Is there a parable that can further explain Christ's love for me in a way that I can better understand it as a single woman?

I was talking to two friends and somehow that question came up. I feel like marrieds and parents have a better hands on grasp of what it means to love. Only a parent can begin to truly understand what it was like when God had to turn His back on His Son. And only a married can relate to being pursued and desired like a bride and groom.

I don't have those experiences. But parents have an entirely different perspective as they have the ability to better understand what God must have gone through when turning away from Jesus because of the sin He took on. And the same for marrieds. Jesus' metaphors of the church being the bride and He the bridegroom mean more to one who has pursued and one who has been pursued.

I don't think He forgot about or is prejudiced against singles. I'm just wondering where is the 'ah hah!' moment that it seems marrieds and parents have that I don't as a single woman?

I was rushing from one thing to another the other day, but needed to shower. As usual, I was behind schedule and in a frantic rush which is never good when I'm trying to not cut myself as I shave. But I finished in record time and got out of the shower. Unfortunately, it was as I was towel drying my hair that I realized I hadn't actually washed me! My hair was clean and my arms and legs were shaved, but that's all I'd done. Argh. Back in the shower I went.

And that pretty much sums up the whole of my life right now.

Failure, real or perceived, is one of my biggest fears. I constantly struggle to find the balance between surrendering my life and goals to God while realizing my responsibility to make plans. I don't want to be that person who prays and prays for God to reveal His plan, but never moves. He has equipped me with the tools to act. Through prayer, spending time with Him, and seeking gut-wrenching honesty and wisdom from those I respect I test those plans against His Word. But like anyone else, I'm not a fan of those plans being thwarted. Or disappointing those who may be depending on me. Or explaining why plans I had spoken of didn't work out the way I had described.

True or not, it all translates as failure to me. It feels like failure of my faith, my ability to plan, my person. It scares me. And although I'm not proud of it, I've come to realize that it's not only the fear of man that I need to deal with, but that this is a fear that's larger and more prominent in my life than my fear of God. I wish I could just be over it, but I don't know how to get past this.

I honestly don't think God causes bad things to happen in my life in order to teach me a lesson or to make me bend to His will, but I struggle with the thought of His using the very object of my fears, failure, as a way to teach me how to depend on Him. In one sense I think walking it out it is a logical way to face and get over that or any other fear, but that isn't always the best way to handle something. I realize a fear of something that has such a grip on my life is crippling and lends itself to putting God in a box He was never meant to be in, but I'm not sure how to "get over it."

But regardless of my philosophy of fears, I've found myself where I never wanted to be...failed. It's at this point, in an effort to encourage myself, that I'd love to insert some inspirational quote about failure making one stronger or some other such crap, but I can't. Failure isn't fun or easy. It can't be summed up by quoting some lame cliche. It hurts like hell. I wish I could blame it on someone or something else or take comfort in the fact that I'm not completely responsible for these current circumstances, but I can't do that. I just want to lash out, to make someone feel the same pain I feel. But I can't do that either. I'm finding that grieving and being angry while not sinning is very hard and with it being at a time that I'm already feeling kicked and bruised I just want to give in to my flesh and rage...against anyone or anything.

In my struggle with wanting to divert responsibility, my mom urged me to read Psalm 51. It's David's response after Nathan called him out on his sin with Bathsheba. When Nathan first came to David he told him a story of a rich man, with lots of sheep, who took the one beloved sheep of a poor man to feed to his guest. David, seemingly very right in his outrage, said the rich man had to pay retribution for his actions. What David didn't expect was for Nathan to say he was the rich man-he acted no differently with Bathsheba than the rich man with the sheep.

When she told me what Psalm 51 was about I was ready to mentally check out. Why would I need to read that? I didn't kill, steal, or fornicate. But I read it.

Have mercy on me,O God, according to your steadfast love;

According to your abundant mercy blot out my transgressions. Wash me thoroughly from my iniquity, and cleanse me from my sin!

For I know my transgressions, and my sin is ever before me.
Against you, you only, have I sinned and done what is evil in your sight, so that you may be justified in your words and blameless in your judgment. Behold, I was brought forth in iniquity, and in sin did my mother conceive me. Behold, you delight in truth in the inward being, and you teach me wisdom in the secret heart.

Purge me with hyssop, and I shall be clean; wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow. Let me hear joy and gladness;let the bones that you have broken rejoice. Hide your face from my sins, and blot out all my iniquities. Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me. Cast me not away from your presence, and take not your Holy Spirit from me. Restore to me the joy of your salvation, and uphold me with a willing spirit.

Then I will teach transgressors your ways, and sinners will return to you. Deliver me from bloodguiltiness, O God, O God of my salvation,

and my tongue will sing aloud of your righteousness. Lord, open my lips, and my mouth will declare your praise. For you will not delight in sacrifice, or I would give it; you will not be pleased with a burnt offering. The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise (vs. 1-17, ESV; underlining mine).

