything to do with this person's name, and apologized for some serious ugliness in me that has been directed at them. Side note: My parents always taught us to be specific in our prayers and apologies. They believed just saying sorry doesn't address what you're apologizing for and can invalidate another's feelings if they feel you're just throwing around the words "I'm sorry". So as I sat there somewhat afraid this person would hate me for the extreme ugliness I've displayed, I laid out various attitudes and situations for which I was apologizing. I can tell you it wasn't fun. Seeing and acknowledging your sin is hard enough, especially in an age when everyone is striving to seem more professional, put together, rich, secure, etc than they really are, but laying it all out before another is just straight up excruciating.

But then they uttered the words that I didn't deserve..."I forgive you." I cannot even begin to describe the healing and lightness that flooded my heart at that moment. I know I tend to be dramatic, but even as I type I still feel that giddiness of sitting across from AC and hearing those words and seeing the truth in their eyes. I spent far too much time looking at what I felt was a speck in them to notice what really was a plank in me.

As with my work situation, this change in mine and AC's relationship will have effects in other relationships. We've discussed some areas in which we can grow together and challenge those around us. I'm very excited about the changes taking place in my life, AC's life, our relationship, and the relationships of our little familial unit. It would be so easy to stop here and be content with the positive changes I've made, but I want to keep going. I want Jesus to continue to show me areas that need to be changed, to dig out the ugliness, to be more like Him. It scares me more than a little, but I'm so excited to continue to grow in my relationship with the Lord!

Praise God, from Whom all blessings flow;

Praise Him, all creatures here below;

Praise Him above, ye heavenly host;

Praise Father, Son, and Holy Ghost.

Specks and Planks

It never ceases to amaze me how it feels like I just posted when in actuality it's been a month.  Time flies when you're having fun, right!?!  Eh, I'll go with it.

I've had lots of different things rolling around in my head of late.  It sometimes seems like nothing and everything in particular.  But this time it was and blog worthy.  Well, in my estimation anyway :)

I had a chat with a co-worker about a month ago.  I adore T!  Her attitude, her work ethic, how she treats others...you can just tell that she's a great person.  So I was excited to learn that she was a Christian as well because one thing I've always wanted was a work mentor, but so many people are all about the money or stepping on others to get what you want.  T isn't like that was I was super excited to FINALLY have someone I can talk to, vent to, model myself after.  Anyway, as much as I love love love my job, there was a period of it being ridiculously stressful.  S and I job share the admin position (I work mornings and she does afternoons) and then I do special projects and other stuff the rest of the day.  When I interviewed and was hired I knew this would be the way things are, but I needed a job so bad I didn't care if it was part time.  But then they needed me full time.  So for two months I covered it all myself and then suddenly I was having to share what I had been doing alone.  It was a very difficult transition for me.  Made even more so by another person trying to be all involved when they weren't at all.

Stressed didn't even begin to describe what I was feeling.  I felt that my job was in jeopardy.  I was working so hard to try to be the best and not get forgotten in the newness of S.  And I was competitive.  Like whoa.  I didn't want anyone to like her more than they liked me so I was finding all sorts of public things to do that would make people realize how vital and needed I was.  And S was doing the same.  It was bad.

But by the grace of God, T stepped in.  We sat down to talk about some work stuff one day and the conversation flowed to what she was noticing.  She saw how extra person was all up in our, mine and S's, business, she saw S and I both working hard to out do each other and the strain it was putting on me.  Side note: it sometimes takes me a while to process my thoughts and feelings.  I can recognize what I'm feeling, but I need time to dig through it all to figure out the root of it and how to deal with it.  That said, even though I was stressed out I was so busy trying to stay ahead that I wasn't taking the time to process what was driving those feelings.  T was able to express what she was seeing and what was concerning her and it perfectly described what I was feeling, but unable to verbalize.  Long story short, after talking with T, I was able to go to S, who is also a Christian, and apologize for my behavior.  She had been feeling much the same way that I had and we were able to find an amazing balance.  Since then S and I have experienced a level of honesty and vulnerability that I've shared in very few relationships.  It's been wonderful!  That's not to say we don't get on each other's nerves, but I literally thank God quite often for bringing T and S into my life.

It's late.  More tomorrow...

Love Covers All

This week has been rough.  Professionally and personally things have been cray and it's left me very hurt and angry.  Like I'm not sure who I can or should trust.  It's this same feeling that causes me to pull back from people because just as I think I can trust someone something happens that leaves me hurting, insecure, and confused.

But I also realize I'm capable of causing that same kind of hurt to others.

And just as I need and desire their forgiveness, I'm choosing to do the same.  It's quite unintuitive.  My feelings call out for revenge and recompense.  But I know that's not right by any stretch of the imagination.  So I'm choosing to walk in forgiveness and not let these feelings take over.  I'm choosing to acknowledge the hurt and pain so that I don't do the same to another.  I'm choosing to love because I can see their actions, though ugly, stem from hurt and insecurity.

Let the past sleep, but let it sleep on the bosom of Christ. Leave the Irreparable Past in His hands, and step out into the Irresistible Future with Him. -Oswald Chambers