Failure, real or perceived, is one of my biggest fears. I constantly struggle to find the balance between surrendering my life and goals to God while realizing my responsibility to make plans. I don't want to be that person who prays and prays for God to reveal His plan, but never moves. He has equipped me with the tools to act. Through prayer, spending time with Him, and seeking gut-wrenching honesty and wisdom from those I respect I test those plans against His Word. But like anyone else, I'm not a fan of those plans being thwarted. Or disappointing those who may be depending on me. Or explaining why plans I had spoken of didn't work out the way I had described.

True or not, it all translates as failure to me. It feels like failure of my faith, my ability to plan, my person. It scares me. And although I'm not proud of it, I've come to realize that it's not only the fear of man that I need to deal with, but that this is a fear that's larger and more prominent in my life than my fear of God. I wish I could just be over it, but I don't know how to get past this.

I honestly don't think God causes bad things to happen in my life in order to teach me a lesson or to make me bend to His will, but I struggle with the thought of His using the very object of my fears, failure, as a way to teach me how to depend on Him. In one sense I think walking it out it is a logical way to face and get over that or any other fear, but that isn't always the best way to handle something. I realize a fear of something that has such a grip on my life is crippling and lends itself to putting God in a box He was never meant to be in, but I'm not sure how to "get over it."

But regardless of my philosophy of fears, I've found myself where I never wanted to be...failed. It's at this point, in an effort to encourage myself, that I'd love to insert some inspirational quote about failure making one stronger or some other such crap, but I can't. Failure isn't fun or easy. It can't be summed up by quoting some lame cliche. It hurts like hell. I wish I could blame it on someone or something else or take comfort in the fact that I'm not completely responsible for these current circumstances, but I can't do that. I just want to lash out, to make someone feel the same pain I feel. But I can't do that either. I'm finding that grieving and being angry while not sinning is very hard and with it being at a time that I'm already feeling kicked and bruised I just want to give in to my flesh and rage...against anyone or anything.

In my struggle with wanting to divert responsibility, my mom urged me to read Psalm 51. It's David's response after Nathan called him out on his sin with Bathsheba. When Nathan first came to David he told him a story of a rich man, with lots of sheep, who took the one beloved sheep of a poor man to feed to his guest. David, seemingly very right in his outrage, said the rich man had to pay retribution for his actions. What David didn't expect was for Nathan to say he was the rich man-he acted no differently with Bathsheba than the rich man with the sheep.

When she told me what Psalm 51 was about I was ready to mentally check out. Why would I need to read that? I didn't kill, steal, or fornicate. But I read it.

Have mercy on me,O God, according to your steadfast love;

According to your abundant mercy blot out my transgressions. Wash me thoroughly from my iniquity, and cleanse me from my sin!

For I know my transgressions, and my sin is ever before me.
Against you, you only, have I sinned and done what is evil in your sight, so that you may be justified in your words and blameless in your judgment. Behold, I was brought forth in iniquity, and in sin did my mother conceive me. Behold, you delight in truth in the inward being, and you teach me wisdom in the secret heart.

Purge me with hyssop, and I shall be clean; wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow. Let me hear joy and gladness;let the bones that you have broken rejoice. Hide your face from my sins, and blot out all my iniquities. Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me. Cast me not away from your presence, and take not your Holy Spirit from me. Restore to me the joy of your salvation, and uphold me with a willing spirit.

Then I will teach transgressors your ways, and sinners will return to you. Deliver me from bloodguiltiness, O God, O God of my salvation,

and my tongue will sing aloud of your righteousness. Lord, open my lips, and my mouth will declare your praise. For you will not delight in sacrifice, or I would give it; you will not be pleased with a burnt offering. The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise (vs. 1-17, ESV; underlining mine).

...my sin is ever before me...you may be justified in your words and blameless in your judgment...create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me...the sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise...

These verses remind me that regardless of my or anyone's actions in any situation, I was born with a sinful nature. My sin is ever before me and always against Him so He is completely justified in any words about me and His blameless judgment of me. So regardless of who is "right" in this particular situation, I'm still woefully short on "rightness" in other more important areas. So essentially, I've already failed. My sin separates me from perfect harmony with my Abba.