...my sin is ever before me...you may be justified in your words and blameless in your judgment...create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me...the sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise...

These verses remind me that regardless of my or anyone's actions in any situation, I was born with a sinful nature. My sin is ever before me and always against Him so He is completely justified in any words about me and His blameless judgment of me. So regardless of who is "right" in this particular situation, I'm still woefully short on "rightness" in other more important areas. So essentially, I've already failed. My sin separates me from perfect harmony with my Abba.

I'm an eternal failure. Huh. That's exponentially worse than my original fears. But it comes with a sense of relief. He already knows the ugliness in me yet He still went to the Cross. He saw something, He saw me and felt I was worth an unimaginable death.

Praise God, from Whom all blessings flow;
Praise Him, all creatures here below;
Praise Him above, ye heavenly host;
Praise Father, Son, and Holy Ghost. Amen.

The wanderlust is back. Actually it's been back for a while intertweaving itself between my conscious and subconscious thoughts. I'm ready for another adventure, to go somewhere. It's very tempting to go meet my family when my lease runs out at the end of next month. Or maybe DC. It's hands down my favorite city and I have a few friends in the area who would be great contacts/resources. Goodness knows I've already been looking.

I wonder what's next...

When my family moved back to Texas I knew I'd miss them, but I never thought the depth of missing them would be like this. I love my family. Always have. But in the last two years we've all grown closer than ever before. It's not always been fun or easy...there have been arguments, hurt feelings, anger, frustration. But there has also been lots of unconditional love, forgiveness, restoration, healing.

Quite honestly I never thought it could be this way. I spent a lot of my growing up years trying to distance myself from my family. God has recently been showing me the walls I've put up between me and my family, why they need to come down, and ways in which to do that. The openness and honesty I now share with my family, both of my parents, my brother, and sister-in-law, is amazing. My mom and I have had a pretty solid relationship since college, but it's gotten even better. I've made an effort to open up and share things with her and my dad that in the past I'd have kept to myself and it's amazing.

God loves community. And He put me in the midst of an awesome one. Unfortunately, I've neglected them for wanting what and who I thought was the perfect community. The older I get the more I realize that other than God there is no one in this universe more important than my family. I cannot even begin to express the gratitude and love I have for them, for their forgiveness.

I was talking to a friend and I was telling her how even though it was ridiculously short I was so grateful to see my parents last month. I'm so thankful that God put them in my life as a physical expression of His love for me. I can't even fully wrap my mind around how much my parents love me and their love is only a small drop in the bucket of how much God loves me and wants me. It hurts my heart to think I'm loved that much, to know Someone would literally die for me. Wow. May my life be an expression of gratitude and thankfulness for this amazing, undeserved gift.

Today was a pretty crappy day. Actually crappy doesn't even begin to really describe it. It was the kind of day where you look up to see the bottom. But even then I saw God's hand in my life. Not in the overabundance of blessing, life is ridiculously easy right now kinda way, but He was working all the same. Maybe I'll talk about it after I decompress and can look at things logically. Now is not that time. I've pretty much done nothing but cry the last 2 weeks. Life is stressful on all sides at the moment. But right now, I've washed off the makeup, pulled my hair up, I'm wearing my favorite sweat pants that are at least 2 sizes too big, eating a bowl of cinnamon toast crunch, and watching a movie. I am very happy right now. Happy indeed.

I got to see my parents this weekend. It wasn’t for long at all…maybe a hour tops. They were back in NC for a marriage retreat that they had paid for before they moved back to Texas. They really wanted to be at the retreat so they came back. After it was over I drove and met them before they had to get back on the road.

It was the most wonderful and the hardest hour of my life.

There is nothing more comforting or welcoming or safe than being wrapped up in my parents arms. I didn’t have to be strong or brave. I didn’t have to worry about bills or deadlines or errands. I got to be their little girl again. And as it has become my new MO, I cried like a baby.

And it was just what I needed.

I realized two things though. First, home really is where your heart is. Corny I know, but it doesn't matter where my parents live, how big of a house anyone has, what jobs we have, home is being with my family, in my parents arms. Even if it was just for a moment, my heart sighed. I was safe, protected, and at rest. Second, as wonderfully great as it was to see my parents, it made me realize, again, how much God loves me. In that moment of having to say goodbye to them again, for the second time in as many months actually, I understood heartache. The separation felt like it was going to be my demise. My separation from my parents was due to life...jobs, callings, responsibilities. Jesus' separation from His Father was through no fault of His own.

He had done nothing, but obey, love, and cherish others. In that moment, as He hung on the cross, He wanted to be with God, He wanted to not be alone. But He willingly took on that loneliness and pain so that I wouldn't have live with that I wouldn't have to bear that. That's some seriously intense love.