Failure, real or perceived, is one of my biggest fears. I constantly struggle to find the balance between surrendering my life and goals to God while realizing my responsibility to make plans. I don't want to be that person who prays and prays for God to reveal His plan, but never moves. He has equipped me with the tools to act. Through prayer, spending time with Him, and seeking gut-wrenching honesty and wisdom from those I respect I test those plans against His Word. But like anyone else, I'm not a fan of those plans being thwarted. Or disappointing those who may be depending on me. Or explaining why plans I had spoken of didn't work out the way I had described.
True or not, it all translates as failure to me. It feels like failure of my faith, my ability to plan, my person. It scares me. And although I'm not proud of it, I've come to realize that it's not only the fear of man that I need to deal with, but that this is a fear that's larger and more prominent in my life than my fear of God. I wish I could just be over it, but I don't know how to get past this.
I honestly don't think God causes bad things to happen in my life in order to teach me a lesson or to make me bend to His will, but I struggle with the thought of His using the very object of my fears, failure, as a way to teach me how to depend on Him. In one sense I think walking it out it is a logical way to face and get over that or any other fear, but that isn't always the best way to handle something. I realize a fear of something that has such a grip on my life is crippling and lends itself to putting God in a box He was never meant to be in, but I'm not sure how to "get over it."
But regardless of my philosophy of fears, I've found myself where I never wanted to be...failed. It's at this point, in an effort to encourage myself, that I'd love to insert some inspirational quote about failure making one stronger or some other such crap, but I can't. Failure isn't fun or easy. It can't be summed up by quoting some lame cliche. It hurts like hell. I wish I could blame it on someone or something else or take comfort in the fact that I'm not completely responsible for these current circumstances, but I can't do that. I just want to lash out, to make someone feel the same pain I feel. But I can't do that either. I'm finding that grieving and being angry while not sinning is very hard and with it being at a time that I'm already feeling kicked and bruised I just want to give in to my flesh and rage...against anyone or anything.
In my struggle with wanting to divert responsibility, my mom urged me to read Psalm 51. It's David's response after Nathan called him out on his sin with Bathsheba. When Nathan first came to David he told him a story of a rich man, with lots of sheep, who took the one beloved sheep of a poor man to feed to his guest. David, seemingly very right in his outrage, said the rich man had to pay retribution for his actions. What David didn't expect was for Nathan to say he was the rich man-he acted no differently with Bathsheba than the rich man with the sheep.
When she told me what Psalm 51 was about I was ready to mentally check out. Why would I need to read that? I didn't kill, steal, or fornicate. But I read it.
True or not, it all translates as failure to me. It feels like failure of my faith, my ability to plan, my person. It scares me. And although I'm not proud of it, I've come to realize that it's not only the fear of man that I need to deal with, but that this is a fear that's larger and more prominent in my life than my fear of God. I wish I could just be over it, but I don't know how to get past this.
I honestly don't think God causes bad things to happen in my life in order to teach me a lesson or to make me bend to His will, but I struggle with the thought of His using the very object of my fears, failure, as a way to teach me how to depend on Him. In one sense I think walking it out it is a logical way to face and get over that or any other fear, but that isn't always the best way to handle something. I realize a fear of something that has such a grip on my life is crippling and lends itself to putting God in a box He was never meant to be in, but I'm not sure how to "get over it."
But regardless of my philosophy of fears, I've found myself where I never wanted to be...failed. It's at this point, in an effort to encourage myself, that I'd love to insert some inspirational quote about failure making one stronger or some other such crap, but I can't. Failure isn't fun or easy. It can't be summed up by quoting some lame cliche. It hurts like hell. I wish I could blame it on someone or something else or take comfort in the fact that I'm not completely responsible for these current circumstances, but I can't do that. I just want to lash out, to make someone feel the same pain I feel. But I can't do that either. I'm finding that grieving and being angry while not sinning is very hard and with it being at a time that I'm already feeling kicked and bruised I just want to give in to my flesh and rage...against anyone or anything.
In my struggle with wanting to divert responsibility, my mom urged me to read Psalm 51. It's David's response after Nathan called him out on his sin with Bathsheba. When Nathan first came to David he told him a story of a rich man, with lots of sheep, who took the one beloved sheep of a poor man to feed to his guest. David, seemingly very right in his outrage, said the rich man had to pay retribution for his actions. What David didn't expect was for Nathan to say he was the rich man-he acted no differently with Bathsheba than the rich man with the sheep.
When she told me what Psalm 51 was about I was ready to mentally check out. Why would I need to read that? I didn't kill, steal, or fornicate. But I read it.
Have mercy on me,O God, according to your steadfast love;
According to your abundant mercy blot out my transgressions. Wash me thoroughly from my iniquity, and cleanse me from my sin!
For I know my transgressions, and my sin is ever before me.
Against you, you only, have I sinned and done what is evil in your sight, so that you may be justified in your words and blameless in your judgment. Behold, I was brought forth in iniquity, and in sin did my mother conceive me. Behold, you delight in truth in the inward being, and you teach me wisdom in the secret heart.
Purge me with hyssop, and I shall be clean; wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow. Let me hear joy and gladness;let the bones that you have broken rejoice. Hide your face from my sins, and blot out all my iniquities. Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me. Cast me not away from your presence, and take not your Holy Spirit from me. Restore to me the joy of your salvation, and uphold me with a willing spirit.
Then I will teach transgressors your ways, and sinners will return to you. Deliver me from bloodguiltiness, O God, O God of my salvation,
and my tongue will sing aloud of your righteousness. Lord, open my lips, and my mouth will declare your praise. For you will not delight in sacrifice, or I would give it; you will not be pleased with a burnt offering. The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise (vs. 1-17, ESV; underlining mine).For I know my transgressions, and my sin is ever before me.
Against you, you only, have I sinned and done what is evil in your sight, so that you may be justified in your words and blameless in your judgment. Behold, I was brought forth in iniquity, and in sin did my mother conceive me. Behold, you delight in truth in the inward being, and you teach me wisdom in the secret heart.
Purge me with hyssop, and I shall be clean; wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow. Let me hear joy and gladness;let the bones that you have broken rejoice. Hide your face from my sins, and blot out all my iniquities. Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me. Cast me not away from your presence, and take not your Holy Spirit from me. Restore to me the joy of your salvation, and uphold me with a willing spirit.
Then I will teach transgressors your ways, and sinners will return to you. Deliver me from bloodguiltiness, O God, O God of my salvation,
...my sin is ever before me...you may be justified in your words and blameless in your judgment...create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me...the sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise...
These verses remind me that regardless of my or anyone's actions in any situation, I was born with a sinful nature. My sin is ever before me and always against Him so He is completely justified in any words about me and His blameless judgment of me. So regardless of who is "right" in this particular situation, I'm still woefully short on "rightness" in other more important areas. So essentially, I've already failed. My sin separates me from perfect harmony with my Abba.
I'm an eternal failure. Huh. That's exponentially worse than my original fears. But it comes with a sense of relief. He already knows the ugliness in me yet He still went to the Cross. He saw something, He saw me and felt I was worth an unimaginable death.
Praise God, from Whom all blessings flow;
Praise Him, all creatures here below;
Praise Him above, ye heavenly host;
Praise Father, Son, and Holy Ghost. Amen.
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