I'm an eternal failure. Huh. That's exponentially worse than my original fears. But it comes with a sense of relief. He already knows the ugliness in me yet He still went to the Cross. He saw something, He saw me and felt I was worth an unimaginable death.

Praise God, from Whom all blessings flow;
Praise Him, all creatures here below;
Praise Him above, ye heavenly host;
Praise Father, Son, and Holy Ghost. Amen.

The wanderlust is back. Actually it's been back for a while intertweaving itself between my conscious and subconscious thoughts. I'm ready for another adventure, to go somewhere. It's very tempting to go meet my family when my lease runs out at the end of next month. Or maybe DC. It's hands down my favorite city and I have a few friends in the area who would be great contacts/resources. Goodness knows I've already been looking.

I wonder what's next...

When my family moved back to Texas I knew I'd miss them, but I never thought the depth of missing them would be like this. I love my family. Always have. But in the last two years we've all grown closer than ever before. It's not always been fun or easy...there have been arguments, hurt feelings, anger, frustration. But there has also been lots of unconditional love, forgiveness, restoration, healing.

Quite honestly I never thought it could be this way. I spent a lot of my growing up years trying to distance myself from my family. God has recently been showing me the walls I've put up between me and my family, why they need to come down, and ways in which to do that. The openness and honesty I now share with my family, both of my parents, my brother, and sister-in-law, is amazing. My mom and I have had a pretty solid relationship since college, but it's gotten even better. I've made an effort to open up and share things with her and my dad that in the past I'd have kept to myself and it's amazing.

God loves community. And He put me in the midst of an awesome one. Unfortunately, I've neglected them for wanting what and who I thought was the perfect community. The older I get the more I realize that other than God there is no one in this universe more important than my family. I cannot even begin to express the gratitude and love I have for them, for their forgiveness.

I was talking to a friend and I was telling her how even though it was ridiculously short I was so grateful to see my parents last month. I'm so thankful that God put them in my life as a physical expression of His love for me. I can't even fully wrap my mind around how much my parents love me and their love is only a small drop in the bucket of how much God loves me and wants me. It hurts my heart to think I'm loved that much, to know Someone would literally die for me. Wow. May my life be an expression of gratitude and thankfulness for this amazing, undeserved gift.

Today was a pretty crappy day. Actually crappy doesn't even begin to really describe it. It was the kind of day where you look up to see the bottom. But even then I saw God's hand in my life. Not in the overabundance of blessing, life is ridiculously easy right now kinda way, but He was working all the same. Maybe I'll talk about it after I decompress and can look at things logically. Now is not that time. I've pretty much done nothing but cry the last 2 weeks. Life is stressful on all sides at the moment. But right now, I've washed off the makeup, pulled my hair up, I'm wearing my favorite sweat pants that are at least 2 sizes too big, eating a bowl of cinnamon toast crunch, and watching a movie. I am very happy right now. Happy indeed.

I got to see my parents this weekend. It wasn’t for long at all…maybe a hour tops. They were back in NC for a marriage retreat that they had paid for before they moved back to Texas. They really wanted to be at the retreat so they came back. After it was over I drove and met them before they had to get back on the road.

It was the most wonderful and the hardest hour of my life.

There is nothing more comforting or welcoming or safe than being wrapped up in my parents arms. I didn’t have to be strong or brave. I didn’t have to worry about bills or deadlines or errands. I got to be their little girl again. And as it has become my new MO, I cried like a baby.

And it was just what I needed.

I realized two things though. First, home really is where your heart is. Corny I know, but it doesn't matter where my parents live, how big of a house anyone has, what jobs we have, home is being with my family, in my parents arms. Even if it was just for a moment, my heart sighed. I was safe, protected, and at rest. Second, as wonderfully great as it was to see my parents, it made me realize, again, how much God loves me. In that moment of having to say goodbye to them again, for the second time in as many months actually, I understood heartache. The separation felt like it was going to be my demise. My separation from my parents was due to life...jobs, callings, responsibilities. Jesus' separation from His Father was through no fault of His own.

He had done nothing, but obey, love, and cherish others. In that moment, as He hung on the cross, He wanted to be with God, He wanted to not be alone. But He willingly took on that loneliness and pain so that I wouldn't have live with that I wouldn't have to bear that. That's some seriously intense love.

At a recent coffee date with one of my faves, living the life we were created to live came up. We agreed that we feel God calling us to live above and beyond where we are now, but that the thought of what that means is very scary.

God has glaringly brought it to my attention that I’ve allowed that fear and the worship of man to control me. It breaks my heart that after all the years of being a Christian I still consistently struggle to keep God first in my life. Although I think anything that brings me to a place of repentance is a good thing, it still hurts. And when others are hurt because of my sin it seems even worse.

I realize that everyone must make their own decisions, but I also know that my actions do have an effect on the lives of others. And although Christ saved me from a life of guilt because of my actions, I still feel it. I realize that just as God offered me opportunities to change and obey Him, no doubt He also presented others with similar opportunities to obey. But when I see how my disobedience, regardless of anyone else’s, ripples out to those in my life, my heart breaks. And when my disobedience combines with someone else’s it’s even worse. Which is where I am right now.

I’ve been given numerous opportunities to speak truth, but I instead chose convenience, the path of least resistance, comfort. And I didn’t live up to my God given role. And I feel as if I failed God, others, and myself.

Perhaps God doesn’t consider it a failure. But I think of being a kid and my parents wanting me to do my chores. They didn’t want to do them later, they wanted them done now. They took delight in my obedience. Of course, there were times when I’d not do them right away and they’d fuss. Sure, I might have gotten them done eventually, but after having to say something several times it would seem the delight dwindled. Did they still delight in my obedience when it came after much disobedience? It seems very doubtful.

And that’s how I feel right now with God. I can’t imagine Him being pleased with my just deciding to get in line with what He wants when it was preceded with much disobedience. I know He loves me regardless, the Cross is a huge testament to that, but in my human thinking I can’t imagine Him actually being pleased with my delayed obedience. Forget pleased, I can’t imagine anyone even caring that I just now decided to obey. I know His ways are beyond my comprehension, but I’m having a hard time accepting His forgiveness. And that it hurt others of His creation at the same time seems so much worse. I feel like I’m 0 for 2.

My heart hurts. It aches for the others I hurt by my disobedience. It bleeds for my own pain. I was warned of this, encouraged to turn from it, but I didn’t see it as disobedience. I didn’t view it as sin. So I kept on. And with all things, I was forced to reckon with my decisions. Not an easy or comfortable thing to do. And not just one decision, but multiple decisions that have broken my heart. I wish I could have a good cry and maybe ease some of this pain, but no luck. I feel no comfort.

“O Lord, how long will you forget me? Forever? How long will you look the other way? How long must I struggle with anguish in my soul, with sorrow in my heart every day?” Psalm 13:1-2

This taxes thing really has me all...I don't know...questioning. I had the chance to talk with a couple of friends about it. Both said they've never given enough for it to really make a difference when filing taxes, but they do claim their tithes. When questioned further, one friend was taught that claiming their donations and possibly getting money back was an earthly reward for obeying God. The other didn't really say much, but somewhat agreed with what the first said. Logically speaking, I can understand that teaching, but Biblically I don't see any basis in which to teach that. And it's from that standpoint from where I want to solve this.

Despite not feeling as if I'm any closer to an answer, God has used this as an opportunity to show me areas of pride in my life. To be convicted of sin so that I may become more like Him is definitely a good thing, but not necessarily fun or easy. God showed me where even in my not talking about my donations to others, I took an inordinate amount of pride in seeing what I gave each year. It's one thing to be excited to see how you've been blessed and have been able to bless others, but it's a completely different to look at it as if you've done something yourself...which is how I acted. My attitude embarrasses me, but it has also brought me to repentance.

So, I don't have an answer. I've not really prayed and sought God's voice on this issue as much as I'd have liked, but I'm okay with that. That's not to say I won't continue to pray about it, but I've come to a decision that I'm content with. Maybe God will change my heart on this. Or maybe someone will be able to explain their reasoning in a way that would get me to change. I dunno. But I'm okay with where I stand on the issue. Because if nothing else this journey brought me to repentance...and there's nowhere I'd rather be than at the foot of the Cross.